The Fox Den

Social vs. "Social"

Something must have bitten me.

There hasn't been much of 2012 lately, but for whatever reason, I've been playing a LOT so far in 2012. I've already used my dungeon/attic more this year than I did last year (don't laugh). Maybe it's the full moon tonight?

Or maybe it's just that I'm learning to navigate being social, vs. being "social". It seems like whenever I get together with a group of kinky friends, be it in Minneapolis or at an event like MAL, I don't want to miss out on seeing all the great friends I rarely see. But then when that happens, I usually just end up being social (read "drinking") with them, and screwing around gets thrown to the wayside. 

It's about finding the proper amount of balance in life. Seeing friends is great, yeah, but to maintain health as a kinkster, one needs to settle those cravings. And yet, I've felt completely satisfied being social with my kinky friends.

Maybe I'm just moving up to a new level? I've gotten used to being social and I feel like I know my friends and who they are. Maybe I'm ready to depart those times a little bit more often now that I've had them enough and explore some new territory I haven't yet explored. 

Moderation in all things. Including moderation. Can't wait to see what else 2012 holds...

MAL Highlights

I'm finally recovered from a really, really EPIC weekend in DC.

Last year, MAL was held at the Hyatt Regency in DC for the first time, and there were a few problems that attendees chose to be vocal about. This year was just really, really awesome from start to finish. I'm not one to complain much, so I don't care about many of those smaller details, but even I can appreciate the lengths the Centaurs went to to make sure things were smooth this year. I appreciate all of them and their awesome club so much!

I want to say thank you to everyone's encouragement and for following my live-blogging on Leatherati. It's not easy for me to be able to keep up and type that fast during the events and the press conferences, but I know that there are plenty of you at home, pounding "refresh", reading what I have to say and wishing you were there. I'm just glad I can give something back. 

I don't know what's gotten into me lately, but I've been sniffing for a good time for a while, and I ended up playing more at MAL than I ever have before at an event. The scenes were really hot. A fox doesn't kiss and tell! I will mention, though, that when a hotel is U shaped, it's important to remember to shut the curtains before you play, otherwise you might just end up with an audience staring through windows on the other side of the complex. That, and that I need to be flagging more colors (on the appropriate sides, of course).

There was a huge attendence from Minnesota for the weekend; probably the biggest non-IML turn out at an event I've seen. It was great to show our brotherhood together, to cheer for Jayson Glynn as he carried the Aton's flag in the parade of colors, show off our kinky creations and blab about how awesome we are. 

The contest was pretty sweet! The new Mr. MAL is pretty sexy, I'm sure he'll fill the role well. One of my favorite portions, though, was the stepdown speech of the outgoing Mr. MAL, Doug Pamplin. His parents were sitting in the audience for the entire contest, and during his speech, he announced this and invited them up on stage with him. His PARENTS. That was an amazing moment; I can only wish I could have that kind of support from my parents.

It was great to meet some new friends and reconnect with some old ones. Events like these make me realize how lucky I really am to be a part of this at 27 years old. I don't take it for granted; I know a lot of guys don't get these experiences until much later in life. It makes me very, very thankful for my leather family.

I flew back on Monday and immediately went to work for a couple shifts, back to back. A couple days off to recover, sort of, but my event at UMSL is right around the corner next week on Wednesday! And I have to work all weekend. I guess there's no rest for the wicked.

It's Working

For those of you who have only recently joined this blog and/or may have not read every single word dating back two and a half years ago, let me rehash why I started writing in the first place. 

I was looking at Recon profiles and blogs for years, and reading about all the hot experiences guys have, wishing it were me. They all seemed to be from guys who either lived in the Northeast or the West coasts. Years of looking at all these profiles and seeing things that I didn't have, yet wanting so badly resulted in giving me a complex of feeling powerless to change anything about my kinky life. And I thought to myself, yes, I've played, but not like that....

.....but I've played. I thought about it more and more, and I realized; I've been doing bondage since I was 18. Despite living in the middle of nowhere in college, I played a LOT. I found guys out there on sites and went for more weekend excursions than I remember (fortunately, most of them had photographic evidence). Maybe the pictures weren't as hot as the ones I've seen by other guys and maybe I didn't have a whole room full of gear and a dungeon of my own, but for being 25 years old, I have a pretty fucking kinky life! There's no reason I shouldn't be proud of it.

Moreover, there's no reason that anyone else can't have it. Maybe if I wrote about my own life, others won't feel so inhibited to get out there and play while they're younger. Grab your kinky life by the balls, kinkster, because you're not the only college boy dying to break into this. 

I've been pouring my life out to you all through this site in the hope that someone, somewhere is reading it and feeling like they're not alone. I track my stats a little bit so I know I have plenty of readers, but being that the blog really isn't that old (only 2ish years), I'm sure there's an impact yet to be made. 

But it's working. 

This weekend, MPLSGuy invited me up to help entertain a couple boys visiting him from Florida. FLABound and FlyBoyFL came up for their first big kinky excursion. It was an absolutely perfect weekend. There was a LOT of play, a tour of Minneapolis dungeons (thanks to MPLSGuy, b1point5, and Pterodactyl), good food, great laughs, EPIC bondage scenes (thanks to all our hosts and my partner in crime, PupTrigger), awesome nights at the bar, and a wonderful feeling of family with two really hot, young guys. As I sit here and write this on Monday evening, I feel a little bit like IML just ended. I'm kind of on cloud nine from these guys. 

On top of it all, the boys couldn't stop gushing over how excited they were to meet me. It was almost embarrassing how much they treated me like some kind of celebrity all weekend. I hadn't really talked to them on Recon or anything before meeting them this weekend, but they both told me how long they've been reading my blog for and how inspiring it was to them. Without the words and experiences I've written about here, they both told me that they would never have had the courage to dive in deeper or to go fly off to visit a dom for a kinky weekend. They were both too nervous to ever chat with me before, but they both said, "Reading your words gave us hope, and courage."

I'm not telling all of this just to blow my own horn. Fuck the fame, the fortune, the power, or the glory. That's not what this blog is about. I'm just so proud that I'm already somehow meeting the greatest goal that I ever set out for myself in this little spot on the web. I'm not here to be a celebrity. I'm just a regular guy! But I'm so, so proud that the words I've written are already having an impact on lives, somewhere.

But it's not just my words. More and more blogs, tumblrs, and twitters have been popping up from kinky, younger guys all over the country. People like TallGlassOfOJ, KinkyBoiNick, AlphaPupAlpine, BenInLeatherLand, JohnnyGear, VagaBondageBoy, PupSkoll, LeatherBondageLove, AllAmericanKinkster and RubberFreak are all pouring their kinky hearts, souls, and lives out for all the world to understand. These are all pivotal for our entire community. The more we share our own lives, the less isolated we'll feel, the more kinksters will come out, the stronger our community will be, and the more family we have.

To FLABound and FlyBoyFL, thanks for an awesome weekend, thanks for reading, and thanks for having the courage to take a leap of faith.

And to all the other blogging, tweeting, and tumblring kinksters out there,
Keep playing.
Keep traveling.
Keep photographing.
Keep writing.
Keep reading.
Keep living. 
Keep loving.

We're reaching them. It's working. 

Make a Kinky Resolution

BLUF made a statement yesterday, and it's already been published on Leatherati's and Dan Savage's blogs. I think it's absolutely perfect. It's everything I've ever fought for as a kinkster through this blog. Read their whole statement here.

Their point is to get kinksters off their computers/smartphones, put their gear on, and get out to the leather bars in their communities. So many of our favorite, most cherished of places have been closing down in recent years. The Chicago Eagle, Detroit Eagle, and now the SF Eagle are the latest of the casualties. Please, consider making the 12x12 resolution. Visit your local leather bar 12 times in the 12 months of 2012. Without patrons, these bars will close. Let's stop this downward spiral. Let's remember that leather (or rubber or whatever your kink is) is something to be celebrated, embraced, and worn proudly; it's not just something you wear at home, alone, behind closed doors while you cruise Recon or Scruff.

In Minneapolis, we make the resolution pretty easy to meet. Gear/dresscode night is once a month, every month on the 2nd Saturday at The Minneapolis Eagle, and they're always a blast. But I would encourage the regulars at MPLS Gear Night to double down on this resolution. Keep going to gear night, but gear up, and go out at least one other time during the month that it's NOT a gear night. I try to wear leather or latex whenever I go to the Eagle, which is pretty frequently. If more guys bring back that energy to the bar, just imagine - maybe dresscode night wouldn't just be once a month? Maybe it would be every day?

