The Fox Den

Please click the link above and vote! I have been nominated for "Best Bondage Advocate" and "Best Bondage Blog". You can vote once per day through the end of November!

Intersections

NACA South was excellent. Huge, huge thank yous to all the schools who said Hi and took information from me. I know I'll be contacting you soon! Oh yeah, and if you took your picture with me, please, e-mail it to me. I didn't get nearly enough pictures this time around. As I write this, I'm currently up in the sky on Delta, transferring through ATL to DFW for NACA Central. No rest for the wicked...

Speaking of wicked, let's move on to the meat of this post. Yes, I hooked up in my spare time. Shocking, I know. But here's the super shocking part of it: I hooked up with a straight guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know you're all moaning and groaning as you read this saying, "Well then he's not really straight now is he?" Hear me out for a second. Take a step back a moment and imagine a world where people are not just GAY or STRAIGHT, but rather, sexuality is fluid. I could bend your ear for a while about what's physiological vs. sociological regarding sexuality, but I'll save that post for another time. 

I met this guy on Recon. His profile was pretty straight forward, short, and to the point. He was looking for a rope dom to tie him up, do some sensory deprivation, and edge him. He's in his 20s, and he's damn cute. Twist my fucking arm, why don't you.

He comes over to my hotel, and decides to drop the bomb then. He's straight. 

Now, I'm not heterophobic or anything. I mean, people can live their lives anyway they want, even if I don't agree with it as a healthiest of lifestyles. I will admit, however, that my heart sunk into a pit in my stomach only because of previous experiences/encounters I've had with other guys who decided to call themselves "straight". I've had three or four of these hook ups with other "straight" guys who are just looking to get tied up and played with, but they always have a tendency to PANIC the moment they realize they have no control over the fact that a man is touching their junk. Each time I've done this, the scenes have always ended disasterously because the men who wanted to do it weren't confident enough to cope with getting a handjob from another man. So as the boy was telling me about all his straightness, my knee jerk reaction was to instantly find an excuse to get him out of my hotel room. STAT.

What's that old saying? Never judge a book by its cover?

The boy went on to explain why he felt comfortable hitting me up. Yes, he was straight, but he was also one of those extremely sexually active straight boys. He's done straight porn in the past, multiple times. He's had a LOT of really straight sex, and he's had a LOT of BDSM sex with women, always as the Dom/Top. He's had three ways and four ways and gang bangs with women while other men are present. The point I'm trying to make is that he's confident enough in his sexuality through this repeated exposure over time to not feel at all threatened by another man's sexuality during a scene. 

So I asked him, with all of that experience, YEARS of it, what could he possibly learn or get from me?

There's where the intersection is. He is a rope bondage fanatic, and like myself, he's been fantasizing about it since he was a kid. There's never been a time in his life where any kind of kidnap, rope, restraint, gag, sensory deprivation scene was NOT a turn on to him. Even so, after eight years of domming women in BDSM scenes, he said that whenever he has attempted to submit to women, he can't take them seriously. For it to feel real to him, it would need to really be done by someone who could overtake him. By a man.

That's where the magic was; that "aha" moment. There's a predominant intersection between this gay kinkster and that straight kinkster. He's not interested in men, or anal sex, or anything to do with my dick. He'd never been forced to keep his hands off his dick. No one's ever prevented him from jerking off. Meanwhile, that's one of my favorite things to do to boys as a dom; bondage, gag, blindfold, and edge them until they're begging me to PLEASE let them get off! I don't need to fuck him or make him suck my cock to have a good time. When I see/hear him trying to beg me through the restraints I've put him and watch him squirm in whatever position it is, I won't have any trouble blowing a load.

The two of us have a combined 18 years of experience in BDSM in our respective communities. I don't think this picture perfect overlap could have worked out if there had been any less experience between us.

I tied him down, blindfolded him, muzzled him, and I got off on tormenting him. Once he was a horny dripping begging mess, I figured he had earned his reward. I untied him and we talked for a little while, and he walked out of my hotel no more a homosexual than he was when he first walked in. And for the first time in my kinky life, I've been able to find an awesome common ground with the creature which I never thought I could relate to: the straight male human.

Savage Podcast

Guess what!

I had the honor of assisting Dan Savage in answering a kinky question on his weekly Savage Podcast! See how I helped answer a question for a straight, kinky girl who wanted to know how to get over the kink-shame she's felt for years!

Link to the podcast: here!

It's Working

For those of you who have only recently joined this blog and/or may have not read every single word dating back two and a half years ago, let me rehash why I started writing in the first place. 

I was looking at Recon profiles and blogs for years, and reading about all the hot experiences guys have, wishing it were me. They all seemed to be from guys who either lived in the Northeast or the West coasts. Years of looking at all these profiles and seeing things that I didn't have, yet wanting so badly resulted in giving me a complex of feeling powerless to change anything about my kinky life. And I thought to myself, yes, I've played, but not like that....

.....but I've played. I thought about it more and more, and I realized; I've been doing bondage since I was 18. Despite living in the middle of nowhere in college, I played a LOT. I found guys out there on sites and went for more weekend excursions than I remember (fortunately, most of them had photographic evidence). Maybe the pictures weren't as hot as the ones I've seen by other guys and maybe I didn't have a whole room full of gear and a dungeon of my own, but for being 25 years old, I have a pretty fucking kinky life! There's no reason I shouldn't be proud of it.

Moreover, there's no reason that anyone else can't have it. Maybe if I wrote about my own life, others won't feel so inhibited to get out there and play while they're younger. Grab your kinky life by the balls, kinkster, because you're not the only college boy dying to break into this. 

I've been pouring my life out to you all through this site in the hope that someone, somewhere is reading it and feeling like they're not alone. I track my stats a little bit so I know I have plenty of readers, but being that the blog really isn't that old (only 2ish years), I'm sure there's an impact yet to be made. 

But it's working. 

This weekend, MPLSGuy invited me up to help entertain a couple boys visiting him from Florida. FLABound and FlyBoyFL came up for their first big kinky excursion. It was an absolutely perfect weekend. There was a LOT of play, a tour of Minneapolis dungeons (thanks to MPLSGuy, b1point5, and Pterodactyl), good food, great laughs, EPIC bondage scenes (thanks to all our hosts and my partner in crime, PupTrigger), awesome nights at the bar, and a wonderful feeling of family with two really hot, young guys. As I sit here and write this on Monday evening, I feel a little bit like IML just ended. I'm kind of on cloud nine from these guys. 

On top of it all, the boys couldn't stop gushing over how excited they were to meet me. It was almost embarrassing how much they treated me like some kind of celebrity all weekend. I hadn't really talked to them on Recon or anything before meeting them this weekend, but they both told me how long they've been reading my blog for and how inspiring it was to them. Without the words and experiences I've written about here, they both told me that they would never have had the courage to dive in deeper or to go fly off to visit a dom for a kinky weekend. They were both too nervous to ever chat with me before, but they both said, "Reading your words gave us hope, and courage."

