The Fox Den

MBLGTACC 2012 - This is why

Well, MBLGTACC was amazing as usual. Every year I've been to this conference, I've wondered why I'm still going, especially since the conference is not particularly kink-geared. This year I had a more legitamate purpose - I attended as a business professional. I did a couple workshops to give people a sample of what my speeches are all about, and I also advertized at my booth for one loooooooooooong day at the Exhibitor Fair from 10am-6pm on Saturday. Seriously. 8 hours, and the traffic was non-stop!

I spoke to more students, activists, faculty, advisers and staff members than I can even count. Thank you all so much for your support and enthusiasm, for stopping by my booth, for being friendly, for asking questions, and for being courageous enough to speak to a boy in rubber. I was kind of nervous about the Exhibitor Fair, because from previous conferences, I could never remember a speaker renting a table out to try to book gigs. But I can't even count the number of students and schools who came by, asking me about my prices and my available dates! It was almost overwhelming. While at the table, I also told people about the workshop I was presenting on Sunday morning, as a preview or sample of what I can do at their schools if booked. I'm proud to say that the classroom my session was in was completely full with people sitting on the floor, but they also had to shut the doors to more attendees because it was creating a fire hazzard. :(

And by the way, for those of you who took pictures of/with me, please e-mail them to me. 

I really, really love this conference. The energy, enthusiasm, and optimism of college students is envigorating to me. Traveling down this road toward becoming a public speaker hasn't been easy. Busy work schedules, late nights, time away from my Minneapolis crew, and the expenses all add up. I've missed two MPLS Eagle Gear Nights in a row now! ERGH!

But going to this conference is refreshing, to say the least. I have a renewed sense of determination to press on. This morning, I presented a 90 minute workshop on "Debunking Myths about BDSM", and this afternoon, here's an e-mail I received (posted with author's permission):

"Hey!

It's **********, the kid with the pink shirt who wouldn’t shut up during your Sunday morning session. I just wanted to say again how inspiring your workshop was. I’ve had some limited kink experience, but nothing more than a couple isolated scenes with random people from recon, and certainly nothing like some of what you described in the workshop and on your blog (yes, I’ve been creeping). Initially your workshop made me a little uncomfortable, and I spent the better part of the bus ride back to my college thinking about why. I came to the conclusion that despite how out, proud and self-affirming I’d like to think myself, I really do feel ashamed about that part of my sexuality. Seeing a presentation discuss so openly what for me was such an intensely personal and private topic (that more or less lives on the internet in my world) felt like a challenge to my own internalized oppression. I’ve unknowingly been telling myself that this part of me was rightly a dirty secret that shouldn’t leave the realm of Recon; if people knew about this part of my sexual expression, how could I be a role model for my peers? I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I actually have been thinking myself a pervert because of these desires.

Anyway, I could bitch and moan about myself for pages, but I guess I just wanted to say that the work you’re doing is really important and that your presence at an otherwise “vanilla” conference was affirming and validating in such a meaningful way for anyone with a dirty secret. It’s so easy to dismiss stigma against kink as trivial, but for the people affected by it I think it’s a lot more oppressive than anyone really realizes. Your passion in the workshop was nothing less than inspiring, and I wish I could find community for this part of my life like you have. So I guess now comes the awkward ending to an awkward email. Thanks so much for your workshop and your openness."

This is why it's important for kinky people to be present as activists everywhere, not just in kinky forums. This is why it's important for us to challenge what "sexual orientation" really is. This is why it's important for us to be outspoken about the lives we lead and the dreams that we share. This is why conferences like MBLGTACC are so, so important.

This is why we need to always remember to love ourselves, and to pass that feeling on to others.

Events!

Wow, sorry to leave you all hanging! My life's been a whirlwind the past couple of weeks. Things have picked up so far in 2012, and I'm going to have to learn how to find time to write in between all the events that I'm either attending or being a part of!

UMSL - Thank you so much. I won't lie, I was kind of nervous, but the event turned out to be a huge success. I need to say a huge, huge thank you to Erin Potts with the University Program Board at UMSL for working so hard to bring in a huge turn out. There were about 200 people there! And I also want to say a big thanks to the fans of this blog, and others who came out to see me perform. It was really moving, thank you all for saying hello! Thanks to the entire audience for laughing at my jokes. 

February is going to be a busy, busy month. I guess there's no rest for the wicked? 

MBLGTACC! - That's right, I'm headed back to MBLGTACC, next week in fact. 2/10-2/12 at Iowa State University in Ames. I love this conference, and the energy it brings. Over 2000 GLBTQAI college students will attend, and I'm so pumped about it! You can see me there doing one workshop, twice:

Debunking Myths about BDSM: Saturday 8am-9am, Memorial Union Pioneer Room
                                             Sunday 9:15am-10:45am, Memorial Union Gallery Room

On Saturday from 10am-6pm, I will be hosting a table in the Exhibitor Fair! Come by and find out more about my speaking gigs, or just say hello, ask me questions abut kink, and relax a little. The exhibit hall will be in Memorial Union, South Ballroom.

Twin Cities Leather Week - OMG It's almost here! I'm proud to say that I've been asked/chosen to be a judge for this years' event, so I will be on the panel deciding the next Mr. and Ms. TCL! How cool is that? There are way too many events for me to post here about this, but go check out the website and look through the entire week (yes a whole WEEK!) worth of events! Last year, there was a really great turn out and I'm only expecting this year to be even better. Please plan on being around, and consider entering as a contestant!

Then at the end of the month, I have a "private" event in Denver. ;)

March is going to bring along my next gig, at Indiana University - East, and then NACA Northern Plains in St. Paul!

But amidst all the chaos, my readers, I won't forget about you. I'll keep writing and sharing my insights for you. If YOU have any events coming up that YOU would like to share, you should send them to me and I'll post them here!

MAL Highlights

I'm finally recovered from a really, really EPIC weekend in DC.

Last year, MAL was held at the Hyatt Regency in DC for the first time, and there were a few problems that attendees chose to be vocal about. This year was just really, really awesome from start to finish. I'm not one to complain much, so I don't care about many of those smaller details, but even I can appreciate the lengths the Centaurs went to to make sure things were smooth this year. I appreciate all of them and their awesome club so much!

I want to say thank you to everyone's encouragement and for following my live-blogging on Leatherati. It's not easy for me to be able to keep up and type that fast during the events and the press conferences, but I know that there are plenty of you at home, pounding "refresh", reading what I have to say and wishing you were there. I'm just glad I can give something back. 

I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I've been sniffing for a good time for a while, and I ended up playing more at MAL than I ever have before at an event. The scenes were really hot. A fox doesn't kiss and tell! I will mention, though, that when a hotel is U shaped, it's important to remember to shut the curtains before you play, otherwise you might just end up with an audience staring through windows on the other side of the complex. That, and that I need to be flagging more colors (on the appropriate sides, of course).

There was a huge attendence from Minnesota for the weekend; probably the biggest non-IML turn out at an event I've seen. It was great to show our brotherhood together, to cheer for Jayson Glynn as he carried the Aton's flag in the parade of colors, show off our kinky creations and blab about how awesome we are. 

The contest was pretty sweet! The new Mr. MAL is pretty sexy, I'm sure he'll fill the role well. One of my favorite portions, though, was the stepdown speech of the outgoing Mr. MAL, Doug Pamplin. His parents were sitting in the audience for the entire contest, and during his speech, he announced this and invited them up on stage with him. His PARENTS. That was an amazing moment; I can only wish I could have that kind of support from my parents.