If you live in one of the following cities, you still have an Eagle you can, and should, support:

• Denver
• Los Angeles
• San Diego
• Washington D.C.
• Atlanta
• Indianapolis
• Baltimore
• New Orleans
• Minneapolis
• New York
• Portland
• Providence
• Dallas
• Seattle
• Tulsa
• Toronto
• Calgary
• Vienna
• Stuttgart
• Madrid
• London
• Manchester

But the list doesn't stop there. There are many leather bars in the US and elsewhere that don't use the name "Eagle". I'm emphasizing these only because the name "Eagle" is an iconic name for a leather bar, and it's always heartbreaking to hear of another one closing (and also because my googleing skills aren't good enough to find every leather bar in the USA). Whatever the name of your leather bar in your city is, get out there and support them! These leather business owners deserve our support. It's not easy being an entrepreneur in this economy, and being a leather entrepreneur has its own set of drama to go with it. Without these brave individuals, there would be no leather bars in the first place. And personally, I think MY life has gotten better since I started going to the MPLS Eagle....

If you DON'T live in or near a city that has a leather or other similar alternative bar, don't be discouraged. Living in Rochester, MN, Kirksville, MO, Iowa City, IA, Marquette, MI, Springfield, MO, Jackson, MI, Appleton, WI, Buffalo, NY, and other smaller, remote places can be a real challenge for leather people. We don't always get to choose where we live, but no matter where you are, you're probably not alone. If you can safely, consider being the voice for the community in your hometown. Consider starting a leather group, organization, or even just speak to your local gay bar (or the most liberal of straight bars you can find) about having a leather night once a month. These events and clubs just don't come from nowhere. If you need help or advice on these smaller communities/areas, e-mail me. I can give you a little advice on those smaller communities.

If you can find the strength inside of you to lead a community in a small town, then you will have everything you will ever need to face the world.

Check out the Facebook Page for the 12x12 campaign here. Post their badge on your blog, your website, your tumblr or your twitter. Spread the word. We can stop the closing of our most sacred of places. We can revitalize this community, and remind ourselves that leather isn't just something you wear to get off. We were first a community, a brotherhood. We can still have that. And when we find it, we won't ever have to see another Eagle or other leather bar or shop shut down again.

Stand strong, kinksters!

MIR Recap

OMG. It was fabulous.

I arrived on Thursday night and immediately met a flurry of activity. I stopped by the community center to speak to a friend of mine and saw the set up activities.  Those vendors and the Chicago rubbermen were working hard.

Friday was a fabulous kick off to the kink market. It was really very full! Lots of vendors around selling their rubber wear from around the world. I particularly enjoyed the display by Full Kit Gear of Boston, MA. Unfortunately they don't have a store website up yet, but I really enjoyed their color variations on blue, red, green...their latex was very unique! I'll definitely be keeping up with their website to see when they've posted a store.  RECON also debuted their new line of signature latex, which honestly, looked pretty hot! TLS and E7 were there as well showing their always fabulous wear.

One of my favorite parts of the kink market is the demo pit, including gear provided by KinkRubber. RubberKai was the demo pit coordinator this year, and he did a fabulous job of starting and maintaining scenes, encouraging people to try something new, and keep the energy levels high.  RubberKai is also a member of the Chicago Rubbermen, whom, by the way, I cannot say enough about! The members of that group pour a lot of their time and energy into producing an absolutely amazing event, and to dedicate the amount of time and energy they have deserves a gigantic rubber Thank You from all of us.

After wandering, shopping, meeting up with old friends, trying on a few pieces of gear, and having a beverage or two, I was off to the Greet the Meat cocktail party prior to the first half of the contest on Friday night.  It was a lot of fun to get to see some of the contestants that I competed with last year, like a little reunion.  After a few drinks, the contestants all drew their numbers to determine their order of competition on stage.

The Friday Night contest included the Rubber Image portion (also known as the runway walk) and the return of everyone's favorite, the Wet Rubber contest! I'm so glad they brought back wet rubber. I didn't get to do it as I competed last year, but it was so fun to see all those hot boys on stage, having their rubber fantasies read while they posed and looked delicious under a shower in the community center.

And speaking of contestants, I have to say, this year's pool was really great! Some very hot, well accomplished guys.  8 of them, all of them were titleholders.  There would have been 9 contestants, however, Roger mentioned to me that Mr. Rubber Netherlands couldn't get a visa to get out of the country, despite having a passport. Sounds like a major paperwork fail. :(

For more details about the contest or the individual performances, you should look at my live blogging on Leatherati Live.

After the contest this year, there was a "Strict Rubber Dresscode" party, aka play party, at a private 3,000 sq. ft. dungeon in an undisclosed location. THAT was definitely a blast. Lots to do, lots of people to meet and do. I really hope they do this again next year, because it was totally epic and something that I think a lot of guys missed.

After I stumbled out of bed on Saturday morning, I went up to the kink market to do a demo with PupSkoll. I mummified him for the crowd, and let Kai drag him all around the vendor market on a tour. :) Shortly after this got done with, there was the annual puppy rumpus, which is always a blast to watch. I think there were about 9 or 10 pups in the pit, with several different handlers around taking good care of their dogs.

I couldn't stay and watch that long because I participated in a panel discussion at 3pm with PupNitro of Atlanta and RubberCannuck of Vancouver, on the topic of "Building Communities".  Both of these other two panelists have a great amount of experience with bringing new and curious members in and making them feel welcome, and even though it was only scheduled thorugh 4pm, we continued to speak amongst ourselves as well as the attendees until around 4:45.  We had too many good ideas flowing, it was great to have that kind of energy!

I grabbed a quick bite and got a rubber massage by the masseur in the vendor market, and then I was off to the Leather Cocktails/Black Carpet affair before the contest on Saturday night.  Cocktails was uneventful, but still very relaxing. :)  The contest on Saturday was fantastic.  The contestants and Roger performed a parody of Lady Gaga's "Alejandro".  Anything I might write about it won't be doing it justice, so I'm just going to pass and allow you all to wait until the video comes out in the coming weeks.  It. Was. Epic.  

I live blogged the contest on Saturday night which went swimmingly. The two portions this night were the onstage question which all contestants had to answer, and they all did a spectacular job. The next portion included the "Mystery Bag".  Each contestant had to make up a kink scene on the spot, using everyday objects from a bag they had to choose at random. Can I just take a moment to say that I love the contest? It's so entertaining. I blogged my rubber fingers off so if you want more specific details, check out Leatherati Live.

I love our winner.  Si Hands is a great rubberman from the UK, our first ever winner from the UK.  He even came to my panel discussion earlier about building communities.  His passion for this rubber life shows through and through. And he's really hot too!

Afterward, I went to Jackhammer/the Hole for the RECON party. I really can't say enough about the staff/bouncers at Jackhammer. They were kicking out people in cotton to make more room for the rubberboys waiting once the line started to get long. The party was crowded, well attended, and there, my details will cease. A fox doesn't kiss and tell. ;)

Sunday, I again rolled out of bed and made my way back to the vendor market. I made it just in time for the Lube Wrestling contest and got to say some goodbyes to some dear friends. It's always so sad to say goodbye; the weekend goes by way too fast. Some of these rubber family I only see once a year and having to say goodbye to them makes me kinda sad, but we'll all be here to do it again next year.

And on that note, congratulations to MIR for being in their 15th anniversary! In the intermission of the contest on Friday night, they served complimentary champagne to toast this milestone birthday. Here's my toast: "Here's to 15 years of rubber contests, and here's to another 15 years, so I can STILL be coming here before I turn 45!"

The vendor market closed, I cried a little, and then I was off to SIdetrack for slushies, rubber showtunes, friends, goodbyes, gay music, and fun.  *le sigh* I always wish they would play a bit younger music there. I don't care if it makes me a bad gay, but I don't know most of the songs that they play. :(

I had a beautiful end to a beautiful weekend at a play party in the apartment with one of my good friends. I met him when he was 19 and he went to one of my workshops at MBLGTACC.  Just a few years later, he's been to IML, MIR, and hosting play parties. I couldn't be prouder.

To everyone who came and made the weekend a fantastic time, thank you. It just shows how many of us there are from all corners of the world! To everyone who couldn't make it, stand strong kinksters! Hope my recap was enough to convince you that attending would be a good idea for next year. :)  MIR was my first big event I ever went to 4 years ago, and I go back every year now. I'm so happy to be a part of a rubber family. 

With that, it was over, and I'm already missing it.  Is it November 2012 yet?