I'm not telling all of this just to blow my own horn. Fuck the fame, the fortune, the power, or the glory. That's not what this blog is about. I'm just so proud that I'm already somehow meeting the greatest goal that I ever set out for myself in this little spot on the web. I'm not here to be a celebrity. I'm just a regular guy! But I'm so, so proud that the words I've written are already having an impact on lives, somewhere.

But it's not just my words. More and more blogs, tumblrs, and twitters have been popping up from kinky, younger guys all over the country. People like TallGlassOfOJ, KinkyBoiNick, AlphaPupAlpine, BenInLeatherLand, JohnnyGear, VagaBondageBoy, PupSkoll, LeatherBondageLove, AllAmericanKinkster and RubberFreak are all pouring their kinky hearts, souls, and lives out for all the world to understand. These are all pivotal for our entire community. The more we share our own lives, the less isolated we'll feel, the more kinksters will come out, the stronger our community will be, and the more family we have.

To FLABound and FlyBoyFL, thanks for an awesome weekend, thanks for reading, and thanks for having the courage to take a leap of faith.

And to all the other blogging, tweeting, and tumblring kinksters out there,
Keep playing.
Keep traveling.
Keep photographing.
Keep writing.
Keep reading.
Keep living. 
Keep loving.

We're reaching them. It's working. 

PupSkoll

....is amazing.

I know I'm currently on the road at NACA, but I just found this time to look at these pictures in my e-mail. Skoll's been working on rubbercraft, and a few weeks ago I let him take my measurements.  My weekend was busy as usual, so the first and only time we could find a place to meet up was at the MPLS Eagle, at Gear Night this past Saturday.

As you can see, I'm pretty pleased with the results.  Isn't his rubbercraft amazing?  And I love the color!  Thank you PupSkoll!

The rest of the Gear Night patrons enjoyed it as well.... 

Zentai

I don't know what started it all for me.  I remember looking at porn in my teens and running across the picture of a guy in a zentai on some obscure japanese website screwing around.

This fetish has yet to really take off in the USA.  There are these things called Morph Suits which are available widely in the UK.  People buy them, wear them to sporting events(in team colors), even run marathons or bike races in them.  It's always been viewed as a pretty "Euro" thing, although I've been told by friends who go to college football games, hockey games, etc. that you can find people in the crowds wearing these to show support for their teams colors.  It'll probably catch on slowly here, like everything else.

There's a whole contingency of fetishists into Zentai located in Japan and China as well.  I wonder why this is?  Whatever the case may be, I'm jealous of the spandex parties I've heard of/seen advertised on Japanese websites.  Can you imagine a whole zentai orgy?  

Well.....I can.

During Minneapolis Pride, some of our kinky friends (PuppyBullet, TorchedStud, ColoBondage28Boy, and others) flew out to join us from Denver.  A certain very gracious dom with a dungeon hosted a couple parties/mixers for the MPLS boys and the Denver boys to ....um.....get to know each other.  Imagine my excitement when I walked in and found this happening:

Well, you know...a good fox comes prepared for anything and everything, so this...

Very quickly turned into this....

Can anybody guess who's who?

I swear....we can get this fetish to take off in this country YET.

The Bondage

I've been asked by a couple readers who think they don't necessarily understand my fetish to further explain.  What exactly is it that makes me tick, and what is it about boys into bondage?  It's a complicated question.

I've always said and will continue to say that my main fetish is bondage.  Anything beyond that may turn me on, sure, but this is where it all started for me.  I know I'm not alone either - but as I've grown older,
 I've learned/discovered that the TRUE bondage enthusiasts among us are fewer and farther between than I originally thought.  When I was exploring the kinky sites and learning more, I thought EVERYONE was into bondage....and that may be the case, a little, but the "specialists" are less frequent.

I think on a certain level, either you get it or you don't.  The best way to illustrate this is to start from the beginning.  I first remember being turned on by the idea of bondage when I was 4 years old.  Yes, four.  I know you're all going to squirm as you read this, and I'm squirming pretty hard as I'm typing it myself, but I can't deny it.  I remember sitting in the back of my parent's station wagon on a family vacation.  I was doing a coloring book to pass the time.  I flipped though it, and the last page was a picture of three cowboys, all tied back with their backs to a pole, all of them gagged with these huge bandannas covering their mouths.  Even at that age, I was inexplicably drawn to that picture; I remember being turned on by it.  Even at 4 years old.

I think most of the people who are into bondage understand this.  But what is it specifically that turns me on about it?  It's a culmination of a lot of factors.  It's the feeling of the rope.  It's straining against said rope and stretching your body out.  It's the feeling of helplessness, knowing that you can't stop what's happening to you.  Add a gag, blindfold, and ear plugs, and it's sensory deprivation to the max.  That's why a lot of times, bondage enthusiasts like mummification so much.  But what's so sexy about that?

Think about it this way.  You can't speak.  You can't see.  You can't hear what's going on very well, you can't move at all, and you definitely can't get out of the bondage by yourself.  The only thing you CAN feel is your dick.  Think about all the other sensory inputs in your body being shut off, and the only thing you can feel and focus your mind on is that incredible sexual arousal.  I never really thought of it this specifically before, but it's definitely a mind trip. 

But honestly, I can't say I have much of an appeal to professional bondage(sites like www.boundgods.com, www.boundinpublic.com, etc.) and/or professional porn.  The realism is very important to me, and it's far too obvious that the guys in those sites and others like it really only enjoy the bondage as an adjunct to the sex.  Sure, they may look pretty, and they're looking to get fucked by a pretty guy, but they're not *really* into it.  It's painfully obvious to me that the guys in the porn wouldn't be having sex with bondage if they weren't being paid to.  To me, a guy who really gets into bondage gets hard when he's tied up, regardless of whether or not he's getting fucked.  That realism is very important to me; and honestly?  Unless a guy understands that, my motivation to play with him decreases significantly.  I mean, I love to see a hot, muscled, sexy guy bound in rope as much as the next guy; but unless you can convince me that it's at least a *little* bit real, I'm not that interested.

That's why I/we love kidnapping scenes.  That's why the thought of being grabbed off the street is so hot to me.  It makes the bondage REAL.  Even if it is just role-play, it becomes real.  That's the other reason that porn doesn't appeal to me; the odds that I will ever get to screw around with a chiseled man like on those sites is pretty slim to none.  I can't see myself ever being in those scenes.  But if I see an amateur video of a guy being tied up and toyed with...well...that's something I can imagine being a part of quite easily.

Couple this with the fact that the men are never gagged in profesional porn, and I just get bored.  (I wish Bound and Gagged would come back online; they always gagged their models!) Among my friends who are part of this fetish, gags seem to be a very common focal point.  This is, in my opinion, the root of why the bondage enthusiasts are not very proud of their fetish.  For me, just the feeling of the pressure of tape or a hand or a bandanna pressed against my mouth is enough to make me hard, regardless of whether or not I'm tied up.  I can't describe why; I've just always been that way.  I think that's a common theme among those of us into bondage, and I think we're all ashamed to admit it too.  It's the stupidest, most random part of the body to be an erogenous zone; and we know it.