It was great to meet some new friends and reconnect with some old ones. Events like these make me realize how lucky I really am to be a part of this at 27 years old. I don't take it for granted; I know a lot of guys don't get these experiences until much later in life. It makes me very, very thankful for my leather family.

I flew back on Monday and immediately went to work for a couple shifts, back to back. A couple days off to recover, sort of, but my event at UMSL is right around the corner next week on Wednesday! And I have to work all weekend. I guess there's no rest for the wicked.

Live Blogging MAL 2012!

So I don't think I ever announced it on here, but I'm going to MAL! As I write this, I'm currently in flight to DCA. So pumped to see everyone, it feels like its been forever!

And to make things even better and to show my leather love to the world, I'm live-blogging once again for Leatherati. Go check out Leatherati.com and click on "Leatherati Live" to see my interviews, introductions, press releases, excursions, and hook ups! (Oh, I mean, forget that last one.)

Will keep you updated as the drama unfolds.

It's Working

For those of you who have only recently joined this blog and/or may have not read every single word dating back two and a half years ago, let me rehash why I started writing in the first place. 

I was looking at Recon profiles and blogs for years, and reading about all the hot experiences guys have, wishing it were me. They all seemed to be from guys who either lived in the Northeast or the West coasts. Years of looking at all these profiles and seeing things that I didn't have, yet wanting so badly resulted in giving me a complex of feeling powerless to change anything about my kinky life. And I thought to myself, yes, I've played, but not like that....

.....but I've played. I thought about it more and more, and I realized; I've been doing bondage since I was 18. Despite living in the middle of nowhere in college, I played a LOT. I found guys out there on sites and went for more weekend excursions than I remember (fortunately, most of them had photographic evidence). Maybe the pictures weren't as hot as the ones I've seen by other guys and maybe I didn't have a whole room full of gear and a dungeon of my own, but for being 25 years old, I have a pretty fucking kinky life! There's no reason I shouldn't be proud of it.

Moreover, there's no reason that anyone else can't have it. Maybe if I wrote about my own life, others won't feel so inhibited to get out there and play while they're younger. Grab your kinky life by the balls, kinkster, because you're not the only college boy dying to break into this. 

I've been pouring my life out to you all through this site in the hope that someone, somewhere is reading it and feeling like they're not alone. I track my stats a little bit so I know I have plenty of readers, but being that the blog really isn't that old (only 2ish years), I'm sure there's an impact yet to be made. 

But it's working. 

This weekend, MPLSGuy invited me up to help entertain a couple boys visiting him from Florida. FLABound and FlyBoyFL came up for their first big kinky excursion. It was an absolutely perfect weekend. There was a LOT of play, a tour of Minneapolis dungeons (thanks to MPLSGuy, b1point5, and Pterodactyl), good food, great laughs, EPIC bondage scenes (thanks to all our hosts and my partner in crime, PupTrigger), awesome nights at the bar, and a wonderful feeling of family with two really hot, young guys. As I sit here and write this on Monday evening, I feel a little bit like IML just ended. I'm kind of on cloud nine from these guys. 

On top of it all, the boys couldn't stop gushing over how excited they were to meet me. It was almost embarrassing how much they treated me like some kind of celebrity all weekend. I hadn't really talked to them on Recon or anything before meeting them this weekend, but they both told me how long they've been reading my blog for and how inspiring it was to them. Without the words and experiences I've written about here, they both told me that they would never have had the courage to dive in deeper or to go fly off to visit a dom for a kinky weekend. They were both too nervous to ever chat with me before, but they both said, "Reading your words gave us hope, and courage."

I'm not telling all of this just to blow my own horn. Fuck the fame, the fortune, the power, or the glory. That's not what this blog is about. I'm just so proud that I'm already somehow meeting the greatest goal that I ever set out for myself in this little spot on the web. I'm not here to be a celebrity. I'm just a regular guy! But I'm so, so proud that the words I've written are already having an impact on lives, somewhere.

But it's not just my words. More and more blogs, tumblrs, and twitters have been popping up from kinky, younger guys all over the country. People like TallGlassOfOJ, KinkyBoiNick, AlphaPupAlpine, BenInLeatherLand, JohnnyGear, VagaBondageBoy, PupSkoll, LeatherBondageLove, AllAmericanKinkster and RubberFreak are all pouring their kinky hearts, souls, and lives out for all the world to understand. These are all pivotal for our entire community. The more we share our own lives, the less isolated we'll feel, the more kinksters will come out, the stronger our community will be, and the more family we have.

To FLABound and FlyBoyFL, thanks for an awesome weekend, thanks for reading, and thanks for having the courage to take a leap of faith.

And to all the other blogging, tweeting, and tumblring kinksters out there,
Keep playing.
Keep traveling.
Keep photographing.
Keep writing.
Keep reading.
Keep living. 
Keep loving.

We're reaching them. It's working. 

What I want for Christmas

This post is way late in coming. I've been off the road now for about a month, sort of. I had my last NACA convention, NACA Mid-America, about a month ago. Ever since, I've been catching up on hours at work, sending follow up e-mails, and I made a five day trip to St. Louis to visit family for the holidays. So I was kind of excited for things to slow down just a tad by getting off the road for a month, but I guess it didn't really happen. It's really fine though, I like stayinig busy and chaotic.

It's hard to believe I'm done going to the NACA conventions for a while. What a ride it was. Mid-America was great in Cincinnati. Lots of schools, lots of connections, and lots of leads. The whole thing was great just because of the incredible enthusiasm all the students showed. Going to NACA overall helped me grow as a person to; I've been able to find my own voice as a speaker, a kinkster, and a blogger. But NACA Mid-America was extra special for one very cool reason. It led me to become introduced to the students at University of Missouri - St. Louis, and in the end, I have a booking with them!

If you're an UMSL student, be sure to come and see me on January 25th, 7pm, at the Pilot House in the Millenium Student Center. It'll be very exciting to get to perform at UMSL, being a St. Louis native. Check out the Facebook Event here.

A special shout out/thank you to Jmat for helping me out at NACA Mid-America, being my cheauffer, and letting me stay at his place in Cincinnati during the convention. Oh yeah, and for helping me avert disaster when I had a latexplosion.

So it's Thursday night, at NACA. We had set up our booth earlier in the day, I'd been wearing my Mr. S Rubber jeans most of the night. Had dinner with Bowling Green State U in my latex and then jetted off to the booth to put some finishing touches on it. Overhead, the Marketplace coordinator announces, "Attention Associates, the Marketplace will be opening in one minute." Thank you, one minute. I squatted down to grab a breathmint from a box that I had hidden under my table. I was squatting for a total of about 6 seconds when the back end of my pants SNAPPED and I felt air hit my bare ass crack!

I immediately stood up and turned my back to the aisle and backed up against the rear curtain/wall of my booth. Smiling, trying not to panic, I said to Jmat with a quiver in my voice, "Oooooh no! We have a problem! A big one!"

"What?" he says, stopping whatever he was doing. Then he sees me clutching my ass, and like a good producer, starts laughing at me and takes a picture before helping.

Next is the panic of what to do. What do we do what do we do what do we do! And then of course the announcer comes over the speakers, "Attention Associates, the marketplace is now OPEN!" Perfect timing. Random Associates applaud. I'm still smiling because it's hilarious that my ass is hanging out, but secretly envisioning being thrown out of NACA and banned forever for being indecent in the marketplace. Bear in mind, this was the only thing I wore/brought with me to the marketplace; I didn't really have any recourse!