Kick your Heels Up

The question I've been asked over and over again at these NACA Trade Shows I've been attending is, "What exactly are your speeches about?" This question is usually asked by the college student or adviser with the crinkled forehead and unsure smile, half curious, and half afraid of my answer. Which brings me to the point; why am I here doing this at all?

At the root of the question is the reason why people who are kinky, regardless of their gender or sexual orientation, feel as though they can't explore that side of themselves. This is a subject which I refer to as "kink shame". I'm lucky enough to have been born and lived without ever feeling the guilt or shame associated with being turned on by something a bit alternative in the bedroom; my friends never fail to remind me that not everyone is lucky enough to have lived this way. Before someone can explore this whole side of themselves, they have to be able to accept and affirm it for themselves first. In this way, becoming kinky or practicing kink requires a process similar to coming out. This leads me to my philosophy on kink in general - being kinky is as much a part of someone's sexual identity as their orientation is.

So you have to come out to yourself as kinky, yeah? It's a kind of second coming out to those of us who are gay or lesbian. When I think about the world of BDSM, leather, rubber, etc. I truly believe that by total volume, there are more straight kinky people in the world than there are gay kinky people, but among those separate orientations, the proportion of kinky straight people, by percentage, is probably SMALLER than kinky gay people. Kink is a much bigger part of gay culture than it is of being straight. Why?

Because we don't have to leap that far.

Gay men have always had a sort of fun and airy attitude toward sex than straight people, in large part because for us, having sex, even vanilla sex, is a true rebellion against the societal norm we are constantly judged against. It's exactly the thing that we are oppressed over and the thing that the haters hate us for. In the words of Margaret Cho, "If you're oppressed over who you fuck, you're gonna kick up your heels and FUCK!" Making things even easier for us is the fact that gay men already came out once. To do so again, over our kinks, isn't as far of a leap to jump in most cases.

Straight people don't have this luxury afforded to them. They aren't oppressed over who they fuck, it's just over HOW they fuck. Missionary position is still the expectation among most straight people. Anything different makes you (supposedly) deviant, wrong, and mentally ill. Coming to terms with being kinky is the first time a straight person will likely struggle with this kind of conflict in his/her life. This oppression, the oppression that a gay man has already overcome, is enough to make a straight person retreat back into the kinky closet and attempt to ignore that part of him/herself for a few more years. Out, gay men have the foresight to know that ignoring it won't make it go away. Couple this with a lack of prevalent resources (there is nothing as prominent for straight kinksters as Recon, Gearfetish, or Manhunt are for gay men), and it's easy to see why the proportion of kinky gays is bigger than the proportion of kinky straights.

So why am I trying to do these speeches?

Sometimes the biggest contributing factor to someone's comfort level with themselves is seeing precisely that quality in others around them. Living with a quality that you think makes you think you're mentally ill is an unhealthy way to lead your life. No one should have to carry that burden, and no longer should we have to carry that burden ourselves. Remember when that lawyer got fired in New York a few weeks ago? The only way unfair treatment like that will stop is for all kinksters in the world to stand up and say, "STOP, this is wrong." The kinkster who's in the closet won't do that. The one who feels empowered and belongs to a community is not only leading a fulfilling, joyous life, but will also feel empowered enough in themselves to stand up along with us as we chant, "STOP, this is wrong." And one day, we'll be able to live in a world where we don't have to use fake names and we don't have to be scared of losing our jobs because of what we do behind closed doors.

Instilling confidence in those who feel powerless helps individuals, groups, as well as the kinky community as a whole. The way to do it is to teach people that it's okay to love yourself, enjoy and express your kinks, and not to fear dancing to the rhythm of your life.

Because if there's one thing I know how to do well, it's kick up my heels.

NACA - The Journey so Far

Yeah, I'd say I was right in my previous post.  My life HAS changed forever.  

I thought I would just meet maybe one or two schools at each conference and see if I could get a little bit of interest, and talk to some people here or there...I wasn't really expecting anything major, and if anything, I was expecting to be somewhat outcast and not so wholly embraced.  Boy was I wrong.

Everyone, NACA, the schools, their advisers, the hotel, and everyone in between was truly and honestly interested.  People were friendly, I never heard one negative comment, and I got a ton of really great leads and contact information.

In the last week, I:

Was up by 8 and not in bed until after 1,
Wore latex for 16 hours per day for 6 days,
Met students or staff at over 40 schools,
Handed out 150 biographies and 200 business cards,
Shook about 170 hands,
Maintained my sanity, somehow.

Despite all the good things, I did watch a few unfortunate circumstances. A couple campus delegates had some arguments over whether or not bringing a kink-positive speaker to their campus was a good idea.  All I can say is, stand strong kinksters!  It may not be today or tomorrow or next month or next year, but one day at a time, we can change the world.  Your campus too will be able to accept who you are one day.

That hasn't gotten me down though. The leads I've gotten and the positive feedback has been so strong that despite my physical exhaustion, I'm pumped to move on to Tulsa for Central, and to Covington for Mid-America!  Even other vendors who'd been going to NACA for 30 years came up to me and mentioned how nice it was that I was bringing something truly different to the marketplace, and some even just told me "Thank you" for everything I was doing.  It was incredible.

So if I've learned anything from this experience so far, it's that there IS a market for this. People are curious, but scared. But on some level, my faith has been reaffirmed that people have an innate sense of integrity, which they can use to read your genuines. I went to NACA for the right reasons. It shined through, people listened to me, and slowly, I remembered that for others to believe what I'm saying, I must first believe in myself.

I work one shift at the hospital tonight (Tuesday) and then turn around and fly off to Tulsa on Thursday morning, early.  Here we go again.... 

Tomorrow, my life will Change

For the better or the worse, my life will change next week.

You may have noticed the "Hire me!" link I put up on my blog.  I'm really interested in doing more speeches and getting my name out there.  I want to spread the good kinky word and try to dispel stereotypes people have of BDSM, leather, fetish, and kink.  Making a little money in the process wouldn't hurt either.

Next week I'll be at two trade shows to try to sell myself as a kinky speaker.  Topics I'm advertising include BDSM, leather, rubber, bondage, safety and basic education, as well as the "next guard" of kink.  These trade shows are marketing to Colleges and Universities, a demographic I can relate to because I'm not far off from college myself.  It's called NACA - the National Association of College Activities.  

Next week, I will have contact with people from over 150 different schools.  I'm hoping I can secure some bookings, because it's been rather spendy to get involved with all of this.  Travel, registration fees, the cost of having banners printed, etc. all has added up.  But even if I don't book a single one, I guarantee you that my life will be very different one week from today.

So I hope SOMEONE out there things I have something to say that's worth bringing to their campus!

Stronger Than Myself

To those of you who wrote in with your kind words about this blog, thank you. You made me stop and think further about what I'm writing for. I didn't know that my crazy little life was so inspirational to you out there. I'll work harder to remember that you don't expect perfection from me. Everything I publish doesn't have to be the most beautiful piece of art I've ever written. It's just an imperfect blog about an imperfect life, like all of us.

I still hold myself to higher standards, and when I fail, I take it really, really hard on myself. I do this in every facet of my life, including my relationship to my husband, my kinky friends, my work, my problem with ADHD, my speaking career, my cooking....pretty much everything I do. I was always held to really high standards as a child (one of my weekly household chores was to do the dusting of all the furniature; I remember once getting punished for not dusting the top of the fucking refridgerator in our kitchen). I didn't even know I was doing it to myself.

Flogging is not something I often do, but there are definitely times where I'm feeling some emotions and I just need to let it all out.  I tend to wall up my emotions and just let them build up, in order to maintain a good public image.  The summer was kind of crazy for me, and particularly the past week (for a very, very personal reason I won't be blogging about).  I couldn't sort out my emotions in my head, but I thought being flogged might help, for emotional AND sexual reasons.

I went to Inferno with the Chicago Hellfire Club this weekend, and made an appointment for a session. I stepped up onto the St. Andrew's cross, and I got shackled with my arms in the air on either side. Being flogged is an emotional catharsis. The first few swats don't really hurt much, but then they start to hurt.  Yet you don't ask for them to stop. You get flogged and flogged until you get "broken" and you break down, emotionally, and just let it out and start to cry. For me, that's where the scene typically ends. But I didn't do that this time.

When I got to the point where I wanted to cry and we usually stop, I gritted my teeth and strained against my restraints.  Without even thinking about it, I fought it back. It was tough to hide the tears from my dom and look like I could still keep going. But I fought HARD. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life to fight those tears back.  I cleared my throat before I spoke to tell him, "I'm fine, Sir." And on he went, throwing those thuds against my back with his various floggers.