And there you have it.  The bondage.  It doesn't matter how stupid anyone thinks my fetish that doesn't make any sense is.  Yes, I know that a white van and a ski mask isn't quite the sexiest thing in the world to a lot of people, but honestly?  I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon than tied up and toyed with by a dom that knows his work. Bonus points if I didn't see it coming first.  

Usually when I tell someone that I get into bondage, their immediate response is, "Yeah, I'd love to tie you up and fuck you!"  They view the bondage as an adjunct to some otherwise very hot sex.  Not that sex is bad.  I certainly keep myself induldged.  But this is where a lot of my friends have struggled to  understand where I'm coming from. Some of them don't understand how you can get off in that position or else how you're supposed to get fucked while you're hanging from the ceiling or wrapped up from head to toe in duct tape.

These concerns are valid, and for the most part, I do believe there are two kinds of bondage kinksters.  Those like me, who've known this was a big part of them their whole lives.  There are also those who get into it later on and kinda get used to the idea, and it works for them.  And that's great!  The more the merrier.  I think most people that get into bondage later tend to be more interested in the bondage as an adjunct to sex.  Not that this is bad; by all means, people should absolutely be tying each other up and fucking.  But as I said at the beginning, I've realized how few of the born-enthusiasts there are.

I don't need to jizz to enjoy myself (although, it never hurts).  We're talking about two different kinds of sex.  The thing you can't forget is that the sex starts with the first knot, and ends when I can move again.

Mr. S

Sooo....I opened up my e-mail and found this:

And then I clicked on the picture and found this....

Nice.  Guess PupTrigger and I are Mr. S models now.  Oh, vendor market shennanigans... 

How to Prep

Lots of people ask me about bondage scenes.  One of my latest questions someone asked me was, "How do I get ready for my first bondage scene?"  This took some thought, and I was about to blurt out, "I really don't know," but then I thought about it.  I realized that without thinking about it, I have my own little ritual set that I go through in the days/hours before a bondage scene I have coming up.  Here they are.

These tips are, of course, considering you have first taken precautions regarding safety, physiologic well being (discussed allergies, medications with your partner), and are using safer sex practices.

1) Caffiene in moderation
This one seems weird to put first.  I don't care how early in the morning it is or how late at night it is.  Caffiene is really only good for keeping me awake.  I get gitters, I get hyperactive if I drink too much coffee, and no one likes coffee breath.  Red Bull makes me burp, and no one wants to stop to have to take a piss right in the middle of a scene.  Long story short - no one likes a tied up, tweaked out gay boy.

2)Hydrate
Bondage is strenuous and hard on the body, particularly with ropes.  If you're with a particularly good or Type A dom, you may be stuck in one position for hours and hours.  You want to go into the scene already hydrated.

3)Stretch
As I'm getting older, I'm realizing that I'm not invincible.  (Yes, I'm only 26).  I'm still exceptionally flexible and can contort in many positions, but my job puts a lot of strain on my back and I've noticed that for the last year or so in my bondage adventures.  Once a thing I thought was only meant for old people, I now find myself spending ten minutes or so stretching out my legs, arms, chest, and my back before jumping into some rope.

4)Quiet your mind
There's something meditative about being tied up.  You don't want your mind racing a mile per minute while you're getting into it.  And don't be nervous either.  I'm usually a pretty social, bubbly, fun individual.  While I'm stretching, I take a few moments to focus on shutting some of those areas of my brain off, and entering a more meditative state.   It's hard to focus and enter that "headspace" while your mind is racing.

 

I Turn Purple

And I can't help it. Moreover, I don't know what to do about it.

I love being tied up with rope. It's one of my two favorite mediums. But being a redhead creates a real problem with this. The fair skin really causes me to turn red and purple really easily and quickly, despite the fact that I have all normal feelings and sensations. Generally, i turn purple before I even start to go numb.

So what's the problem? No matter how many times I tell doms this, they generally untie me earlier than I would like. I can't say i blame them; purple hands and feet generally mean theyre numb or about to die, an outcome that neither of us want. But redheads are the exception to the rule, and it annoys me slightly. And I really can't figure out what to do about it without being off-putting to those who tie me up.

I've tried explaining all of this to them, but it comes down to finding a way to get a dom to break their own confort limits and let ME make it obvious that I need a break.

Any ideas or suggestions? I'm listening.

MAL - I never wore any rubber

Mostly because I was working for Leatherati.  I didn't want to get silicon lube all over my phone or my notepad.  Not that I'm anti-leather.  On the contrary, I loved it.  LeatherDehners loaned me a few pieces to wear for the weekend, and they went over pretty well.  :)

I had to hit the ground running though.  As soon as I arrived, I got to drop all of my gear and lay on the bed for 15 minutes before showering and leathering up for my first press conference.  This is where the contestants for the weekend were introduced, and would be the only time we would see them publicly until Sunday afternoon for the contest.  Very hot men! 

I ran into G-Man while I was eating.  It was great to catch up with him again.  Then I mostly just hung out in the lobby and drank, and caught up with some friends that I never get to see.  Or at least, not nearly often enough.  

Saturday was awesome, as expected.  I hit the gym first, and then sorted out my game plan for the day.  I had a press conference where I learned of a very interesting issue surrounding IML.  I was pleased to get an actual interview.  I felt like a real journalist.  But that didn't last long, becuase I hit the Leathermart to shop, and to find something to do with my afternoon.  It turned out to be involving a good friend of mine, a new friend of mine, and a LOT of duct tape. Can't think of a better way to spend a few hours.

I got unwrapped just in time to shower and get ready for the Leather Cocktails event, thrown by the Centaurs.  That's the leathergroup that runs the whole MAL event.  It was catered and there was an open bar!  The ceremony of flags was pretty sweet, as well as the installation of new officers.  I really enjoy seeing these kinds of old-guard and brotherhood events. 

Saturday night I ended up in the lobby drinking, and in a few rooms visiting friends.  Sunday I got up and put on a pair of much needed sunglasses to go with the cop uniform I borrowed.  I went to leather brunch, again, hosted by the Centaurs, amazingly.  I can't imagine how much work that group must put into this.  Then the contest was that afternoon, which was surprisingly short.  Compared to MIR, I think it had really good flow, was simple, yet effective.  I liked it.  Although the mid-contest entertainment could have been improved somewhat...

Afterwards I entered a LAZY phase for a few hours.  It has been a busy, busy weekend and I decided to just crash and hang with my roomates.  We ordered some Chinese food.  Afterward I leathered back up and met everyone down in the lobby for the end of MAL...enjoyed some drinks and company, and then...well, you read my previous post.  I guess I AM an instigator. 

Hope you enjoyed the recap.  Can't wait for the next gearnight at the MPLS Eagle.  There's also a few leather contests coming up in Minneapolis.  I have to work for both of them!  So pissed.  Wish I could be there.  But you should be!  I'll get more details about them up soon.

Spread

Spread your peanut butter.

Spread the love.

Spread your feet, Sir.

Spread it all around.

Spread the word!

Spread of scores.

Spread the sickness.

Spread your legs.

Spread your wings.