Jmat, being the calm, cool, collected Producer that he is, came up with a solution. He took my grey bandanna, which I had been wearing on my left arm to flag, and stuffed it down the newly created crack in my jeans:

See the students walking by in the aisle? ARGH! This was the first marketplace of the weekend! There was no time to mourn the damage to the pants or express any anger. I had to keep that smile pasted on and try to pitch/sell myself to students as if nothing was wrong. That was a new challenge for me. I took a few pics with some random students who asked for them...all the time keeping my back to them.

Marketplace closes. It was pretty successful, and I don't think anyone noticed my ass hanging out. Thank god. Jmat drives me back to his place, where we promptly have a toast to the fallen rubber jeans.

*le sigh* Please keep in mind how tight those jeans fit on me (or rather, used to fit on me). As I stood there for over an hour, unable to change and no time to take them off, the tightness of the latex hugging my theighs made the rip worse, and worse, and worse. Here's a pic of how they look now, and I have to say, I think that they're beyond repair. The rip goes all the way from the beltloop down the ass just next to the seam and nearly completely splits through the seam in the crotch. I can't believe it almost broke through a double layered glued seam.

 

And there you have it. This could be the end of the Mr. S Rubber jeans. Kinda sucks, I only had them for a little over a year. Granted, they are/were one of my favorite pieces of latex and I wore them quite a bit in that year, but come on. I think they should have/could have lasted a little longer than just one year. 

Oh yeah, and I forgot the kicker of the story. That night we went out to The Serpent in Cincinnati, which is their leather/kink bar. While we were out there, my Mr. S shirt snapped! ARGH! Two pieces in one day!

It's just as well that it happened when it did; November to March is definitely the OFF season for latex in Minneapolis. Too damn cold. But it looks like I'm going to need a new pair of latex pants. Any suggestions on vendors? I love Mr. S, but after my catsuit exploding, these pants AND my shirt exploding, I'm probably a bit more hesitant to buy from them in the future. I support Mr. S and everything they do, and I love their bondage gear and their leathers a lot! But grrrrr. Three pieces gone now. 

So, suggestions on a new vendor? And don't say "EBay". I'm forever banned from using Paypal, hence EBay is pretty much not an option.

It's all I want for Christmas!

 

PS: It's Gear Night at the Minneapolis Eagle tonight! I'll be there for the first time in what seems like FOREVER. Get your gear on and see you there!

MIR Recap

OMG. It was fabulous.

I arrived on Thursday night and immediately met a flurry of activity. I stopped by the community center to speak to a friend of mine and saw the set up activities.  Those vendors and the Chicago rubbermen were working hard.

Friday was a fabulous kick off to the kink market. It was really very full! Lots of vendors around selling their rubber wear from around the world. I particularly enjoyed the display by Full Kit Gear of Boston, MA. Unfortunately they don't have a store website up yet, but I really enjoyed their color variations on blue, red, green...their latex was very unique! I'll definitely be keeping up with their website to see when they've posted a store.  RECON also debuted their new line of signature latex, which honestly, looked pretty hot! TLS and E7 were there as well showing their always fabulous wear.

One of my favorite parts of the kink market is the demo pit, including gear provided by KinkRubber. RubberKai was the demo pit coordinator this year, and he did a fabulous job of starting and maintaining scenes, encouraging people to try something new, and keep the energy levels high.  RubberKai is also a member of the Chicago Rubbermen, whom, by the way, I cannot say enough about! The members of that group pour a lot of their time and energy into producing an absolutely amazing event, and to dedicate the amount of time and energy they have deserves a gigantic rubber Thank You from all of us.

After wandering, shopping, meeting up with old friends, trying on a few pieces of gear, and having a beverage or two, I was off to the Greet the Meat cocktail party prior to the first half of the contest on Friday night.  It was a lot of fun to get to see some of the contestants that I competed with last year, like a little reunion.  After a few drinks, the contestants all drew their numbers to determine their order of competition on stage.

The Friday Night contest included the Rubber Image portion (also known as the runway walk) and the return of everyone's favorite, the Wet Rubber contest! I'm so glad they brought back wet rubber. I didn't get to do it as I competed last year, but it was so fun to see all those hot boys on stage, having their rubber fantasies read while they posed and looked delicious under a shower in the community center.

And speaking of contestants, I have to say, this year's pool was really great! Some very hot, well accomplished guys.  8 of them, all of them were titleholders.  There would have been 9 contestants, however, Roger mentioned to me that Mr. Rubber Netherlands couldn't get a visa to get out of the country, despite having a passport. Sounds like a major paperwork fail. :(

For more details about the contest or the individual performances, you should look at my live blogging on Leatherati Live.

After the contest this year, there was a "Strict Rubber Dresscode" party, aka play party, at a private 3,000 sq. ft. dungeon in an undisclosed location. THAT was definitely a blast. Lots to do, lots of people to meet and do. I really hope they do this again next year, because it was totally epic and something that I think a lot of guys missed.

After I stumbled out of bed on Saturday morning, I went up to the kink market to do a demo with PupSkoll. I mummified him for the crowd, and let Kai drag him all around the vendor market on a tour. :) Shortly after this got done with, there was the annual puppy rumpus, which is always a blast to watch. I think there were about 9 or 10 pups in the pit, with several different handlers around taking good care of their dogs.

I couldn't stay and watch that long because I participated in a panel discussion at 3pm with PupNitro of Atlanta and RubberCannuck of Vancouver, on the topic of "Building Communities".  Both of these other two panelists have a great amount of experience with bringing new and curious members in and making them feel welcome, and even though it was only scheduled thorugh 4pm, we continued to speak amongst ourselves as well as the attendees until around 4:45.  We had too many good ideas flowing, it was great to have that kind of energy!

I grabbed a quick bite and got a rubber massage by the masseur in the vendor market, and then I was off to the Leather Cocktails/Black Carpet affair before the contest on Saturday night.  Cocktails was uneventful, but still very relaxing. :)  The contest on Saturday was fantastic.  The contestants and Roger performed a parody of Lady Gaga's "Alejandro".  Anything I might write about it won't be doing it justice, so I'm just going to pass and allow you all to wait until the video comes out in the coming weeks.  It. Was. Epic.  

I live blogged the contest on Saturday night which went swimmingly. The two portions this night were the onstage question which all contestants had to answer, and they all did a spectacular job. The next portion included the "Mystery Bag".  Each contestant had to make up a kink scene on the spot, using everyday objects from a bag they had to choose at random. Can I just take a moment to say that I love the contest? It's so entertaining. I blogged my rubber fingers off so if you want more specific details, check out Leatherati Live.

I love our winner.  Si Hands is a great rubberman from the UK, our first ever winner from the UK.  He even came to my panel discussion earlier about building communities.  His passion for this rubber life shows through and through. And he's really hot too!

Afterward, I went to Jackhammer/the Hole for the RECON party. I really can't say enough about the staff/bouncers at Jackhammer. They were kicking out people in cotton to make more room for the rubberboys waiting once the line started to get long. The party was crowded, well attended, and there, my details will cease. A fox doesn't kiss and tell. ;)

Sunday, I again rolled out of bed and made my way back to the vendor market. I made it just in time for the Lube Wrestling contest and got to say some goodbyes to some dear friends. It's always so sad to say goodbye; the weekend goes by way too fast. Some of these rubber family I only see once a year and having to say goodbye to them makes me kinda sad, but we'll all be here to do it again next year.

And on that note, congratulations to MIR for being in their 15th anniversary! In the intermission of the contest on Friday night, they served complimentary champagne to toast this milestone birthday. Here's my toast: "Here's to 15 years of rubber contests, and here's to another 15 years, so I can STILL be coming here before I turn 45!"