My mind raced.  Why in the world did I just do that?  I pulled hard against my restraints and braced myself for more pain.

It happened again after a few minutes.  Even though I really, really just wanted to cry, let it all out, collapse, and be done, some headstrong determination surfaced and took over my body.  I mouthed to myself, "You're stronger than this," as I braced myself against the wood of the cross and once again, forced those tears back into my head.  I was hurting like hell, more than I have ever hurt in my entire life, but I felt like I wasn't done yet.  I was looking for something I hadn't found yet in this beating.

By this point, my back was red, puffy, the muscles were loosely hanging off my scapulae, and just the slightest breeze made it sting.  And that was just a breeze... Sir asked, "Alright boy?" And again I cleared my throat and tried hard to mask the sounds of my crying.  "Yes Sir.  Don't stop yet."  I wanted to hurt more than I'd ever had before.  I wanted this to be a real punishment for the things I've done that seemed so wrong in my eyes.

He switched his tools again and returned to my back.  I was starting to yell though; each time he hit me, I screamed.  Some louder than others.  As my screams escalated and my back stung so bad I thought my arms were getting ripped off, Sir just picked up his pace and smacked at my back faster and faster. Tears were just streaming silently from my eyes into my blindfold as I screamed.  It had been about an hour of flogging at this point.  When I wasn't yelling, I was mouthing to myself, "Stronger than this," over and over again, telling myself that I can keep on going and not to stop.  

Why?  My mind was racing around.  Why is my body doing exactly what my brain says I shouldn't be doing?

Two exceptionally hard cracks and I nearly collapsed down from the cross, if it weren't for the restraints holding me up.  I clambered back up, fighting with all the strength I had left in my soul to keep on going.  I wasn't able to prevent my crying from being so obvious, but I was trying.  

I held my breath waiting for another strike, but it never came.  Instead I felt Sir in front of me, on the other side of the cross.  "Stop fighting it so hard," he said.  I started to cry harder.  I felt a liquid dripping down my back.  Weird, I thought.  After I realized I was bleeding, my mind finally quieted itself, and there, in that darkest, most painful, bloodiest, tearfilled moment, I felt on the outside how I did on the inside.  In that quiet peace that resulted, I looked to my own heart and found the strength to forgive.......myself.

"Thank you, Sir," I bawled as he held me.  I just cried and cried as I stood there, frozen, bleeding.

There's no reason for me to be so tough on myself. Sometimes I screw up, sometimes multiple people screw up and something goes wrong, or something hurts. That doesn't always make it my fault. Moreover, imperfection does not equal failure, and I don't need to constantly beat myself up over that. I'm worth more, and I can stop this endless cycle of self-depreciation.  I know I can.

Because after all...

Dry Spell?

Where've I been lately?  Why the delays in writing?

I'll be the first to admit that I've lost some motivation to write, but hear me out.  I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. 

This blog started out as a look into the kinky life of a 20-something from the Midwest.  I had lived in Minnesota for just a little bit over a year.  It took a lot of focus to throw myself into my work and become comfortable with that facet of my life.  I hadn’t invested a lot of time or energy into a new community until I found myself on my feet as a nurse.  There was work to be done to find the kink in Minnesota.  There were friends yet to be made, bars yet to be explored, clothes yet to be bought, play yet to be had, etc.  And through the journey, I brought you with me through the magic of the internet. 

This blog turns two years old last month, and as I look back and reflect on what I’ve written thus far, I realize that something more has been going on here.  I can’t say I was born proud at all; there was a day in college where I didn’t like the Showtime series Queer As Folk because it promoted promiscuity (don’t laugh).  Becoming the proud, gay boy was a journey.  When I started writing for you, I hadn’t dreamed of the day I’d feel comfortable enough to run down Hennepin Ave and try to hail a taxi while wearing nothing but latex.  In order to find the kink in Minnesota and the Midwest, I first had to find the kink in myself. 

I never dreamed of the day I would feel so empowered that I would even attempt a run at a contest, and certainly not MIR.  The day I decided to start writing for this blog, I owned two (2) articles of latex gear/clothing. 

I’ve written enough sappy posts about how amazing my life has become and how much I value my kink brothers and the life I’ve grown into, and I don’t want to bore you with yet another.  Therein lies the point; my kinky life has become such an integral part of my everyday routine that it’s not even a separate part of my life.  I don’t have any friends who are vanilla; I can talk about kink with any one of them, even if they’re not as kinky to me.  I go to kink bars, I go to play parties, I go to events all over the nation, and I have friends in all corners of the USA and beyond.  I even go to vanilla bars in full latex and I feel completely comfortable.  And I do it often enough that it’s not such a novelty.  I don’t get as excited about leather or rubber events because I go to them all the time.

I’m no longer striving to become a Minnesotan kinkster.  I am one.  The journey has ended, and thus, my motivation to write.

With the death of one journey, a new path must be taken.  You can see that I’ve added a “hire me!” link above some months ago, and I’m proud to say that in the coming months, I’ll be attending trade shows to try to sell myself to colleges and universities throughout the country, to provide lectures and speeches on kinky life, BDSM, rubber, leather, and so forth.  I’m sure that will bring plenty to write about.

But what, my readers, do you want to hear about?  You are, after all, the ones who keep me motivated, and the reasons why this blog exists.  I began writing because I thought there was something someone somewhere could learn by seeing life through my eyes.  I can’t tell you all enough how much it means to me when someone comes up to me at an event or while I’m out of town and tells me they read my blog, and that it speaks to them.  I’ve met several other 20somethings from various parts of the country who have told me that they never would have taken the plunge to dive into this community if they hadn’t first read about it here.  Those people are so happy they took that leap, and that is what this blog is all about. 

In the process of placing myself under your scrutiny, I’ve learned so much about myself.

So is it fun to read about what I now consider to be a mundane, everyday kinky life?  Do you want to hear about it when I play with others?  Just the events?  Are you still interested in when Gear Night at the Eagle will be, and do you want to read a follow up post every month about how it went and what I did there?  Are you only interested in pictures of what I think is hot?  Should I reserve my ramblings for topics that really inspire me?  Do people go back and read my back posts from the last two and a half years, or is it acceptable to write about the same subject multiple times?

What should I do with this space?  I’m not very inclined to post picture after picture after video after picture of things I think that are hot.  Ruff’s Stuff and the All-American Kinkster do that, and do it well.  I spend enough of my own time on those sites.  I write a blog because I enjoy writing.  It’s the only thing that I feel I have even the smallest amount of talent for, and it’s something I enjoy doing.  But only if I know what you want to read.  Maybe it’s just too hard for me to grip the fact that my kinky life, though mundane it has become to me, is inspiring to others.

Please, leave some comments on this post, or send me an e-mail (Tynan@TynanFox.com).  Tell me what it is you like to read about in this space.  And thank you thank you THANK YOU for being a part of this blog for the last two years. 

By the way, I turn 27 next week…..

Zentai

I don't know what started it all for me.  I remember looking at porn in my teens and running across the picture of a guy in a zentai on some obscure japanese website screwing around.

This fetish has yet to really take off in the USA.  There are these things called Morph Suits which are available widely in the UK.  People buy them, wear them to sporting events(in team colors), even run marathons or bike races in them.  It's always been viewed as a pretty "Euro" thing, although I've been told by friends who go to college football games, hockey games, etc. that you can find people in the crowds wearing these to show support for their teams colors.  It'll probably catch on slowly here, like everything else.

There's a whole contingency of fetishists into Zentai located in Japan and China as well.  I wonder why this is?  Whatever the case may be, I'm jealous of the spandex parties I've heard of/seen advertised on Japanese websites.  Can you imagine a whole zentai orgy?  

Well.....I can.

During Minneapolis Pride, some of our kinky friends (PuppyBullet, TorchedStud, ColoBondage28Boy, and others) flew out to join us from Denver.  A certain very gracious dom with a dungeon hosted a couple parties/mixers for the MPLS boys and the Denver boys to ....um.....get to know each other.  Imagine my excitement when I walked in and found this happening:

Well, you know...a good fox comes prepared for anything and everything, so this...

Very quickly turned into this....

Can anybody guess who's who?

I swear....we can get this fetish to take off in this country YET.

Closets and Gardens

While I was unpacking from IML and cleaning up some gear, something happened which I didn't think was likely to occur for a number of years.  My closet filled up.