 

Thanks, Bicycler, for showing me I can fly.  I'm still sore and the ropeburn is still healing two and a half days later, you stud ;)

In other news, Gear Night at the Eagle was awesome...thanks for coming out everyone!

Things I Learned This Weekend

I only have a seasonal playspace.  I had to close for the summer because it was too fucking HOT in my attic and the a/c is busted up there.  Fortunately, the heat still works.  

Having a dedicated playspace in the house changes the whole atmosphere of a scene.  It's impossible to describe how much better playing in the attic is than playing in the bedroom.

I'm a messy dom.  I never clean up used gear, toys, etc. as I go along.  It makes for some pretty awesome aesthetics of "aftermath" at the end, but takes a while to reorganize the day after a visit.  

No matter how many times you've been around the block, it's important to remember the basics of a scene, including playing with someone you have a connection with, who knows and understands you, that you trust.  

Planning ahead makes all the difference.  Think BIG.  Think EPIC.  Dare to dream of the best scene you could ever create, and go for it.  Although making it up as you go along is fine most of the time, the anticipation you build for yourself and your partner makes it even better.

Things may look or sound more fun in photographs or videos than they actually are in reality.  True friends in kink explore uncharted territory together.  Kinksters with the right mutual chemistry can salvage a scene gone only slightly awry and still end it in one of the best orgasms you've had.

Never, ever say "never".  You may eventually do something you told yourself you'd have no part of, and surprise yourself at how incredibly HOT it turns out to be.

Experience should not be intimidating.  Be confident in who you are and what you like, and it will spew forth as pure sexual energy during a scene.  Lack of experience does NOT mean you're doomed to kink-failure.

Just as the old saying goes, "You never truly know someone," you never truly know yourself.  Don't be afraid to let yourself grow, change, and explore new territory.  Dig deep.  Find out who you are.  You won't lose hold of where you are now; everything will still be here when you get back, only you may be a more enlightened person in the end.  You might even surprise yourself and your dom, sub, or switch, but most kinksters like surprises like that.

Never apologize for your kinks; don't live up to standards that aren't yours.  With all the kinksters in the world, I guarantee that you are not alone in your kink, and there really is someone out there who's compatible with you just the way you are.

Shop for duct tape at Home Depot in the ducting/piping aisle, not the painting aisle.

Special thanks to MaleBndg for an incredible three days.  Hope you enjoyed Minnesota, bro.  You taught me a lot.  I'm gonna be floating on cloud nine for a few days from this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GEAR NIGHT is this weekend at the Minneapolis Eagle.  Saturday, 9pm-2am.  See you there as I unwind.

Oh, and Facebook decided to delete my profile for "Tynan Fox", so I opened a "page" for myself on the site as a visual artist.  Seemed like the most appropriate thing.  Click the banner on the left and "like" me on there to keep up with status updates, etc.

~Tynan

Birthday Present for Me

OMG.  I got a huge chunk of my rubber gear in the mail today. Are words really necessary to describe the elation I'm feeling right now?  Pictures to follow.  Maybe a virtual fashion show?  It's like a birthday present, to myself.

Looking back, 25 was a good year.

There's been a lot of positive things happening in my life.  Moving into a house, my partner finding a dream job he loves and is good at, making a TON of new friends in Minneapolis, writing this blog, attending my first IML, getting into shape again, working toward competing at MIR...things have been looking up in a lot of areas in my life.  I've never been happier than I am now.

I know I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to, my posts have slowed down to about once a week to a week and a half.  That's mostly because I've started working out for an hour or more per day.  Truly, the hardest thing about working out is trying to find the time to fit it into your schedule.  Fortunately I've been able to get into a routine, and although some days I still hate doing it, I'm still pushing myself forward because I'm seeing results.  And I can't thank all my friends enough for their motivation to keep going.

The road to MIR is getting shorter.  It may sound stupid, but I'm already learning a lot about myself just working on the application, finding a sponsor (thank you Cockpit Minneapolis!), and working out.  Working out is something we all should be doing anyway, but my "quest for the sash" is the thing that really motivated me to get going on it.  Finding a sponsor has pushed me to talk more to local businesses that support the leather/rubber community, and making those community ties has opened my eyes to another have of our leather world.  I guess I could say that going for the sash is already changing my life and we're not even to MIR yet.  I'm really excited about it anyway - it'll be a great experience and I'm looking forward to being on stage side-by-side with some friends.

GEAR NIGHT is at the Minneapolis Eagle this Saturday.  As much buzz and talk as I have heard, I think we're going to have an amazing turn out, much like we did last month.  Even if all you can do is meet the minimum dresscode, PLEASE try to come out and experience what it's like.  As always, if you see me there, please stop me and say Hi!  I love meeting new people.  Besides, I need to find someone to give me 26 spankings. 

Then, on Sunday after Gear Night, I get to hop on a plane in the morning to head to Michigan to join the Chicago Hellfire Club for Session B of Inferno.  I consider it to be an honor just to be invited, but I'll also be doing a demo there on - what else? - mummification.  I'm really pumped about that too and I think it'll be an awesome time, even though I'm a little bit nervous and I don't quite know what to expect!

25 was amazing.  I expect 26 is going to be even better.

~Tynan

Transition

I spent some time as a sub this weekend.  Back to Detroit, to visit my stud of a master, YngMstrDetroit.  I haven't spent a lot of time as sub lately - I've been really busy with work and other projects, and when I have gotten to play, I've been doming lately.  A lot.  I think I've only really subbed once since MAL in January, and that was for a short scene at IML in May.  I didn't realize how long it's been until I got here.

It took me a few minutes to get acclimated with what it means to be a sub all over again.  It felt weird at first, to be restrained without any choice as to how or why.  Whoa.  Those are some words I never thought I would type.  It only lasted a few minutes...but still.  I think I felt the transition from person to submissive, in slow motion.  I feel completely different as a boy than I do as my usual self.  It's a different mindset, from the words I choose to the actions I take.  

YngMstrDetroit is actually two Masters; there's Master A and Master R.  Master R loves anal play, something that never interested me fully.  I remember being 18 and seeing porn of a naked guy in a sling getting his ass stuffed with enormous toys, fists, etc.  Anything he can really fit in there.  I remember thinking to myself, "That will never, ever, EVER be me."

That's the thing about being a sub.  You don't get to choose whether that will be you or not.  Master R got to make that decision for me.

After I spent some time cleaning, he put me in a leather straightjacket, a rubber gas mask, and then put me in a sling.  I spent the next three hours there getting things shoved up my ass I never thought would be put there.  Ever.  The thing that surprised me is that in the building moments leading up to the scene, I was looking forward to it.  Kind of reminds me of when Master A flogged me.  Why, why am I doing this?

I got a plug in my ass larger than anything that had ever been there before.  Well, that is, Master R got a plug in my ass that big, not me....

I was screaming at the top of my lungs and it hurt, but not really.  It kinda hurt.  But it felt good.  I loved every second of the whole scene, much to my own surprise.  What was I afraid of for all of these years?  Was I really not turned on by the idea of that scene?  Did I really never want that to be me?