The vendor market closed, I cried a little, and then I was off to SIdetrack for slushies, rubber showtunes, friends, goodbyes, gay music, and fun.  *le sigh* I always wish they would play a bit younger music there. I don't care if it makes me a bad gay, but I don't know most of the songs that they play. :(

I had a beautiful end to a beautiful weekend at a play party in the apartment with one of my good friends. I met him when he was 19 and he went to one of my workshops at MBLGTACC.  Just a few years later, he's been to IML, MIR, and hosting play parties. I couldn't be prouder.

To everyone who came and made the weekend a fantastic time, thank you. It just shows how many of us there are from all corners of the world! To everyone who couldn't make it, stand strong kinksters! Hope my recap was enough to convince you that attending would be a good idea for next year. :)  MIR was my first big event I ever went to 4 years ago, and I go back every year now. I'm so happy to be a part of a rubber family. 

With that, it was over, and I'm already missing it.  Is it November 2012 yet?

#MIRrumors!

So here's an idea.  Besides viewing my live coverage on Leatherati, check out this twitter app here and keep updated on all the MIR drama.  Tweet your MIR rumor here, with hashtag #MIRrumors !

 

MIR!!

OMFG, I'm finally here!

I worked 6 shifts last week, including two shifts of overtime.  Busy busy boy.  But finally, FINALLY I'm here in Chicago and getting ready to enjoy an amazing weekend at MIR!

I'll be liveblogging this weekend for Leatherati, so check out my coverage there!

NACA - The Journey so Far

Yeah, I'd say I was right in my previous post.  My life HAS changed forever.  

I thought I would just meet maybe one or two schools at each conference and see if I could get a little bit of interest, and talk to some people here or there...I wasn't really expecting anything major, and if anything, I was expecting to be somewhat outcast and not so wholly embraced.  Boy was I wrong.

Everyone, NACA, the schools, their advisers, the hotel, and everyone in between was truly and honestly interested.  People were friendly, I never heard one negative comment, and I got a ton of really great leads and contact information.

In the last week, I:

Was up by 8 and not in bed until after 1,
Wore latex for 16 hours per day for 6 days,
Met students or staff at over 40 schools,
Handed out 150 biographies and 200 business cards,
Shook about 170 hands,
Maintained my sanity, somehow.

Despite all the good things, I did watch a few unfortunate circumstances. A couple campus delegates had some arguments over whether or not bringing a kink-positive speaker to their campus was a good idea.  All I can say is, stand strong kinksters!  It may not be today or tomorrow or next month or next year, but one day at a time, we can change the world.  Your campus too will be able to accept who you are one day.

That hasn't gotten me down though. The leads I've gotten and the positive feedback has been so strong that despite my physical exhaustion, I'm pumped to move on to Tulsa for Central, and to Covington for Mid-America!  Even other vendors who'd been going to NACA for 30 years came up to me and mentioned how nice it was that I was bringing something truly different to the marketplace, and some even just told me "Thank you" for everything I was doing.  It was incredible.

So if I've learned anything from this experience so far, it's that there IS a market for this. People are curious, but scared. But on some level, my faith has been reaffirmed that people have an innate sense of integrity, which they can use to read your genuines. I went to NACA for the right reasons. It shined through, people listened to me, and slowly, I remembered that for others to believe what I'm saying, I must first believe in myself.

I work one shift at the hospital tonight (Tuesday) and then turn around and fly off to Tulsa on Thursday morning, early.  Here we go again.... 

Tomorrow, my life will Change

For the better or the worse, my life will change next week.

You may have noticed the "Hire me!" link I put up on my blog.  I'm really interested in doing more speeches and getting my name out there.  I want to spread the good kinky word and try to dispel stereotypes people have of BDSM, leather, fetish, and kink.  Making a little money in the process wouldn't hurt either.

Next week I'll be at two trade shows to try to sell myself as a kinky speaker.  Topics I'm advertising include BDSM, leather, rubber, bondage, safety and basic education, as well as the "next guard" of kink.  These trade shows are marketing to Colleges and Universities, a demographic I can relate to because I'm not far off from college myself.  It's called NACA - the National Association of College Activities.  

Next week, I will have contact with people from over 150 different schools.  I'm hoping I can secure some bookings, because it's been rather spendy to get involved with all of this.  Travel, registration fees, the cost of having banners printed, etc. all has added up.  But even if I don't book a single one, I guarantee you that my life will be very different one week from today.

So I hope SOMEONE out there things I have something to say that's worth bringing to their campus!

Reality Sucks

I just got home from Chicago.  I'm exhausted, but I need to write.  Trigger and Skoll just unloaded my car and drove off.  Partner is off playing golf.  This is the first time in six days I've been alone.  It's quiet.  It's empty in the house.

Some amazing things happened at IML.

1)I shared a two-bedroom suite with eight other guys (PupTrigger, PupSkoll, Jmat83, PecAssO, GearKidMN, VersChicagoBoy, Puck8954 and Wolfang), and it worked. I was expecting chaos, but everyone got along well, there was no drama, plenty of room, and some great eye candy (because we have standards of excellence).

2)We check in, and it turned out our room was directly next-door to my Sir's, and just two doors down from some other really hot Minnesotans. It was rediculously exciting.

3)I found the proper accessories to connect my TENS unit into a much more fun toy, along with some converters to fix my gas-masks to my rebreather bags. I didn't know they made this stuff. Yes, this might just mean I don't pay attention to details. 

4)There are mummies, and there are mummies. The one I played with was the latter. 

5)One of the most strained relationships of my life started to get glued back together. Why is this amazing? Because I probably wouldn't have spoken to him if we hadn't both been at IML. Oh yeah, and also because I stormed in to confront him during a play party like a crazed redheaded Charlie Sheen looking to cause a 'Domestic Disturbance' on Cops. Oops.

6)I went to the contest.  Shocking I know.  I was covering it for Leatherati.  It actually wasn't that bad or even boring! Perhaps a bit lengthy, but overall, quite enjoyable.  I blogged live (check out the "leatherati-live" link) and caught some really great moments.

7)I got to meet and shake hands with Chuck Renslow. *heart bubbles*

8)I had picked up my latex catsuit at the vendor market following repairs by Mr. S, only to have an EPIC latexplosion later that night.  Seriously, the bitch just laid down and died.  At least she waited until after I was done fisting someone while wearing her.

9)"Minnesota Drunk" has been defined as Canadian hockey-player levels of intoxication, yet provides the warmth of a Texan drunk.  A "Night Nurse" is a new drink: a screwdriver with two shots of peach schnapps and topped with RedBull. That shit will get you Minnesota Drunk and make sure you can enjoy the whole night; ask JMat83 if you need those details.

10)I never once in six days felt like I needed a "break" from it all.  It was an emotional rollercoaster in so many ways, but as I sit here right now at home, all I want to do is put on some latex or leather and go down to the lobby bar and get a drink and see some friends - but clearly, I can't.  I'm at home, alone.  It's over. It's a whole year before it happens again, but I can't wait to see all the friends that I now call family.

And that's the magic of IML.

Numb

I haven't written in a long time.  I hate it when I let myself go so long without writing; I never know how to kick off the first post after a long break.  So what's been up?

I've been riveted by the local news in Minnesota.  You may or may not have heard, but the MN Senate, and the House this week, have/will pass a referendum to be voted on in 2012, which will ban gay marriage in the state of MN.  I'm hopefull it will fail at the polls, but you have to remember that anti-same-sex marriage amendments have come up in 31 states so far, and it has passed in EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.  I'm hopeful.  But the odds are against us.  