Seriously.  I have a small closet in my attic where I keep all my leather, rubber, and spandex pants, shirts, etc.  Not only did I run out of hangers, but I filled up the closet as I finished washing each piece of latex, polishing each piece of leather, and organizing each of them.  I can't believe it.  Being a poor midwesterner, I thought it would be many more years before I had a closet that was full since I have so many bills to pay.  Granted, it's a rather small closet, but I can't help but be thankful for everything I have.

There's one piece missing though.

I bought my latex catsuit when I was 21 years old.  I gave some careful thought to what I would do with my income tax refund that year; after making sure I didn't have any car repairs or debts to other people to pay off, I decided to buy some gear.  I had wanted something made of rubber for a while, and with great trepidation, I searched far and wide for the one piece that just felt right to me.  The Mr. S full body five-zip catsuit.  I didn't send them my measurements or anything; I just got lucky by ordering a "small".  It fit like a glove.

Over the next five years, I got a good amount of *ahem* mileage from that amazing piece of molded pseudoliquid sex.  Everytime I would slide it onto my body, something would happen with me.  It wouldn't matter what was going on at school or how many hours I had worked that week or what kind of fight I had just gotten into with my parents.  Every last bit of that would melt away into the rubber.  I was a fox.  I was Tynan.  I was me.

My first MIR came around; I got a chance to wear it in public.  And met some great new friends in the process.  I realized what it was like to wear the catsuit for 8 hours; and by the end of it, it feels like a second skin.  I wore it to the Eagle on my very first visit there a couple years ago.  I didn't know what else to wear to the Eagle.  Since it fit so tight and was just not something I'd wear out on the street (yet), I wore regular street clothes over it.  Even so, it was such a novelty.  I met a few people and made some small talk, and I realized how little the latex fetish was known to the old-guard leathermen.

MIR number two comes and goes.  That latex catsuit is what I wore to my very first gear night at the Eagle in January of 2010.  It was the outfit of choice for trying to convince other guys to come out to the bar and be a part of a community.  It worked; everyone who was there had to feel the smoothness of the latex at least one time, and I made a lot of good, new friends.  The next month, I wasn't the only rubberboy there.  A few months later, at the behest of my friends, I wore that catsuit onstage as I competed at MIR.  It turned out to be one of my favorite outfits to wear because not only did it look good, but because it tells a story of me through its scars and blemishes.

My catsuit isn't just a sexy piece of rubber that I put on to get off.  My catsuit is the very first piece of wearable gear that I've ever owned, and the piece of latex that gave me the strength and determination to drive myself forward, uninhibited into my own kinky desires.  My catsuit was the first piece of gear to make me feel whole and complete.  It was the first garment to hang in a closet now completely full of gear in a life that's now completely full of joy, vibrance, friends, and course, kinky sex.

At IML a couple weekends ago, International Mr. Leather Founder (yes, Founder!) and Executive Producer Chuck Renslow gave a very heartfelt speech at the contest on Sunday night, which included an amazing shout-out to me.  He had to shorten it due to time constraints, but in the whole thing was published afterward (click here to read it). I am ever humbled and grateful to receive such a compliment from such a great man.  I still can't believe he even knows who I am.  After the contest, I went back to my hotel, and slipped into the old girl for (what would become) her last time to play with an old friend of mine.

I've had my catsuit repaired three times already, but I liked the scars on it. They added character.  But alas, my catsuit exploded after my friend and I played, later that night at the bar. It may seem silly, but this is the ode to my catsuit.  Thank you, old girl, for being there for all those years and planting the kinky seed in my life.  You've served me well in many precarious situations and in many different *ahem* positions.  You gave me the calm and solace I needed to persevere; with your help, I found the strength to fill the closet in my dungeon as well as the void in my life. I could always slide in to you and melt away from it all, lost in the kinky life you gave me.

I'll never forget you.

Reality Sucks

I just got home from Chicago.  I'm exhausted, but I need to write.  Trigger and Skoll just unloaded my car and drove off.  Partner is off playing golf.  This is the first time in six days I've been alone.  It's quiet.  It's empty in the house.

Some amazing things happened at IML.

1)I shared a two-bedroom suite with eight other guys (PupTrigger, PupSkoll, Jmat83, PecAssO, GearKidMN, VersChicagoBoy, Puck8954 and Wolfang), and it worked. I was expecting chaos, but everyone got along well, there was no drama, plenty of room, and some great eye candy (because we have standards of excellence).

2)We check in, and it turned out our room was directly next-door to my Sir's, and just two doors down from some other really hot Minnesotans. It was rediculously exciting.

3)I found the proper accessories to connect my TENS unit into a much more fun toy, along with some converters to fix my gas-masks to my rebreather bags. I didn't know they made this stuff. Yes, this might just mean I don't pay attention to details. 

4)There are mummies, and there are mummies. The one I played with was the latter. 

5)One of the most strained relationships of my life started to get glued back together. Why is this amazing? Because I probably wouldn't have spoken to him if we hadn't both been at IML. Oh yeah, and also because I stormed in to confront him during a play party like a crazed redheaded Charlie Sheen looking to cause a 'Domestic Disturbance' on Cops. Oops.

6)I went to the contest.  Shocking I know.  I was covering it for Leatherati.  It actually wasn't that bad or even boring! Perhaps a bit lengthy, but overall, quite enjoyable.  I blogged live (check out the "leatherati-live" link) and caught some really great moments.

7)I got to meet and shake hands with Chuck Renslow. *heart bubbles*

8)I had picked up my latex catsuit at the vendor market following repairs by Mr. S, only to have an EPIC latexplosion later that night.  Seriously, the bitch just laid down and died.  At least she waited until after I was done fisting someone while wearing her.

9)"Minnesota Drunk" has been defined as Canadian hockey-player levels of intoxication, yet provides the warmth of a Texan drunk.  A "Night Nurse" is a new drink: a screwdriver with two shots of peach schnapps and topped with RedBull. That shit will get you Minnesota Drunk and make sure you can enjoy the whole night; ask JMat83 if you need those details.

10)I never once in six days felt like I needed a "break" from it all.  It was an emotional rollercoaster in so many ways, but as I sit here right now at home, all I want to do is put on some latex or leather and go down to the lobby bar and get a drink and see some friends - but clearly, I can't.  I'm at home, alone.  It's over. It's a whole year before it happens again, but I can't wait to see all the friends that I now call family.

And that's the magic of IML.

How to Prep

Lots of people ask me about bondage scenes.  One of my latest questions someone asked me was, "How do I get ready for my first bondage scene?"  This took some thought, and I was about to blurt out, "I really don't know," but then I thought about it.  I realized that without thinking about it, I have my own little ritual set that I go through in the days/hours before a bondage scene I have coming up.  Here they are.

These tips are, of course, considering you have first taken precautions regarding safety, physiologic well being (discussed allergies, medications with your partner), and are using safer sex practices.

1) Caffiene in moderation
This one seems weird to put first.  I don't care how early in the morning it is or how late at night it is.  Caffiene is really only good for keeping me awake.  I get gitters, I get hyperactive if I drink too much coffee, and no one likes coffee breath.  Red Bull makes me burp, and no one wants to stop to have to take a piss right in the middle of a scene.  Long story short - no one likes a tied up, tweaked out gay boy.

2)Hydrate
Bondage is strenuous and hard on the body, particularly with ropes.  If you're with a particularly good or Type A dom, you may be stuck in one position for hours and hours.  You want to go into the scene already hydrated.

3)Stretch
As I'm getting older, I'm realizing that I'm not invincible.  (Yes, I'm only 26).  I'm still exceptionally flexible and can contort in many positions, but my job puts a lot of strain on my back and I've noticed that for the last year or so in my bondage adventures.  Once a thing I thought was only meant for old people, I now find myself spending ten minutes or so stretching out my legs, arms, chest, and my back before jumping into some rope.

4)Quiet your mind
There's something meditative about being tied up.  You don't want your mind racing a mile per minute while you're getting into it.  And don't be nervous either.  I'm usually a pretty social, bubbly, fun individual.  While I'm stretching, I take a few moments to focus on shutting some of those areas of my brain off, and entering a more meditative state.   It's hard to focus and enter that "headspace" while your mind is racing.

 

MBLGTACC Reflections

What an incredible whirlwind.