Or was I just afraid to unleash the true fox inside me?

This is a boy in transition.  Gotta run now, Master A wants a foot rub before we go to the airport.

~Tynan

How to be a Stud...

...according to me.  Disagree?  Well, that's why it's according to me.

1)Be mysterious
My favorite leather cop, LeatherDehners is a prime example. He's been going to the Minneapolis Eagle for about ten years. He's an avid BDSM player and knows his craft well, and has a great playspace in his house. He often has guys over after meeting at the Eagle, and this is where the mystery comes in. You don't need to look up how to get to his house on Google Maps, becuase there's only one way to get there: tied up, gagged, and blindfolded in the back of his car. And that's how he drops you back off at the Eagle when he's done with you.

In 10 years, no one I can find at the Eagle knows where he lives, not even people who've been to his dungeon. To maintain that for 10 years!? Every good boy has a healthy sense of curiosity. That unknown about where you're going, that slight fear, that thrill, that rush....STUD. End of story.

2)Be sensual
One of the hottest scenes I have ever been in was also the most sensual. I was visiting Dakmaster's dungeon for a party, and I was finally getting to meet NixJohn. I arrived at the dungeon after him, and he happened to already be tied up in his hockey gear to a standing bondage frame in the basement/dungeon. When I arrived, Dak had me change into just my spandex shorts and boots, tied my wrists behind me, and blindfolded me. He led me downstairs, and told me to "get acquainted" with NixJohn.

Neither of us could see, but we were so nervous to finally meet one another. Breathing heavily, we spent a good amount of time exploring each other. The first thing I did was press myself up against him, which made him moan and struggle some...next, I found his neck, which I decided to kiss...

Dak kept switching the bondage positions around. We spent a good amount of time trying to "see" each other with our hands, lips, tongues...it was truly a magical, sensuous time. When we finally were allowed to see each other, we both decided to stay blindfolded for a while, like we were afraid to take them off. Amazing. And only a stud like Dak would think of doing something like that.

3)Be sexy
Let's face it; we're all a little bit shallow, no matter how much we try not to be. We all think it's wrong to judge based on appearences, but we all end up doing it anyway. That said, sexy can mean one thing to me and something very different to someone else. I'm sure that everyone in the world must be sexy to at least ONE other person out there. To me, lots of people are sexy. I have some rather varied tastes, and I think lots of guys are exceptionally sexy. But two guys were sexy enough to turn me on to something new.

BlackLeatherChazz is a stud in his leathers. I had always thought that the leather scene wasn't for me, because I was mostly into bondage. Then I met him, in person. I think the first time I saw him in leathers, my jaw hit the floor. I couldn't get over the look, the feel, the smell...My life changed drastically at that moment. Because of him, I now own a full set of leathers for myself. STUD.

Bicycler turned me on to the whole bondage scene in Minneapolis. He was one of the first guys I met when I moved up here from Missouri, for which I am ever thankful. And he's not too tough on the eyes, either. Tall, sexy voice, hairy, soft skin, athletic....and his bondage skills...well, you saw that suspension picture of me, didn't you? Need I say more?

4)Be confident
You can't show your studly self to others unless you truly feel you are such a stud. Just as important as knowing your shit is knowing when you know your shit. This is somewhere I struggle. I hold myself to standards which are likely too high; if I tie someone up in a group setting, I'm often told, "Wow. That's some amazing work." But I'm never satisfied. I always feel like it's not good enough or I could do better. I feel like my own bondage is substandard; group situation or not, I'm usually disappointed with my outcomes. Maybe I need to lower my standards of excellence and realize I DO know what I'm doing. Or maybe I just need to take a class.

I always strive to be more like YngMstrDetroit. He knows how to work over a boy. And he knows he knows how to work over a boy. His confidence shines through in every step, every scene, every slap with a flogger, every praise, every punishment, every order, every reward. He knows what's good for a boy, and what's not. It makes a boy feel safe and loved to know that Master knows best. I'm proud to call him my Sir.

5)Be humble
No one likes an asshole. There's too many of them in the world. While confidence is important, humility is equally important. It doesn't matter who you are, everyone has flaws. One who boasts their $100,000 playroom and their internally lit portable dungeon-in-a-box, or one who's goal is just to try to bang every guy on Recon is just going to turn me off. The most studly guys I know don't flaunt their work. They're quietly advertising, and they know their stuff.

MaleBndg is a perfect stud who didn't let his ego run away with him. He's very skilled, he's got the tools and the talent to make for one of the best scenes of your life (as I've experienced firsthand). I love him because he doesn't make a huge production of himself. He knows it only takes a few things to drive a boy crazy....and he does it well, without any shiny flashy lights or "look at me" advertising. Fortunately, he lets others do that for him ;)

I'm so fortunate to have met some of the most studly kinksters out there. I could have listed even more, but I can only type for so long. Thanks for the valuable life lessons you've given me, as I strive to become a stud myself.

~Tynan

Uninhibited

A couple weeks ago, one of my friends (Bicycler) said a something to me which is rather flattering.  Normally, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but this one made me think.  Quite a bit, really.  He told me that he admires the fact that, as far as kink is considered, I am so uninhibited.  Nothing stops me from exploring my desires.

I never thought about inhibitions with exploring kink.  It never crossed my mind.  When he first mentioned this, my first reaction was to think, "Why would I be inhibited to explore this?"  And then it dawned on me.  As Bob Wingate says on his blog when discussing a post I had made, "I love the way young people today not only take their bondage horniness for granted but are wonderfully comfortable with it. How times have changed!"  

When I was growing up, I lived in a rather conservative Lutheran household.  I was sent to parochial school until 7th grade.  My parents didn't even have CABLE in the house (first time I had that was when I left for college).  I was a dejected, straight-A nerd with few friends.  When I started having fantasies about men, I didn't know what it meant.  I had no idea.  I knew what the word "gay" meant, and I knew that it was a sin, but I wasn't a sinner, so fantasizing about men meant I wasn't gay.

I turned 13 and started figuring out the truth of the matter.  The abridged version is that I went through about three years of unhealthy self-hatred over what was going on with me.  There were many, many sleepless nights of praying, crying, and trying to "fix" myself and stop thinking about men in that way, culminating in a failed suicide attempt.  Finally when I was 16 or 17 I was able to give in, and accept that this is how it's going to be no matter what I do, and I should probably just get used to it.

Although I didn't start fantasizing about men in particular until I hit puberty, I was fantasizing about bondage ever since I was a child.  A YOUNG child.  I remember the first time.  I remember being about 5 or 6 years old, in the car, on family vacation, doing a coloring book.  The picture on the last page of the book was of three cowboys, tied back to back, completely covered in rope from ankles up to their necks, all three mouths stuffed with bandannas.  I couldn't quit staring at it.  I never thought to ask myself or anyone else "why".  And I wasn't ashamed of it either.

This theme has continued on throughout my entire life.  Even when I was questioning my sexuality and I hated myself for liking men instead of women, and through all the tears and prayers, I never once apologized for liking bondage.  I never thought to.  It was natural to me.  It was something I craved, something I wanted, and something I wanted to get, very, very badly.