That said, I'm not yet willing to give up on human integrity.  We can defeat this.  Right now even, the polls are in our favor.  But there's a long road between now and November 2012.

Beyond that, I've been working a lot of overtime lately.  Lots of sick people at work, many of them the unfortunate type.  My work generally isn't that dramatic, but I feel like the drama level has been turned up extra high these past few weeks.  No one's "just" sick, all my patients have been sick-and-32-years-old-and-broke-and-have-three-young-kids.  Then I haven't been sleeping well during the days and, to top it all off, I was attacked by a patient last night, and now I'm wide awake at home.  (No, I'm not injured.)

I've kinda spent the past few weeks on a sleep-deprived some what stressed out and rather emotional rollercoaster.  Where does that leave me this morning?  A gelatinous pseudo-tweaked out ball of goo on the couch.  Hungry yet stuffed.  Sore but tranquil.  Thinking clearly yet a total mess. 

Numb.

..................................until.......I remember what I'll be doing in exactly one week from today.  I'll be in a Tahoe with two rubber pups on my way to Chicago for the yearly kinkfest for gay men in the nation.

IML is on the horizon.  Time to be the fox again.

And this fox is crawling back into bed.

Life is Good

Last week, I did my very first "gig" at Truman State, the school where I went to college.  About 40 people showed up for my presentation titled, "The P's and Q's of S&M."  I was a little nervous to be presenting this on my former campus, being that there were still a few students there who I know.  I've only been out of college for three years, but it still felt weird to be back.  All the students look so young, and that made me feel like I'm aging.

Nonetheless, I sucked up my fears and slid on some latex and walked up to campus.  (Aside - my favorite latex pants from Mr. S ripped while I was putting them on.  GODDAMNIT!)  As I walked through the mall to the fountain, a couple people on the street took pictures of me with their cell phones.  I couldn't help but smile.  The presentation itself went really well.  I got the whole thing on videotape so I can critique myself and look for some areas of improvement.  I really really want to get good at doing this.

The audience was different than ones I had previously presented to.  This was not a crowd of "wanna be" kinksters who needed information on how to dive in.  These were just people who were interested.  Most of them were probably vanilla but just curious.  Which is fine.  Whether I'm working for recruitment or just for education, I'm happy to be of service.  But as a consequence, most of the questions in my question-and-answer session didn't surround "how to jump in", but rather asking me personal questions.  A lot of the curious parties just wanted to know what it's like to be 26 and kinky from the Midwest.

One girl, for example, asked me, "So when you go to one of the parties you were talking about, can you walk us through one of those?"  So I described the CHC clubhouse on one of their 2nd Saturday parties.  "You go in the front and there's a little booth where you show your membership, pay the cover, and then you go downstairs to the social area where there's a small bar....." etc. etc. etc.

It was a great experience, and honestly, being asked all these questions got me to do some reflection on my own life. 

Following my event at Truman, I went on to St. Louis for a few days and through the weekend.  I went to a get together of some kinky guys I had met at Inferno earlier in the year, and of course, my Sirs.  It was a great weekend - very relaxing, and also added to my reflections.

I have to say, I'm incredibly thankful for everything I've been able to experience.  I have some of the best kinky friends in the world, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.  I've been lucky - I know that not every 26 year old gets to experience everything I have.  It's really hard for me to complain about any of that. 

I have a feeling that these are going to be the best years of my life.

MBLGTACC Reflections

What an incredible whirlwind.

I didn't write about it much before this weekend, so here's a short explanation.  MBLGTACC stands for the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgendered Ally College Conference.  It's a yearly conference for college students (undergrad or graduate level) who identify as one of these populations.  The first year I attended this conference was in 2007 when I was still a student at Truman State University.  This conference was at University of Minnesota (it changes every year where it is).  It was an incredibly moving experience.  Despite being broke college students and the Midwest being as spread out as it is, thousands of GLBT students still came together in the frozen north for this conference, and the kind of energy that they brought with them was amazing.  Even though things kinda suck to be GLBT in the Midwest, the level of sheer joy and optimism that you find among these inspiring individuals is life-changing.

This year's conference was at University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.  As people were gathering in the Hill Auditorium on campus on Friday night for the opening ceremonies and the first keynote speaker, a dance party broke out when the DJ put on Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".  Have you ever seen a random dance party break out as 2,000 people are gathering for a speaker?  That's the kind of energy that just flowed this whole weekend.

When I first attended in 2007, there was a kink/BDSM workshop there, which was great.  But unfortunately, it was not very well attended.  Also, the presenters were not really college students, which is fine (lots of the workshops at the conference are put on by community members and not just students), but I thought there would be more interest if the presentation was made by someone the conference goers could relate to.  I applied to do a kink workshop for the 2008 conference which was at University of Illinois - Urbana-Champaign.  It was incredibly well attended - so well, in fact, that I had 75 people crammed in standing room in a classroom made for 30 people, and another 75 people out in the hall who had to be turned away due to lack of space.  

I presented a similar workshop again in 2009, but since I graduated, I decided to skip the 2010 conference.  I still keep up with some students who attend Truman State who went, and I was told by several of them and others that there wasn't a single kink-related workshop or presenter at the 2010 conference.  It was a disparity.

So back I came, this weekend, in 2011.  I applied to present two workshops on the New Guard and Kinkphobia as well as the first ever Kink-Identity Caucus (for people who identify as kinksters to meet, organize, and discuss).  I was surprised to find out that someone else, Elliot Jensen from University of Iowa, was supposed to also present two BDSM workshops.  He unfortunately had to cancel, so I volunteered to pick up one of his two workshops (the one on BDSM 101).  That made for a busy weekend, to do three workshops and a caucus, but it was a lot of fun!  Especially my workshop "Justifying Kink".  This was a one hour workshop on Kinkphobia and how it's felt within the GLBT community.  In retrospect, I should have asked for a 90 minute slot for this one - there were a lot of questions and great dialoge bouncing around and we almost ran out of time.  

All the workshops I did were very well attended.  They were all in the same auditorium-style classroom that seated around 200 people.  For all of them, every seat was filled.  

What can I say?  Wow.  I love this stuff.  I love presenting this workshops, and I love the energy I get from this.  I would love to present more of these workshops at other colleges/universities, or anywhere else.  I already can't wait for MBLGTACC 2012.  Maybe I could become a public speaker as a side job....anybody know anything about how to get started in that?  

To anyone who was present at the conference and attended the workshops I did, I know I saw lots of people in the audience taking pictures and video.  If you have any pics or vid of me presenting, please e-mail it to me!  I don't have any pics of me doing this yet.  Please send to TynanFox@gmail.com.  

I have a whole week off work still.  Time to set to work on a new project :)

 

MBLGTACC!

I'm here!

Today I'm off to register for the conference, and then I'll be sitting in the Student Union, in full leathers, working on my presesntations, and giving out cards/hustling people to actually drag themselve out of bed for my workshop at 8am on Sunday.  Bleh.

GO COLLEGE GAYS!!

Recent Events

This past weekend was Mr. Twin Cities Leather!  It went really well.  I covered the whole thing for Leatherati, and I don't really have anything to add.  ;)  The turnout was huge, and I can really say I've never been prouder to be a part of the leather community in this city.  Some pictures are up on Leatherati as well!

THIS weekend I'm going to be at MBLGTACC! I went to this conference for the first time back in 2007, and returned in 2008, 2009, and now I'm returning in 2011 to present two different workshops on Kink as well as coordinate a Kink-related caucus.  I only wish my workshops were at better times.  (I'm presenting a Kinky caucus on Saturday at 4:30, Justifying Kink at 5:40, and then New Guard Kink on Sunday morning *BLEH* at 8:30am).