I didn't write about it much before this weekend, so here's a short explanation.  MBLGTACC stands for the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgendered Ally College Conference.  It's a yearly conference for college students (undergrad or graduate level) who identify as one of these populations.  The first year I attended this conference was in 2007 when I was still a student at Truman State University.  This conference was at University of Minnesota (it changes every year where it is).  It was an incredibly moving experience.  Despite being broke college students and the Midwest being as spread out as it is, thousands of GLBT students still came together in the frozen north for this conference, and the kind of energy that they brought with them was amazing.  Even though things kinda suck to be GLBT in the Midwest, the level of sheer joy and optimism that you find among these inspiring individuals is life-changing.

This year's conference was at University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.  As people were gathering in the Hill Auditorium on campus on Friday night for the opening ceremonies and the first keynote speaker, a dance party broke out when the DJ put on Lady Gaga's "Born This Way".  Have you ever seen a random dance party break out as 2,000 people are gathering for a speaker?  That's the kind of energy that just flowed this whole weekend.

When I first attended in 2007, there was a kink/BDSM workshop there, which was great.  But unfortunately, it was not very well attended.  Also, the presenters were not really college students, which is fine (lots of the workshops at the conference are put on by community members and not just students), but I thought there would be more interest if the presentation was made by someone the conference goers could relate to.  I applied to do a kink workshop for the 2008 conference which was at University of Illinois - Urbana-Champaign.  It was incredibly well attended - so well, in fact, that I had 75 people crammed in standing room in a classroom made for 30 people, and another 75 people out in the hall who had to be turned away due to lack of space.  

I presented a similar workshop again in 2009, but since I graduated, I decided to skip the 2010 conference.  I still keep up with some students who attend Truman State who went, and I was told by several of them and others that there wasn't a single kink-related workshop or presenter at the 2010 conference.  It was a disparity.

So back I came, this weekend, in 2011.  I applied to present two workshops on the New Guard and Kinkphobia as well as the first ever Kink-Identity Caucus (for people who identify as kinksters to meet, organize, and discuss).  I was surprised to find out that someone else, Elliot Jensen from University of Iowa, was supposed to also present two BDSM workshops.  He unfortunately had to cancel, so I volunteered to pick up one of his two workshops (the one on BDSM 101).  That made for a busy weekend, to do three workshops and a caucus, but it was a lot of fun!  Especially my workshop "Justifying Kink".  This was a one hour workshop on Kinkphobia and how it's felt within the GLBT community.  In retrospect, I should have asked for a 90 minute slot for this one - there were a lot of questions and great dialoge bouncing around and we almost ran out of time.  

All the workshops I did were very well attended.  They were all in the same auditorium-style classroom that seated around 200 people.  For all of them, every seat was filled.  

What can I say?  Wow.  I love this stuff.  I love presenting this workshops, and I love the energy I get from this.  I would love to present more of these workshops at other colleges/universities, or anywhere else.  I already can't wait for MBLGTACC 2012.  Maybe I could become a public speaker as a side job....anybody know anything about how to get started in that?  

To anyone who was present at the conference and attended the workshops I did, I know I saw lots of people in the audience taking pictures and video.  If you have any pics or vid of me presenting, please e-mail it to me!  I don't have any pics of me doing this yet.  Please send to TynanFox@gmail.com.  

I have a whole week off work still.  Time to set to work on a new project :)

 

MAL - I never wore any rubber

Mostly because I was working for Leatherati.  I didn't want to get silicon lube all over my phone or my notepad.  Not that I'm anti-leather.  On the contrary, I loved it.  LeatherDehners loaned me a few pieces to wear for the weekend, and they went over pretty well.  :)

I had to hit the ground running though.  As soon as I arrived, I got to drop all of my gear and lay on the bed for 15 minutes before showering and leathering up for my first press conference.  This is where the contestants for the weekend were introduced, and would be the only time we would see them publicly until Sunday afternoon for the contest.  Very hot men! 

I ran into G-Man while I was eating.  It was great to catch up with him again.  Then I mostly just hung out in the lobby and drank, and caught up with some friends that I never get to see.  Or at least, not nearly often enough.  

Saturday was awesome, as expected.  I hit the gym first, and then sorted out my game plan for the day.  I had a press conference where I learned of a very interesting issue surrounding IML.  I was pleased to get an actual interview.  I felt like a real journalist.  But that didn't last long, becuase I hit the Leathermart to shop, and to find something to do with my afternoon.  It turned out to be involving a good friend of mine, a new friend of mine, and a LOT of duct tape. Can't think of a better way to spend a few hours.

I got unwrapped just in time to shower and get ready for the Leather Cocktails event, thrown by the Centaurs.  That's the leathergroup that runs the whole MAL event.  It was catered and there was an open bar!  The ceremony of flags was pretty sweet, as well as the installation of new officers.  I really enjoy seeing these kinds of old-guard and brotherhood events. 

Saturday night I ended up in the lobby drinking, and in a few rooms visiting friends.  Sunday I got up and put on a pair of much needed sunglasses to go with the cop uniform I borrowed.  I went to leather brunch, again, hosted by the Centaurs, amazingly.  I can't imagine how much work that group must put into this.  Then the contest was that afternoon, which was surprisingly short.  Compared to MIR, I think it had really good flow, was simple, yet effective.  I liked it.  Although the mid-contest entertainment could have been improved somewhat...

Afterwards I entered a LAZY phase for a few hours.  It has been a busy, busy weekend and I decided to just crash and hang with my roomates.  We ordered some Chinese food.  Afterward I leathered back up and met everyone down in the lobby for the end of MAL...enjoyed some drinks and company, and then...well, you read my previous post.  I guess I AM an instigator. 

Hope you enjoyed the recap.  Can't wait for the next gearnight at the MPLS Eagle.  There's also a few leather contests coming up in Minneapolis.  I have to work for both of them!  So pissed.  Wish I could be there.  But you should be!  I'll get more details about them up soon.

Missouri is Trying to Kill Me

Every time I go back to Missouri for a visit to family, or otherwise, something goes wrong.  

So I packed up my car and left town on Sunday after work.  I drove halfway to St. Louis, stopping in Iowa City on Sunday night to sleep at around midnight.  Monday I rolled out of bed and drove the rest of the way to St. Louis.  Around 5pm, I noticed my transmission starting to slip just a little and thought, "I should get that looked at before my return trip."  6pm, I get off the highway at the exit off Highway 70 just a few blocks from my house.  I wait at the traffic light for my turn to go and press the gas pedal.  The engine revs, the car doesn't move.

Repeated attempts weren't fruitful either.  I took a deep breath and attempted to NOT panic.  I turned on my hazard lights and traffic started moving around me.  I called the police who put me in touch with Motorist Assist to help me get a tow truck.  

Let me back up for a second.  I'm back and forth from Rochester to Minneapolis every other weekend and I travel a lot with my bondage gear in my trunk.  This happens so often I will sometimes just leave it in my trunk for a week and not even unload.  It's just one of those things, you know?  Even if the trip I'm going on is completely not kinky, I just can't travel without SOMETHING, just in case.  I think most of us kinksters are like that.  For the past couple months I'd been ridiculously lazy about unloading my car.  So in my trunk was bondage gear, rubber gear, leather gear, spandex, and an assload of sex toys.  I didn't want to unload it all before I left because I was in a hurry, even though I new damn well that taking that much crap with me would be overkill, even if I DID find a kinky hookup.

Back to the highway.  Priority one was to call the police.  Priority two was to get out of the car, tear through the back seat and pick up whatever is laying out, and then open the trunk to survey the damage.  Of COURSE my bags had exploded everywhere so it was like a mad dash to put everything back away in the bags because I would need a ride later on.

I finished stuffing random sex gear in bags just in time for the motorist assist to arrive.  Of course I just don't have a place for some of the larger things, specifically, my E7 Mickey Mouse boots and Waders. While we wait for the tow truck, I called my Dad to please come pick me up from the shop, after of course, explaining everything that happened.

You know what's coming next.  I need to get to my parents house, and my car has to stay at the shop.  "You need any help with your luggage?"

I figured saying No would be a bit awkward, because I had such an ungodly amount of it.  "Sure."

Dad comes around to the trunk of my car.  "What'd you do, pack for a two week excursion?  You look like you're getting ready to trek across the Sierras."  Keep in mind my trip to St. Louis was for five nights, which clearly doesn't require five bags of luggage.

".....................just gotta be ready for anything."

One of my bags is a huge green bag, it's a little smaller than a hockey bag.  That's the one I keep most of the bondage gear in, the ropes, the rolls of tape, etc.  It's heavy.  Dad picks it up.  "What the hell do you have in here anyway?  Bricks?"

".....................don't worry about it."