When I say that the bondage is a part of me, I mean that.  It's the only thing I've ever known to be true about myself for literally, as long and as far back as I can remember.  It's so ingrained that I don't know what I would be like today without it. 

It's comforting to know that the fox truly was born inside of me.

I thanked my friend for his wonderful compliment, and gave him a hug.  It's such a great thing for someone to say, and a wonderful thing to hear.  I wish everyone felt they could explore their kinks without fear, or shame or guilt.  I know the world isn't quite there yet, but I think one day, it will be.  I smiled for a moment and thought about how truly blessed I am in life.

Then he suspended me in his basement.

 

~Tynan

Gear Night Recap

It was a blast.  With the best turn out we've had yet!  There were around 60 or 70 hot guys geared up in leather, rubber, and, for the first time!, spandex.  There were maybe 4 or 5 delicious wrestlers walking around all night, all the more to drool over.  :)

I really hope the energy of these nights continues to build.  I'm really heartened that such a night has become so large so fast.  Personally, I had a blast.  I got to team up with my friend LeatherDehners two tie up a few choice hot guys.  Anyone who was watching me fumble a long, please keep in mind that I was half drunk and it was dark as hell.  I'm not disappointed with my work, but just remember I do better while sober and in a well-lighted environment. 

Special Kudos to my traditionally vanilla friends who decided to be brave and show up to their first kink event ever (and you know who you are).  You made the night extra special to see you there - it was sort of a different coming out for me.  The first time you'd ever seen me in some kinky clothing.  And YOUR first taste in my ropes. 

Also got a great day of play in before gear night with a great friend of mine, Bicycler.  For a preview of THAT fun, check out my profile on Facebook.  (In case you haven't noticed, I've decided that I'm more comfortable with posting my photos only on Recon and GF, at least, of any scenes I'm in).

Thanks again to all of you who made it so fun.  May gear night will be a pre-IML celebration before all the MPLS boys pile into a car and drive down to the event of the year.  

And I hope I see you there too!!

~Tynan 

Jumping In

For the past few months, I've been encouraging guys, through this blog and online, to go to the Eagle for Gear night every 2nd Saturday.  I've always thought to myself that guys need a "jumping off" point, so to speak, and this would be a great event.  It's been busier and busier for the past couple of months, and I'm happy to see some more socialization return to the leather community in Minneapolis.  (This past Saturday, of course, was no exception.)  It's also brought me to consider my own involvement, and my own "jumping off", so to speak.

I've been being tied up since I was 18 years old.  I guess I got started early, but living in the middle of nowhere in Missouri for college somewhat put a damper on my exploration.  Now I'm 25, and when people ask me how long I've been into kink, I say seven years.  Seven years can mean a lot, or it can mean only a little if its movement has been at a glacial pace.  Has mine?

In means of practical, hands on experience, I would say "no".  I think I can pull my own weight in that department (but that's for another post I'm working on).  In terms of history, knowing who is who, reading the works of others, and my own socialization?  I would say "yes", the pace has been rather glacial.

I am forever impressed at the amount of leather I learn about in the world around me.  Just yesterday, while in Minneapolis, I picked up the latest issue of Lavender Magazine.  One of the main articles featured on the front cover caught my eye: "Leather Life becomes Leather Bound".  Upon further inspection, I found that apparently, the magazine has been running a column on leather lifestyles for the past 15 years.  And in a triumphant move by the columnist, he's finally publishing highlights of it into a book.  It looks promising, and like something I would actually read.  But how could I not have known about this sooner?  Seriously, 15 years??

Some days I feel I need to open up my eyes, look around, and dive more into the history of our community.  Perhaps I should pick up a copy of the Leatherman's Handbook and read it, even if just for historical purposes.  There's so much I feel I don't know which I should know if I'm going to continue to write all the time.

Anyone have any suggestions?

In other news....My catsuit ripped.  Again.  

But it was worth it.  I've had the pleasure of getting to know RankInSF better, and had the opportunity to dive into some more hardcore rubber play.  That's really not something that's easy to find, even on the coasts where the population may be more plush with rubberists.  But I found it, right here in Minneapolis.

After a couple drinks, we started to loosen up.  I was looking at some of his gear.  It was no secret that either one of us was horny - clearly, I was there with a purpose that night.  I can't remember if it was his suggestion or my own drunken horniness, but at one point, I lubed up and slipped into my catsuit.  What came next is somewhat of a blur.  And not because of the alcohol (completely).  I don't quite remember what order things went on in, but I do know over a slow course of the next hour or so I was gradually placed into progressively more bondage than I have been in in a long time.  The best part about it?  Nearly all my restraints were made of rubber.

I've never been encased like that before in my life.  It must have been about seven or eight layers without breaking a sweat.  The hoods, the boots, the gags, the strips of latex, the cuffs, the binders...and all of this while somehow suspended to the ceiling?  Seriously.  A blur.  

It hasn't been any secret to myself, or to others, that I love rubber.  I fell in love with it the moment I ever first laid eyes on pics of it on a website.  And to finally have all of this?  I entered a new kind of subspace I haven't been to yet.  It was a very "comfortable" place, to be sure.  I remember whimpering quite a bit as he abused me in various ways, but never really a whimper to stop.  Maybe out of.....gratuity?  It was certainly different from the time I described when I got flogged, but still, very, very submissive.

And somewhere along the line, my catsuit ripped.  Fortunately, RankinSF said he could fix it for me, for which I am ever thankful.  Still, it may be cheesy and symbolic, but I think the scar from this repair will be one which I am not likely to forget.

~Tynan

Make it Count

Usually, there is a standard response I get from guys online when they ask me where I'm from.  I tell them the city and state, and more often than not, the answer I get is, "Why do you live out in the middle of nowhere?"

I really hate to think that Minneapolis, being the 8th largest city in the whole country, really makes this the middle of nowhere.  I think it only feels that way because there is essentially NOTHING to the West until you get to the coast, a bunch of lakes to the East, nothing but farmland for much of the South, and the forests of Canada to the North.  So I suppose yes, I am in the middle of nowhere.  

Yes, it does get difficult sometimes, especially in the kinky facets of life.  Some days I yearn for a New York gay/kinky lifestyle where you can walk out your front door and find it two blocks down the street, or better, two floors down in your own building.  But then I realize how much I enjoy grass and how much I enjoy what I pay for rent, and then suddenly, I don't regret living here. 

Guys ask me how often I get to do bondage.  Despite popular belief, I really only get to play around once or twice a month.  It's not bad, I don't feel like I'm really missing it much or really, really wishing I had it more.  And of course, I've tied/been tied by some of the best.  Which I think is ironic.

I've never lived or even been to New York or San Fran, but in my humble opinion, I think that us Midwestern kinky gays aren't so....dramatic, so to speak.  That statement might make me a bit of a hypocrite, being that I have these incredibly dramatic artistic photographs of myself on this site and on my profiles online.  But the point I'm getting at is that I think that having a smaller, more spread out community has forced us to keep from taking our scenes for granted, so that when we get into it, we REALLY get into it.  I think it's the enthusiasm that really brings the scenes and the kink to life out here, in the middle of nowhere.  I'm sure that if my heart was pounding and I just *HAD* to get to one of the coasts to meet the best dom I've ever heard of and do a scene with him, then I could probably make it happen. 

