(From a journal I wrote on paper about 8 months ago on an issue I was dealing with at the time. In some ways, analogous to how I'm feeling right now, but not in every way. Felt it was worth sharing, nonetheless.)
What I really need is to realize that my problem may be with myself. I think there's a difference between self-preservation and feeling sorry for oneself, but I don't know what it is.
I'm MAD at him. I'm disappointed with myself. I'm frustrated with him. I'm confused about the direction I should take. I haven't written enough about this because I'm afraid to blog about it. But I don't realize how much good writing does for me to clarify my thoguhts.
I'm finally putting my thoughts on paper and I feel more clarity than I've had in a very long time.
But for a variety of reasons, I can't ever become disciplined enough to write. Putting pen to paper on a journal every single day is the hardest thing for me to do. And yet, when I write, the orchestra stops playing in my head.
It's quiet. And in the quiet...
...in the quiet...
I'm lost. Suddenly the only thing left is me and my own thoughts. And I'm alone. Scared. Directionless. But proud that I'm standing up for myself.
I'm thinking myself in circles. I can be strong, brave, powerful, and confident. I can be the Fox I want to be. I NEED to be comfortable with myself.
How do I get there?
Peel the layers off more frequently.
Write. Feel. Drown out the orchestra.
Look. This/these issues you live with SHOULDN'T be shared publically. They're his issues. The reason I'm struggling is because I can't open up to anyone. That's where I draw my strength from most of the time. The only thing left to do is open up to myself, which doesn't fill me with power or strength.
I need to have the courage to face myself and my humanity. Once I do that, they will also feel the courage and power.
Others can draw strength from me, just as I draw strength from others.
If I can face myself, he can as well.
Use the quiet to mourn. It's okay to mourn. You haven't done that all that much yet.
Acknowledge the pain in the quiet.