Currently I'm in Chicago.  Thankfully, the ever so graceful and kind JohnnySwitch let me crash with him last night.  

Hope I see some of you at the conference!

Missouri is Trying to Kill Me

Every time I go back to Missouri for a visit to family, or otherwise, something goes wrong.  

So I packed up my car and left town on Sunday after work.  I drove halfway to St. Louis, stopping in Iowa City on Sunday night to sleep at around midnight.  Monday I rolled out of bed and drove the rest of the way to St. Louis.  Around 5pm, I noticed my transmission starting to slip just a little and thought, "I should get that looked at before my return trip."  6pm, I get off the highway at the exit off Highway 70 just a few blocks from my house.  I wait at the traffic light for my turn to go and press the gas pedal.  The engine revs, the car doesn't move.

Repeated attempts weren't fruitful either.  I took a deep breath and attempted to NOT panic.  I turned on my hazard lights and traffic started moving around me.  I called the police who put me in touch with Motorist Assist to help me get a tow truck.  

Let me back up for a second.  I'm back and forth from Rochester to Minneapolis every other weekend and I travel a lot with my bondage gear in my trunk.  This happens so often I will sometimes just leave it in my trunk for a week and not even unload.  It's just one of those things, you know?  Even if the trip I'm going on is completely not kinky, I just can't travel without SOMETHING, just in case.  I think most of us kinksters are like that.  For the past couple months I'd been ridiculously lazy about unloading my car.  So in my trunk was bondage gear, rubber gear, leather gear, spandex, and an assload of sex toys.  I didn't want to unload it all before I left because I was in a hurry, even though I new damn well that taking that much crap with me would be overkill, even if I DID find a kinky hookup.

Back to the highway.  Priority one was to call the police.  Priority two was to get out of the car, tear through the back seat and pick up whatever is laying out, and then open the trunk to survey the damage.  Of COURSE my bags had exploded everywhere so it was like a mad dash to put everything back away in the bags because I would need a ride later on.

I finished stuffing random sex gear in bags just in time for the motorist assist to arrive.  Of course I just don't have a place for some of the larger things, specifically, my E7 Mickey Mouse boots and Waders. While we wait for the tow truck, I called my Dad to please come pick me up from the shop, after of course, explaining everything that happened.

You know what's coming next.  I need to get to my parents house, and my car has to stay at the shop.  "You need any help with your luggage?"

I figured saying No would be a bit awkward, because I had such an ungodly amount of it.  "Sure."

Dad comes around to the trunk of my car.  "What'd you do, pack for a two week excursion?  You look like you're getting ready to trek across the Sierras."  Keep in mind my trip to St. Louis was for five nights, which clearly doesn't require five bags of luggage.

".....................just gotta be ready for anything."

One of my bags is a huge green bag, it's a little smaller than a hockey bag.  That's the one I keep most of the bondage gear in, the ropes, the rolls of tape, etc.  It's heavy.  Dad picks it up.  "What the hell do you have in here anyway?  Bricks?"

".....................don't worry about it."

THANKFULLY he just let it go.  We move a few more things over to the trunk of his car without him saying very much.  We drive home and make small talk about what could be wrong with the car.  At the house, we unload the trunk into my bedroom.  Like I said before, I couldn't fit the boots into any of the bags.  I am NOT an outdoorsman.  I don't fish or hunt or anything like that.  My dad knows this.  "You've got waders in your car?"

"Yes."

"Why?  What do you use those for?"

"............................the snow gets really really deep."

I don't know if he believed me or if he was being nice, but he laughed and just went on helping me carry bags into the house.  As soon as he leaves I wipe the sweat from my brow.  All the bags and gear reach halfway up the wall in my bedroom. Then my mom sees it.  "What, are you moving back in?" she asks.

I didn't have anything witty to say.

Long story short, my car's transmission blew up.  The mechanic said that when he opened up the transmission pan, where the transmission SHOULD be, all he found was shrapnel.  Fabulous.  It would have been $2500 to put in a new one in a car that has a bluebook value of $325.  Not worth it.  Even though I drove that old girl for 7.5 years and she was my baby, it was time to put her out to pasture and let her lay down and die.  I called a scrap yard to have them pick her up.  This fox is now temporarily car-less.   

Now the attention shifts to how to get back to Minnesota.  I bought a plane ticket on Southwest (BING!).  But clearly I have a lot of luggage.  Dad says, "You want us to mail some of that up to you?  We could put it all in smaller boxes."

"(staying calm)................................no, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to leave it here at the house and it's stuff I kind of need."

Mom chimes in, "Well, at least we could help you redistribute things and pack it all up better."

*gulp*

I really do appreciate the attempts at being helpful.  I really, really do.  Please imagine how much I'm squirming at this point on the inside, it's all I can do to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs.  Maintain your composure, Tynan, find a graceful way out of this.  "Oh, that's alright, I think I can do it myself okay."

Mom asks, "What, are you transporting drugs or something?"

No Mom, but if you knew what was in the bags, you'd probably wish it were drugs instead.  "No Mom, I just spend a lot of time on the highways to and from Minneapolis, and I didn't unload.  If I had known this would happen I wouldn't have even brought it down."

"Oh."

*phew* Dodged a bullet. 

Don't get me wrong, if I HAVE to come out as a twisted kinkster to them, so be it.  That doesn't mean I'm not deathly afraid of the day we actually have to talk about it.  And if I can put that day off, I'm going to for as long as possible.

My original plan was to drive back up here on Christmas Day, because I have to work a day shift on the 26th.  Instead, I flew into Minneapolis tonight and Pup Trigger was not only kind enough to pick me up and drive me all the way back to Rochester, but to bring Christmas dinner along with him.  And despite my holiday auto woes, I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  Particularly that I still made it under my family's radar.

Whatever you did on this holiday, I hope at least some aspect of it was kinky.  And hopefully somewhat more enjoyable than MY version of a kinky holiday!

~Tynan

Things I've done in the last Month

I judged Leather Eye for the Preppy Guy at the Minneapolis Eagle in November.  It was an awesome time, great to see those vanilla boys get kinked up.

I made a visit back to St. Louis for Thanksgiving. 

I met with a physical therapist for my back, who said that there wasn't really anything that needed to be done.

I quit working out.  Two weeks later, I started working out again.

I worked at the hospital.  A lot.

I caught a cold and gave it to several of my friends.  Crap.

I walked into the Eagle as a leatherman on underwear night, and then after a couple hours, stripped out of the leathers and joined the underwear party.  There's two sides to this fox.

I remembered why I love my husband so much.

I held my breath, swallowed my pride, and let my guard down to make up with a boy.  So far, for the better.

I was visited by my Sir in Minneapolis, for the first time.  I introduced him to my husband for the first time.  I got snowed into a hotel room with my Sir for the first time.  I watched as the Eagle canceled Gear Night and closed at 5pm for the first time, and shook my fist in the air at them.

I've moped around in the cold of Minnesota.  I've brightened up at the prospect of sunny days despite single digit temperatures.  I've survived the worst blizzard in almost 20 years.

I've been very thankful for all the kind words my friends have for me - I guess I never knew you all looked up to me so much.

I've run around like a headless chicken.

I booked travel and room for MAL and IML.  (WOOT!!!)

I've struggled with writer's block, hence, the lack of updates.  I'll start writing soon.

 

Hope everyone's winter is shaping up as....white? as mine is!