The fact that I really don't have that drive indicates to me that we do a pretty good job on our own.  I'll get to those cities one day, and when I do, I'm sure I'll have a blast.  But I feel like it can wait until I have both the time and money to do such a thing.

In fact, one of my friends just moved BACK to Minneapolis after living in San Francisco for several years.  He's told me two things to validate this.  One: as much kink as there is in SF, where you can find it by walking out your front door, there's an awful lot of mediocrity, and not a lot of truly mindblowing people there.  Two: having kink in his life less often has brought back a sense of motivation.  When you get used to large amounts of mediocrity, you forget what it's like to have those mind blowing scenes.

And in the Midwest, you have to travel a lot of the times to get to somewhere where the kink IS.   As another friend put it, "I don't understand you Midwestern kink-epicenter types.  It's like you guys say, 'No beach?  Let's just tie each other up.'"  There's some truth there.  When you have to arrange travel and ride in a car or fly for three or four hours to get somewhere to spend a night, a day, a weekend, or whatever to do the things you get your rocks off thinking about every day, there's one mantra that I think we all tend to share.

Make it count.

And I do.

~Tynan

Compatibility

Maybe a better title would be "Nirvana".

MAL was a blast.  I didn't really advertise that I would be there ahead of time, mostly because of the circumstances under which I got to go.  My roommate was a guy I've been chatting with an exchanging e-mails for an entire year.  It was an amazing time, for one simple reason.

He gets me.

When you're first getting into kink, it's easy to seek out a "generic" experience, so to speak.  I remember my first experiences, and some of my favorite parts of a bondage scene were there, of course.  Gags, tape, rope, etc.  And I loved those experiences, and they really turned me on.  I even had the incredible luck to be mummified in one scene when I was 19.  Those of you who know me know that I'm really into gags/being gagged, restrictive bondage, sensory deprivation, and (to a limited extent) breath control.

I've always been able to find guys to play with who will do that to me.  That's never been a problem, and as long as the bondage is true, I'll likely be enjoying myself.  But life, and kink, are full of details.  We all know what we like, and we can get incredibly detailed about it.  This guy I was with understood all of that.  It was almost as if he was a mirror of myself.  

Particularly, he understood quite well what the feeling of duct tape being pressed over my mouth does to my dick.

Of course there are other things there too.  Ones which are more...subtle, we'll say.  But we were definitely on each other's wavelength.  And the thing that I've come to learn over the years now is that either you have it, or you don't.

We both have had those same feelings/urges/yearnings for the same kinds of bondage even since we were each kids.  But more than just the bondage in general, but all of those details.  It made the scenes were were a part of absolutely amazing.

Nirvana, you could say.

~Tynan

PS: I plan on really pushing myself to try to post at least once per week.  Some of the posts may suck, but bear with me.  ;)

Playspace

It's something I've always wanted, but I've never had.  I think it's something that most kinksters want.

Those of you who know me personally know that I moved just the week before MIR.  I haven't changed cities or jobs, just moved to a different (and cheaper) place within Rochester.  Instead of an attached townhouse or an apartment, it's an entire house.  It's a rather nice deal, it's even more space than what we had.  While we were first touring the house to decide if we wanted to rent it, the owner showed us around the first two floors and then took us up to the attic.  It's finished, carpeted, mostly ceilinged, has a stairwell, heat and a/c, electrical outlets, and a lot of space.  There's even a couple desks and some small closets.  You can stand upright in most of it.  We went up the stairs to the attic, my partner was right behind me, just staring at me as I looked around the place with a bit of a smile on my face.  When we reached the top steps he instantly started laughing at me, and I didn't even have to look at him.  We didn't even have to talk about it.  I know he's laughing at me because he knows what I'm thinking, and I can own up to it.  I'm not ashamed of what I'm thinking.  

Needless to say, once we decided to rent, I swiftly laid my claim on the attic over him.  "Babe, you can do whatever you want with the rest of the house for all I care.  The attic is MINE."

And so it has been.  The basement of the house isn't all that bad either.  It was finished at one time, but the floors and walls had to be taken down due to some water damage that occurred there.  The lighting is more mood-lightingesque, and the space would "look" more like a dungeon, but to be completely honest, I've never been a fan of basement dungeons.  Concrete floors, cold, damp air...just is generally an anti-hard on for me.  When I play, I need to be WARM.  You can understand, then, why I was so ecstatic about the attic.  

The past week or so I've really been spending a lot of time working on it.  It obviously hasn't been lived in or used much in quite some time.  It took a lot of dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning to get it to not smell like my grandma's old house.  And besides, if you have allergies, why would you want to start a sneezing fit in the middle of a scene anyway?

Even better is the fact that there were a couple of old twin beds abandoned and left in the attic.  The landlord says he doesn't know where they came from, and neither did the previous renter.  So I put one together, frame, boxsprings, and all.  I unpacked all my bondage gear into the drawers and put my kink clothing into the closets.  I hooked up and old TV/DVD player and stereo we previously never used for porn and/or mood music.  I've also been working on some lighting for it.  Finally, I took some prints of kinky pictures from my photographer in Iowa, framed them up, and hung them on the walls.

And in the end, I love it.  It's my space.  It may be rather ugly (green shag carpet?), and it still needs some work (ceilings falling apart?) but it's still mine.  It's my first playspace I've ever had to call my own.  It's the first time in my life that I've actually unpacked my bondage gear from my bags...and left it unpacked in some orderly fashion rather than a pile on the floor waiting to be cleaned up.  The only real dilemma left to solve is this: if it's on the top floor of the house, can you still call it a "dungeon"?  "Playspace" seems more appropriate.  Thoughts?

Oh, and I got to break it in this past weekend with a spandex-loving pocket gay from Des Moines.  SUCH a hot time with that kinky little fuck.  Even though the activities would have been the same no matter WHERE we played, for some reason, this felt different.  A "better" sort of different.  More secure, more "mine".  It was hard for me to figure out how to describe it, then it hit me.

The fox in me finally has a place to call home.

~Tynan

Why?

That's something I went around and around in circles about for years.  Literally, years.  This is such a weird, strange, obscure, crazy part of my life.  Why is it so appealing?  What is it about all these activities and all these events that really brings its joy?  What is the appeal?

For a long time, I thought that since I couldn't come up with an answer, it meant I was doing something wrong.  But then a while ago, I heard a great analogy on a kinky pod cast that really made me stop to think about it.

Chew on this.  Think about black licorice.  There's some people out there who enjoy it, there's some people out there who hate it.  And there's a few in the middle who are take it or leave it.  But the ones who enjoy black licorice are in the minority, and people who don't like it often think these people might be weird because it tastes so gross.  But for those of you out there who DO like black licorice, have you ever stopped to think about WHY you like it?