THANKFULLY he just let it go.  We move a few more things over to the trunk of his car without him saying very much.  We drive home and make small talk about what could be wrong with the car.  At the house, we unload the trunk into my bedroom.  Like I said before, I couldn't fit the boots into any of the bags.  I am NOT an outdoorsman.  I don't fish or hunt or anything like that.  My dad knows this.  "You've got waders in your car?"

"Yes."

"Why?  What do you use those for?"

"............................the snow gets really really deep."

I don't know if he believed me or if he was being nice, but he laughed and just went on helping me carry bags into the house.  As soon as he leaves I wipe the sweat from my brow.  All the bags and gear reach halfway up the wall in my bedroom. Then my mom sees it.  "What, are you moving back in?" she asks.

I didn't have anything witty to say.

Long story short, my car's transmission blew up.  The mechanic said that when he opened up the transmission pan, where the transmission SHOULD be, all he found was shrapnel.  Fabulous.  It would have been $2500 to put in a new one in a car that has a bluebook value of $325.  Not worth it.  Even though I drove that old girl for 7.5 years and she was my baby, it was time to put her out to pasture and let her lay down and die.  I called a scrap yard to have them pick her up.  This fox is now temporarily car-less.   

Now the attention shifts to how to get back to Minnesota.  I bought a plane ticket on Southwest (BING!).  But clearly I have a lot of luggage.  Dad says, "You want us to mail some of that up to you?  We could put it all in smaller boxes."

"(staying calm)................................no, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want to leave it here at the house and it's stuff I kind of need."

Mom chimes in, "Well, at least we could help you redistribute things and pack it all up better."

*gulp*

I really do appreciate the attempts at being helpful.  I really, really do.  Please imagine how much I'm squirming at this point on the inside, it's all I can do to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs.  Maintain your composure, Tynan, find a graceful way out of this.  "Oh, that's alright, I think I can do it myself okay."

Mom asks, "What, are you transporting drugs or something?"

No Mom, but if you knew what was in the bags, you'd probably wish it were drugs instead.  "No Mom, I just spend a lot of time on the highways to and from Minneapolis, and I didn't unload.  If I had known this would happen I wouldn't have even brought it down."

"Oh."

*phew* Dodged a bullet. 

Don't get me wrong, if I HAVE to come out as a twisted kinkster to them, so be it.  That doesn't mean I'm not deathly afraid of the day we actually have to talk about it.  And if I can put that day off, I'm going to for as long as possible.

My original plan was to drive back up here on Christmas Day, because I have to work a day shift on the 26th.  Instead, I flew into Minneapolis tonight and Pup Trigger was not only kind enough to pick me up and drive me all the way back to Rochester, but to bring Christmas dinner along with him.  And despite my holiday auto woes, I have a lot to be thankful for this year.  Particularly that I still made it under my family's radar.

Whatever you did on this holiday, I hope at least some aspect of it was kinky.  And hopefully somewhat more enjoyable than MY version of a kinky holiday!

~Tynan

MIR - The Reaction

So I didn't win, or place.  I still went to the competition, I learned all kinds of things about myself and I have a new stash of confidence.  No one can take that back from me.  I'm pleased with how I did.  Really.  I mean, I'd like to say that I'm taking it really really well.  

....But in fact, when I got back to Rochester, my husband Chris videotaped my REAL reaction.

 

~Tynan

MIR - I get it now

I'm still at MIR.  I'm still sobering up from last night.  Sounds like the perfect time to write.  :)  

The competition was a very, very long, arduous process.  There was a lot of "hurry up and wait", and all told, I only really had two hours of free time on Saturday from Noon until midnight.  Anyone who goes for a sash needs to be ready for that kind of time commitment.

Since the title of this post isn't "thank you", you can infer reasonably, and correctly, that I lost.  I know I had told a lot of the guys in Minneapolis that my goal was to at least make the top three, but sadly, I didn't make it there.  I won't lie, I AM a little disappointed after all the work I did.  BUT, after meeting and getting to know my competitors over two days, I can say honestly that every one of us was potentially deserving of the title.  Competition was steep!  The winner, G-Man, was Mr. Southeast Rubber (he's from Atlanta).  After hanging out with him for the whole weekend, I can say truly that the judges made the right decision here; this man has all of the qualities that embody Mr. International Rubber.

Before I say anything more, I have to give a special shout-out to my rubber Martha Stewart, Puck8954.  My catsuit was starting to rip apart in the back (again) as I was getting ready backstage for the events last night.  I called him up, told him the details, and he showed up and put an emergency patch on it 10 minutes before showtime!  That boy is amazing.

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.”  - Don Williams, Jr. 

I've learned more now than I ever thought I would through this process.  I always said I thought competitions were cheap, bullshit excuses for kinky guys to convene, but I get it now.  I'm not going to say this to be egotistical at all.

Entering and going to this competition did so much more for Minneapolis and Minnesota's kinky communities than I ever thought it would.  The fact that so many of my friends rallied around me and helped to encourage one person to go for a very intimidating goal ignited a spirit of brotherhood among us that we had never felt before.  And yes, I'm talking to you, BlackLeatherChazz, GearKidMN, JDLeathermanMN, LeatherDehners, TrainerAndBoy, RedLeafStars, RedDragonfly, MNHockey, MPLSGuy, RubberDudeMPLS, NixJohn, PecAssO, Willco68, and Bicycler. And any other boy I may have missed.  Your support and encouragement for me has been more humbling than I can express in words, and in this process of working together with me, I think we've become stronger than we ever have together.

My most humble of thanks through this process have to go out to one very special pup.  He's been a continuous source of inspiration, motivation, determination, support, and friendship.  PupTrigger, words can't express how much you've meant to me in working on this the past few months; thank you for not only giving me the courage to go for the gold, but making me feel like I could actually grab it.  

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that I lost.  I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this, because I mean it so fervently.  The past year of brotherhood we've shared, culminating in the past few months with my sash-run have been an incredible time for us.  It doesn't matter that it was me running - I think it would have been the case if any of us had gone for it.  Maybe this is the true meaning of the competition?  To give us all a common goal and something or someone to rally around as brothers?

Boys, even though I lost last night, we won.

~Tynan

It Gets Better

Okay, so I'll admit it.  I know why I've been so quiet/haven't posted recently.

I've been beside myself in the past few weeks, watching video after video get uploaded to YouTube for the It Gets Better Project.  Some of you read in a blog posting from many months ago where I opened up a little more about my past.  Yes, I attempted suicide when I was a teenager.  It seemed like the only solution at the time.  I was hopeless.  I could very easily have been one of the teenagers that all these videos are being made for today.

My mother gave me a lot of bad habits in life.  One of them is the ability to suppress and ignore things that you're really not happy about.  And I did.  For years I've forgotten about it, I moved on, and I grew up.  In a lot of ways, I thought I was healed and had successfully moved on.  But watching a couple of these videos made me very emotional.  Maybe all I had on there was a band-aid.

These videos have made me think about a lot of things in my life.  Obviously, I'm happy I didn't succeed at my attempt.  Things are amazing now, because it DOES get better.  So what's the emotion coming from here?

Probably just that I would have given my left arm to have these videos and this support available to me when I was in high school.

It seems childish to obsess over all this, now ten years later in my life.  But still, reliving, growing, and enduring is important.  Even though those videos aren't meant for me, per se, I feel so much better having watched so many of them.  Time to close that chapter of my book, and move on.

Now, it's my turn.

 

~Tynan

Finished

P90X was over on Saturday.  Here's my results.

Needless to say, I'm pleased with the results.  :)  The new banner I put up was actually taken a couple weeks ago in the basement of Cockpit Minneapolis by an excellent friend of mine, MPLSGuy.  Now that I'm in a routine of working out so much, I think I'm going to keep it up.  I'm starting another round of 90 days with the routine, we'll see what happens to me in the end.  I find that working out so much, however, takes a lot of time away from writing.  Something that I'm really not too happy about.

I'm getting nervous at MIR.  Excited nervous, not nervous nervous.  I have an enormous amount of gratitude for all the encouragement my friends have provided me in the past few weeks/months.  I'll be carrying your strength with me to the stage.  

MIR aside, I'm helping a couple friends with an event at the Eagle for Gear Night on November 13th.  Leather Eye for the Preppy Guy.  We're going to strip the "prep" off a few hot guys from MPLS right on stage, and the audience decides who wins.  Event is from 10pm-11pm, with the standard Beer Bust, dancing, and screwing around afterward.  Dresscode is relaxed this night.  I'll be rubberizing at least one of the contestants - and I'm really looking forward to it.  Should prove to be a great night, and thanks so much to all of our sponsors!