~Tynan

MIR - The Reaction

So I didn't win, or place.  I still went to the competition, I learned all kinds of things about myself and I have a new stash of confidence.  No one can take that back from me.  I'm pleased with how I did.  Really.  I mean, I'd like to say that I'm taking it really really well.  

....But in fact, when I got back to Rochester, my husband Chris videotaped my REAL reaction.

 

~Tynan

MIR - I get it now

I'm still at MIR.  I'm still sobering up from last night.  Sounds like the perfect time to write.  :)  

The competition was a very, very long, arduous process.  There was a lot of "hurry up and wait", and all told, I only really had two hours of free time on Saturday from Noon until midnight.  Anyone who goes for a sash needs to be ready for that kind of time commitment.

Since the title of this post isn't "thank you", you can infer reasonably, and correctly, that I lost.  I know I had told a lot of the guys in Minneapolis that my goal was to at least make the top three, but sadly, I didn't make it there.  I won't lie, I AM a little disappointed after all the work I did.  BUT, after meeting and getting to know my competitors over two days, I can say honestly that every one of us was potentially deserving of the title.  Competition was steep!  The winner, G-Man, was Mr. Southeast Rubber (he's from Atlanta).  After hanging out with him for the whole weekend, I can say truly that the judges made the right decision here; this man has all of the qualities that embody Mr. International Rubber.

Before I say anything more, I have to give a special shout-out to my rubber Martha Stewart, Puck8954.  My catsuit was starting to rip apart in the back (again) as I was getting ready backstage for the events last night.  I called him up, told him the details, and he showed up and put an emergency patch on it 10 minutes before showtime!  That boy is amazing.

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”  - Don Williams, Jr. 

I've learned more now than I ever thought I would through this process.  I always said I thought competitions were cheap, bullshit excuses for kinky guys to convene, but I get it now.  I'm not going to say this to be egotistical at all.

Entering and going to this competition did so much more for Minneapolis and Minnesota's kinky communities than I ever thought it would.  The fact that so many of my friends rallied around me and helped to encourage one person to go for a very intimidating goal ignited a spirit of brotherhood among us that we had never felt before.  And yes, I'm talking to you, BlackLeatherChazz, GearKidMN, JDLeathermanMN, LeatherDehners, TrainerAndBoy, RedLeafStars, RedDragonfly, MNHockey, MPLSGuy, RubberDudeMPLS, NixJohn, PecAssO, Willco68, and Bicycler. And any other boy I may have missed.  Your support and encouragement for me has been more humbling than I can express in words, and in this process of working together with me, I think we've become stronger than we ever have together.

My most humble of thanks through this process have to go out to one very special pup.  He's been a continuous source of inspiration, motivation, determination, support, and friendship.  PupTrigger, words can't express how much you've meant to me in working on this the past few months; thank you for not only giving me the courage to go for the gold, but making me feel like I could actually grab it.  

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that I lost.  I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this, because I mean it so fervently.  The past year of brotherhood we've shared, culminating in the past few months with my sash-run have been an incredible time for us.  It doesn't matter that it was me running - I think it would have been the case if any of us had gone for it.  Maybe this is the true meaning of the competition?  To give us all a common goal and something or someone to rally around as brothers?

Boys, even though I lost last night, we won.

~Tynan

Spirituality

I've never been much of the spiritual type.  Moreover, I've somewhat scoffed at people who claim to have or "understand" some alleged connection between kink and spirituality.

But I get it now.

I try not to let my two lives interconnect much.  I have a tendency to drop my profession from the moment I walk out of the hospital doors.  That's not to say that I don't like my job; on the contrary, I can't imagine doing anything else.  I put my heart and soul into my work, I have a true passion for my practice as an RN, but once the timeclock is punched, I go home.  I drop it all.  I move on with my life, and, more often than not, onto kinky weekend adventures.

HIPPA says I can't talk about my work.  I can understand that; I don't know that I would want my own story plastered all over the internet if I was ever in the hospital.  You'll have to excuse the lack of details I can actually write about.  Suffice it to say, I had a case from five or six months ago that was really tough.  Dealing with life and death issues with families, i.e., the decision to continue fighting or to withdrawl support and move to comfort measures only, is usually not too emotionally draining.  But never before had I seen a patient like J, so truly sad, so torn, so sorrowful that she wanted to end her life.

J wasn't getting any better.  She likely would spend the rest of her life in the hospital or a nursing home.  Her family loved her dearly - I could tell with everything they did.  But she didn't want to live this way.  And she didn't know how to tell them that.  Instead, she told ME this, at 2am, alone, while she was in tears.  All I wanted to do was hold her hand and cry with her, and let her know that it's alright, and I'd help her tell her family.  That she needs to do what she needs to do.

But when you're the nurse, you can't cry with your patients.  The moment that you shed that tear is the moment the patient, their family, and everyone they know loses faith in you, the hospital, the system, and life.  The nurse is supposed to be the confident, professional, caring, intelligent beacon of HOPE.  Patients and families look to nurses for direction, not for emotions.  Nurses are supposed to be guardians and pathfinders. 

Generally I don't get overly emotional about my work.  This particular morning, I was finding it rather hard to stuff my emotions behind that wall, but I did.  J's family was in the hospital around the clock.  I rounded them all up, and we had a talk, right then and there, among us all in my ICU at 2:30 in the morning.  I passed out kleenex like candy.  I facilitated the conversation.  And in the end of it all, I kept my shit together.  J passed away later that day.

I never let it in.  I left it all stuffed behind that wall.

Fast forward five or six months.  I'm at Inferno, the annual run of the Chicago Hellfire Club.  Due to....leathermen, I am not allowed to divludge many details about this event either.  Looking around like a kid in a candystore, I try to think of what I want done to myself.  Thoughts tumble through my head.  What I want done turns into what I need done.  Those bricks and concrete holding up that wall in my mind is getting rather heavy.

"I want to be flogged, Sir." 

I took off my shirt and climbed up onto the St. Andrew's Cross.  My Sir fitted me with wrist restraints and attached them to the top of the cross.  I leaned forward, resting my chest against the wood, exposing my back to it's ensuing punishment.   As the blindfold slipped down over my eyes, I thought to myself, "J, this one's for you."

It hurt like hell.  He flogged and flogged.  It was familiar this time, since I've had it done before.  Slowly, one by one, they started to hurt enough to make me scream.  Sir stopped for a moment and reached up to remove my restraints.  He could tell I was getting close to my limit.  "I don't want you to stop, Sir," I said.

"I don't want to break you, boy" he answered.

"I do, Sir."

He went back at it.  It didn't take much more, maybe 10 or 15 cracks at the most.  One last hard, loud thud against my back broke that wall crumbling down.  I screamed at the bottom of my lungs as that piercing fire cinged into my back.  I broke. Sir took me down from my restraints and held me.  Even though I was broken, I sobbed, "I don't want you to stop."  But stop we did.  I cried really, really hard, for J, for myself, and for my back.

I walked through those hospital doors tonight with a renewed sense of hope.  Not just for my patients, but for me. 

Maybe there IS something to be said for all this spirituality crap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My b-day pre-party and the Eagle on 9/11 were really really awesome.  Thanks to everyone of my friends who made the celebration extra special.  Inferno was an experience unlike any I've ever had.  More details to come.  It took me a while to recover from these events, so sorry for the delay.

~Tynan

Birthday Present for Me

OMG.  I got a huge chunk of my rubber gear in the mail today. Are words really necessary to describe the elation I'm feeling right now?  Pictures to follow.  Maybe a virtual fashion show?  It's like a birthday present, to myself.