Of course, I mean beyond the simple, "Because it tastes good."  A similar thing could be said about kink.  "Because it's fun."  Of course, most of us stop here.  We don't take the time or effort or energy to determine why black licorice tastes good to some people.  We don't analyze brain patterns and their associations with taste buds or think about why it only tastes good to some people and not others.  It's simply a preference some have that others do not.

So if we don't do it with black licorice, or anything else in life, why do we do it with kink?

Perhaps we shouldn't.  When I learned this, I stopped.  It brought a sense of peace to my neurotic brain.  We don't always have to know WHY we like or enjoy what we like.  We don't always have to be so critical of our preferences.  We really CAN just relax and enjoy ourselves.

The why is not the fun question to ask.  In our kinky parts of life, I now simply challenge myself and others to answer one other simple question.

How are we going to make this happen? ;)

~Tynan

Masculinity

I've never really considered myself to be much of a "manly man", if you understand my meaning.

As I'm constantly reminded by my friends in this kink world, I've got plenty of "manhood" in between my legs. 

As far as actual masculinity goes, however, I can't say I've ever had much of that.  Ever since childhood on forward, it's been tough for me to "be a man".  I've always found more pleasure in doing things with girls or whatever else.  Even now, I consider myself to be more of a "gay boy" than anything else.

But ever since I posted about being flogged a couple weeks ago, I've gotten more comments that I'm more of a "man".  But I've always been amazed at how all of the kink, leather, and bdsm lifestyle is considered so "masculine", since at the root of it all, it is a rather gay experience - that is, men having sex with men.  But is that "manly"?

Why not?  Why shouldn't it be?  As my partner will testify, I've always thought that two men having sex with each other is and always will be the ultimate display of masculinity.  To be so much of a man that you can actually love have sex with one and love it.  Perhaps even more than just the sexual end, but also the emotional side.  To be so much of a man that you can love one.

Perhaps it was a rather "manly" moment for me.  To be reduced to those primal urges and be forced to yell, etc.  But on the surface, I'm still more of a "gay boy".  I still watch Project Runway.  I still don't have any facial hair or wear any leather (although the latter may be because I just can't afford it). 

So what really makes a man a "man"?  Am I a man?  A boy?  A gay boy?  A young man?  A guy?

Is what makes me a man also what makes me a fox?

~Tynan

Broken

So this weekend, I'm visiting two doms in Detroit, whom I've known for over a year and trust very, very well.  They've been very kind to me during this time and have introduced me to a lot of new things.  And they're very talented at it to boot.  :)  Last night was one of those nights where I tried something new.  I didn't know it would end up being EPIC. 

After seven years in the bondage scene, and after doing some reading, and talking to some friends about it, I finally decided to break some new ground.  I asked my Sir if he would flog me.  The grin on his face made me a bit nervous, but something in me was pushing me.  This was something I just had to do.  I needed to prove it to myself that this was something I CAN do.  For the life of me, I don't know what drove me to that conclusion, but I just had to do it.

We went to The Detroit Eagle.  Nice place.  It happened to be the night of the Detroit Bondage Club's meeting, so there was a decent crowd, at least, decent for this place from what I'm told.  I was rather nervous about it, because if you've read my blog or looked at my profiles, you know that I'm really not much into pain.  After a couple drinks, I took my clothes off except my spandex shorts, went over to the St. Andrew's Cross there, and one of the rope doms tied my arms in the air, facing it.  My Sir slipped a a cloth blindfold over my eyes, and my heart was pounding.  I was nervous.  But my Sir was very kind to me, he told me that I would be fine, I wasn't gonna be killed, we would get through this together.  It was very reassuring, but still, I was nervous.

Then it started.  He took the flogger and began to whip it against my back.  He started slow and worked his way up.  At first, it didn't hurt much, which was sort of a relief, but after the first couple swipes, I knew that it was going to become painful very shortly.  Sure enough, I was right.  My back was on fire before long.

It hurt.  He would stop once in a while and rub his hand all over my back, which just enhanced the tenderness.  After a few more swipes, it was really starting to hurt.  I began to moan a little with each hit because the pain was too strong for me to stay quiet.  I wish I could say this was a sexual thing for me, but in that moment, horniness couldn't have been further from my mind.  This was test of endurance.  I had to do this.  I HAD to.

At a certain point, my moans became yells.  The yells weren't a stereotypical gayboi twink yell.  It sounds stupid, but I rather surprised myself.  They were really deep toned, basal, earthy yells.  The kind that churns up from deep inside you, bypasses your vocal cords, and projects out from the force of your lungs.  My mind was racing.  The thoughts I had tumbled down so fast that I couldn't pinpoint any one of them.  I was thinking so fast that I just stopped.  My actions were no longer calculated, they were just instinct and reaction.  At this point, my Sir started to untie one of my wrists. Imagine my own surprise when my voice said, "Sir, please, don't.  I want you to keep going, Sir.  Please."

I was scared, but I didn't want it to end.  I think it surprised him too.  "Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes.  Please Sir."

He went back and started flogging again, but harder now, and faster.  My wrists were still pulling against the rope and my back was tensing up as hard as I could get it too.  And my yells kept getting progressively louder, louder, and closer together.  Finally he landed one well timed crack on my back which made me yell louder in pain than I probably ever have in my life.  A few softer but still very painful cracks came after, which I took.  Then he stepped in an ran his hand over my back again. 

And I started to cry.  It wasn't a wince-your-eyes-in-pain, grin-and-bear-it kind of cry.  I started sobbing.  It was a deep, soulful, cry.  One I haven't had in a long, long time.  I was in pain, yes, but I'm sure it wasn't the pain that was making me cry.  I was somewhat glad I was blindfolded, but as my Sir found me sobbing like this, he started to untie me again.  Through my tears and sobs and emotions, I found myself still saying, "Sir, I don't want you to stop don't stop please don't stop I don't want you to stop."

But my Sir was firm.  "No.  This is where we stop."

He untied my wrists, but left my blindfold on.  Then he just put his arms around me and held me against his chest as I sobbed and sobbed.  I didn't know what I was crying for.  It didn't matter.  Still I was telling him, "I don't want you to stop."

"Shhhh.  Just let it out," he said in his deep, gruff voice.

And I did.  For another three or four minutes I just stood in his arms, blindfolded, and crying as my back finally started to cool off. 

I slept amazingly well last night, needless to say.  I kept thinking about it of course.  I've never once cried during a scene before.  In fact, I haven't cried that hard in years.  But apparantly, most guys do if they get flogged until they're broken.  I understand that.  Crying actually felt like a fully appropriate emotion to display at the time it was happening.  Why is it scary to me?

It's scary because of the fact that all of this came from inside ME.  It was my idea.  I asked to keep going.  I didn't want it to stop.  It's not like anything I've ever done before.  It's something I've never wanted to be or do.  It's a piece of something that's hiding within me.  Maybe I'm not really the person I think I am.  I'm scared of the person that I've been denying.  I'm afraid of losing touch with what I currently hold dear to me in the kink world. 

I'm afraid of the Fox I may yet become.