~Tynan

Things I Learned This Weekend

I only have a seasonal playspace.  I had to close for the summer because it was too fucking HOT in my attic and the a/c is busted up there.  Fortunately, the heat still works.  

Having a dedicated playspace in the house changes the whole atmosphere of a scene.  It's impossible to describe how much better playing in the attic is than playing in the bedroom.

I'm a messy dom.  I never clean up used gear, toys, etc. as I go along.  It makes for some pretty awesome aesthetics of "aftermath" at the end, but takes a while to reorganize the day after a visit.  

No matter how many times you've been around the block, it's important to remember the basics of a scene, including playing with someone you have a connection with, who knows and understands you, that you trust.  

Planning ahead makes all the difference.  Think BIG.  Think EPIC.  Dare to dream of the best scene you could ever create, and go for it.  Although making it up as you go along is fine most of the time, the anticipation you build for yourself and your partner makes it even better.

Things may look or sound more fun in photographs or videos than they actually are in reality.  True friends in kink explore uncharted territory together.  Kinksters with the right mutual chemistry can salvage a scene gone only slightly awry and still end it in one of the best orgasms you've had.

Never, ever say "never".  You may eventually do something you told yourself you'd have no part of, and surprise yourself at how incredibly HOT it turns out to be.

Experience should not be intimidating.  Be confident in who you are and what you like, and it will spew forth as pure sexual energy during a scene.  Lack of experience does NOT mean you're doomed to kink-failure.

Just as the old saying goes, "You never truly know someone," you never truly know yourself.  Don't be afraid to let yourself grow, change, and explore new territory.  Dig deep.  Find out who you are.  You won't lose hold of where you are now; everything will still be here when you get back, only you may be a more enlightened person in the end.  You might even surprise yourself and your dom, sub, or switch, but most kinksters like surprises like that.

Never apologize for your kinks; don't live up to standards that aren't yours.  With all the kinksters in the world, I guarantee that you are not alone in your kink, and there really is someone out there who's compatible with you just the way you are.

Shop for duct tape at Home Depot in the ducting/piping aisle, not the painting aisle.

Special thanks to MaleBndg for an incredible three days.  Hope you enjoyed Minnesota, bro.  You taught me a lot.  I'm gonna be floating on cloud nine for a few days from this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GEAR NIGHT is this weekend at the Minneapolis Eagle.  Saturday, 9pm-2am.  See you there as I unwind.

Oh, and Facebook decided to delete my profile for "Tynan Fox", so I opened a "page" for myself on the site as a visual artist.  Seemed like the most appropriate thing.  Click the banner on the left and "like" me on there to keep up with status updates, etc.

~Tynan

Birthday Present for Me

OMG.  I got a huge chunk of my rubber gear in the mail today. Are words really necessary to describe the elation I'm feeling right now?  Pictures to follow.  Maybe a virtual fashion show?  It's like a birthday present, to myself.

Looking back, 25 was a good year.

There's been a lot of positive things happening in my life.  Moving into a house, my partner finding a dream job he loves and is good at, making a TON of new friends in Minneapolis, writing this blog, attending my first IML, getting into shape again, working toward competing at MIR...things have been looking up in a lot of areas in my life.  I've never been happier than I am now.

I know I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to, my posts have slowed down to about once a week to a week and a half.  That's mostly because I've started working out for an hour or more per day.  Truly, the hardest thing about working out is trying to find the time to fit it into your schedule.  Fortunately I've been able to get into a routine, and although some days I still hate doing it, I'm still pushing myself forward because I'm seeing results.  And I can't thank all my friends enough for their motivation to keep going.

The road to MIR is getting shorter.  It may sound stupid, but I'm already learning a lot about myself just working on the application, finding a sponsor (thank you Cockpit Minneapolis!), and working out.  Working out is something we all should be doing anyway, but my "quest for the sash" is the thing that really motivated me to get going on it.  Finding a sponsor has pushed me to talk more to local businesses that support the leather/rubber community, and making those community ties has opened my eyes to another have of our leather world.  I guess I could say that going for the sash is already changing my life and we're not even to MIR yet.  I'm really excited about it anyway - it'll be a great experience and I'm looking forward to being on stage side-by-side with some friends.

GEAR NIGHT is at the Minneapolis Eagle this Saturday.  As much buzz and talk as I have heard, I think we're going to have an amazing turn out, much like we did last month.  Even if all you can do is meet the minimum dresscode, PLEASE try to come out and experience what it's like.  As always, if you see me there, please stop me and say Hi!  I love meeting new people.  Besides, I need to find someone to give me 26 spankings. 

Then, on Sunday after Gear Night, I get to hop on a plane in the morning to head to Michigan to join the Chicago Hellfire Club for Session B of Inferno.  I consider it to be an honor just to be invited, but I'll also be doing a demo there on - what else? - mummification.  I'm really pumped about that too and I think it'll be an awesome time, even though I'm a little bit nervous and I don't quite know what to expect!

25 was amazing.  I expect 26 is going to be even better.

~Tynan

Aire of Confidence

A friend of mine attended the last Gear Night at the Eagle.  He's totally vanilla, at least, for now, but probably kinky underneath.  At minimum, he's really curious about all this kinky stuff that PupTrigger and I keep talking about.  He wore the bare minimum required to get in the door (which is jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and boots).  In the end, I asked him what he thought, and he said it was amazing.  Put it another way, 

"Never before have I been around so many gay men and once and felt such an incredible aire of confidence."

I've always thought there was something special to us.  Despite all of our insecurities, there's still, in one big group of us, an aire of confidence which is unsurpassed by any other group of gay men.  And this boy's been to PLENTY of large groups of gay men, so it wasn't just that either.  But I think anyone who reads this blog who's been to one of the larger events (IML, MIR, MAL, etc.) can attest to this.

It's something about the leather, the rubber that does it to us.  I've always felt about 100 times more confident at the Saloon (a vanilla gay boy bar) if I'm wearing my chaps and a leather shirt than if I were trying to be Abercrombie and fit in.  The second the gear is pulled on, all the insecurities fly out the window.  I've got a secret.  I've got something special to me.  You think you're hot shit?  I could do things to you, vanilla boy, that would make your fucking HEAD SPIN.

And when you put us all in a hot, sweaty, underground of a bar together?  Curious, inexperienced boys are amazed, and they smell something big on the horizon.  They can feel that this is going to be huge for them, and they're dying to be a part of that confidence.

And when I see curious, inexperienced boys in the bar, I smell a paradigm shifting.

~Tynan

Weekends in Minneapolis

What can I say?  I love to get up to Minneapolis on the weekends.  I've got some of the best kinky friends in the world.  I wasn't even up here to celebrate anything, but I felt like I was with all the awesome times.

Gear Night at the Eagle was Saturday.  I didn't do a whole lot of advertising or arm twisting, simply because of my work schedule.  But WHOA!  It was the BEST attended Gear NIght we've had yet!  There was easily about 150 HOT kinky guys in the underground.  So many so that it was difficult to move around at times (not that that is a problem!)  Special thanks to TrainerAndBoy and his partner for working so hard to motivate all the hot kinksters to show up, and thanks to them for being such good people - I'm looking forward to getting to know them more in the future.  And also looking forward to seeing the crowds get bigger and bigger and bigger on the 2nd Saturday gear nights!  There's a few pics from a pre-party we went to on my Facebook profile - go check it out, and see what you're missing at the MPLS Eagle.

My best friend in Minneapolis is a pup.  He's really the only true one around here that we can find.  I'm so happy for him because he finally figured out his pup name.  Everyone, please welcome PupTrigger.  It happened in his car.  Such a cute face when he found it felt right.  We then spent the rest of the afternoon shopping for some rubber for my run at MIR.

Speaking of which, I'm starting to see some results from working out.  I've been doing P90X.  It's been three weeks and I already see a huge difference.  It's not gimmicky!  If you need to get in shape, look into it.

And finally, I've been talking to local business about sponsorship for the competition.  Making a little headway.  And hopeful to have a local sponsor at MIR.  I really, really want the world to know that Minneapolis has kink, and I'd like to show just how awesome it is here.

Coming up: Next month's gear night is September 11th at the Minneapolis Eagle, which is right around my birthday.  So de facto, I'm making it into Gear Night/My Birthday Party!!!  Come on out, someone needs to give me 26 spankings.

Oh!  And check out Leatherati.  They've posted a new Issues column on "What is Leather?"  I submitted a post and they're still looking for others to submit as well.  Check them out - that's one of my favorite other leather blogs I read.

~Tynan