Looking back, 25 was a good year.

There's been a lot of positive things happening in my life.  Moving into a house, my partner finding a dream job he loves and is good at, making a TON of new friends in Minneapolis, writing this blog, attending my first IML, getting into shape again, working toward competing at MIR...things have been looking up in a lot of areas in my life.  I've never been happier than I am now.

I know I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to, my posts have slowed down to about once a week to a week and a half.  That's mostly because I've started working out for an hour or more per day.  Truly, the hardest thing about working out is trying to find the time to fit it into your schedule.  Fortunately I've been able to get into a routine, and although some days I still hate doing it, I'm still pushing myself forward because I'm seeing results.  And I can't thank all my friends enough for their motivation to keep going.

The road to MIR is getting shorter.  It may sound stupid, but I'm already learning a lot about myself just working on the application, finding a sponsor (thank you Cockpit Minneapolis!), and working out.  Working out is something we all should be doing anyway, but my "quest for the sash" is the thing that really motivated me to get going on it.  Finding a sponsor has pushed me to talk more to local businesses that support the leather/rubber community, and making those community ties has opened my eyes to another have of our leather world.  I guess I could say that going for the sash is already changing my life and we're not even to MIR yet.  I'm really excited about it anyway - it'll be a great experience and I'm looking forward to being on stage side-by-side with some friends.

GEAR NIGHT is at the Minneapolis Eagle this Saturday.  As much buzz and talk as I have heard, I think we're going to have an amazing turn out, much like we did last month.  Even if all you can do is meet the minimum dresscode, PLEASE try to come out and experience what it's like.  As always, if you see me there, please stop me and say Hi!  I love meeting new people.  Besides, I need to find someone to give me 26 spankings. 

Then, on Sunday after Gear Night, I get to hop on a plane in the morning to head to Michigan to join the Chicago Hellfire Club for Session B of Inferno.  I consider it to be an honor just to be invited, but I'll also be doing a demo there on - what else? - mummification.  I'm really pumped about that too and I think it'll be an awesome time, even though I'm a little bit nervous and I don't quite know what to expect!

25 was amazing.  I expect 26 is going to be even better.

~Tynan

My First IML

Wow.

IML turned out to be more than I could have ever dreamed it to be.  It was intense, exciting, depressing, energizing, and exhausting all at the same time.  It was heaven.  It's tough to admit, but I'll be honest - once I got home and was alone and able to survey the damage on my broken, sore body, I started to cry.  With a smile on my face.  I needed it, and I did it for about half an hour.  I was so happy and I couldn't have imagined it going any better than it did.  I did everything I wanted to, and more.  

I think I drank more alcohol this weekend than I did in five years of undergrad, combined.  I'm pretty sure I got about 5 hours of sleep total in those 4 days, too.  I introduced a video producer to all my Minneapolis friends and talked up some awesome future plans.  I met a guy in the lobby once and found the perfect bondage hook up.  I hugged and caught up with a countless number of hot kinky friends from all over the country and all over the world.  I got to lick the boots of a couple different guys who I've been wanting to meet for the longest time.  I wore my leather and rubber all weekend, including out on the streets of Chicago.  I wore my Robin costume to GearBlast.  I made several great purchases in the gear market.  I tied up a roommate and a hot wrestler and performed in a demo at the MIR booth (resulting in my first ride in a latex sleepsack ever!).  I went to a really great bondage party and saw some of the most amazing demos I've ever seen.  I got to witness an impromptu drunken 4am orgy in my room.  To top it all off, I had one chance meeting out of the blue, with I guy I thought I had no chance of meeting.  Getting to spend some time with him really made my weekend extra special.  

You can see, then, why I was reduced to tears upon reflecting on it all.  It was perfect, and it all managed to go off without a hitch.  I couldn't have asked for more.  I'll never ever forget it.

Thank-yous are in order.  My roommates (Jmat83, PecAssO, LeatherBoyChazz and his partner, GearKidMN,  MNHot1, and HurtZone ) deserve a HUGE shout out and thank you for making the weekend amazing.  You guys all mean so much to me!  Huge thank-yous go out to all the guys who walked up to me and asked, "Are you Tynan?" and proceeded to tell me that you read my blog and that I'm such a good writer.  To all of you, THANK YOU for the motivation.  I've never thought my writing was so spectacular, so to hear and meet so many fans out there was incredibly motivating to keep going. You can bet I'll have a number of posts in the coming weeks about it all.

So as not to be so mushy, I'll end with my favorite quote I heard out of the whole weekend, shouted by one of the dom guys in that aforementioned orgy.

"His ass is not a bowl of Corn Pops!!  JUST POUND IT!!!!"

~Tynan

Make it Count

Usually, there is a standard response I get from guys online when they ask me where I'm from.  I tell them the city and state, and more often than not, the answer I get is, "Why do you live out in the middle of nowhere?"

I really hate to think that Minneapolis, being the 8th largest city in the whole country, really makes this the middle of nowhere.  I think it only feels that way because there is essentially NOTHING to the West until you get to the coast, a bunch of lakes to the East, nothing but farmland for much of the South, and the forests of Canada to the North.  So I suppose yes, I am in the middle of nowhere.  

Yes, it does get difficult sometimes, especially in the kinky facets of life.  Some days I yearn for a New York gay/kinky lifestyle where you can walk out your front door and find it two blocks down the street, or better, two floors down in your own building.  But then I realize how much I enjoy grass and how much I enjoy what I pay for rent, and then suddenly, I don't regret living here. 

Guys ask me how often I get to do bondage.  Despite popular belief, I really only get to play around once or twice a month.  It's not bad, I don't feel like I'm really missing it much or really, really wishing I had it more.  And of course, I've tied/been tied by some of the best.  Which I think is ironic.

I've never lived or even been to New York or San Fran, but in my humble opinion, I think that us Midwestern kinky gays aren't so....dramatic, so to speak.  That statement might make me a bit of a hypocrite, being that I have these incredibly dramatic artistic photographs of myself on this site and on my profiles online.  But the point I'm getting at is that I think that having a smaller, more spread out community has forced us to keep from taking our scenes for granted, so that when we get into it, we REALLY get into it.  I think it's the enthusiasm that really brings the scenes and the kink to life out here, in the middle of nowhere.  I'm sure that if my heart was pounding and I just *HAD* to get to one of the coasts to meet the best dom I've ever heard of and do a scene with him, then I could probably make it happen. 

The fact that I really don't have that drive indicates to me that we do a pretty good job on our own.  I'll get to those cities one day, and when I do, I'm sure I'll have a blast.  But I feel like it can wait until I have both the time and money to do such a thing.

In fact, one of my friends just moved BACK to Minneapolis after living in San Francisco for several years.  He's told me two things to validate this.  One: as much kink as there is in SF, where you can find it by walking out your front door, there's an awful lot of mediocrity, and not a lot of truly mindblowing people there.  Two: having kink in his life less often has brought back a sense of motivation.  When you get used to large amounts of mediocrity, you forget what it's like to have those mind blowing scenes.

And in the Midwest, you have to travel a lot of the times to get to somewhere where the kink IS.   As another friend put it, "I don't understand you Midwestern kink-epicenter types.  It's like you guys say, 'No beach?  Let's just tie each other up.'"  There's some truth there.  When you have to arrange travel and ride in a car or fly for three or four hours to get somewhere to spend a night, a day, a weekend, or whatever to do the things you get your rocks off thinking about every day, there's one mantra that I think we all tend to share.

Make it count.

And I do.

~Tynan