The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done

Growing up kinky has its own challenges. I've outlined a few of them on this blog, but god, I wish I had had the It Gets Better Project around while I was growing up. It definitely would have made things a lot easier.

I generally was a pretty well behaved kid. I didn't act out a lot, and I stayed on my parents' good side. That's not to say I followed all the rules, either. Some teenagers sneak into their houses at night and have to worry about their parents catching them while they're still drunk from the party they had just come from. Me? I was sneaking into the house so they wouldn't catch me with rope burn all over my arms or tape residue on my face.

I was crafty. They never caught me. No joke.

Due to all the secrets I've had in my life, I've never really felt all that close to my parents. There's too much they don't want to hear about. I mean, they've met my partner a few times, but every time I bring up the word "marriage", they let the topic die or quickly change the subject. I know they don't support same-sex marriage. Given my mother's chosen brand of Christian faith, I'm sure she never will. 

When I came out to them in high school, it didn't go over well. Ten years later, we still don't see eye to eye on the subject. But now I'm faced with a bigger problem.

Thanks to all of you out there, my new career as a public speaker and sex educator is starting to gain some traction. I'm working on multiple contracts for shows in the Spring, I'm opening a leather shop on Saturday, and this website gets about 3,000 visitors per month from every inhabited continent on the planet (including some extremely dedicated readers from Australia - thanks boys!). I just got off the road after traveling for two months to try to promote myself. Hell, one of my upcoming shows is even going to be in Missouri.

This is too big of a part of my life. I can't hide this anymore.

I feel so fucking immature writing this all in the first place. I'm 28 goddamn years old. Why am I so afraid to tell this all to my parents? They're adults. I'm an adult. Can't we just all be adults about it? I'm in St. Louis right now. I sat down to dinner with them. I was as nervous as I've ever been in my life. I didn't accomplish a thing all day and I've been nauseated and shaking over what's about to happen. Finally, I let them finish eating and then I just went ahead and said it.

I told them about the shop I was opening, my blog, my career as a public speaker, and I broached the subject matter of what I discuss. I explained to them that alternative lifetsyles (and yes, they understood what that meant) were important to me. I told them that I know they didn't want to know all this. I know they'd just like to go on pretending it doesn't happen, and I know they'll never voluntarily talk about it with me.

When my parents found out I was gay, all they wanted to do was talk (i.e. yell) about it; in twenty eight years, I've never EVER seen my mother in a state of speechlessness. Until tonight.

She finally spoke with dread and pain in her voice. This isn't what she expected of her son. But she quietly admitted it was a reality she had to accept. She's stuck with it. Translation: I would change all of this if I could. Don't worry mom, the feeling is mutual. I'd have parents that don't just tolerate me, but accept and love me. That said, I know this would be a tough day for even the most progressive of parents.

My relationship with my parents will never be the same. No longer can I grasp at the straw that I'll ever have a strong, loving, open relationship with them. That ship is SAILED. I've pretty much sealed the deal on ever being able to be close to them again. They wish they didn't know. They want a different son. But they're going to take the one they have because...well, they're stuck with me. And they're not happy about it. In fact, they're currently feeling personally hurt that they've raised a human being who turned out this way. I doubt it's going to get any better. If, in ten years, my parents' can't come to terms with me being gay, they're NEVER going to be able to come to terms with this.

The hardest thing I've ever done is break my parents' hearts. I know I shouldn't care, because we're adults, and I shouldn't need them. But damnit...they're my parents. I'm really hurt by the rejection, but I knew it was coming. I was ready for it. I've made my peace, and I do NOT have their blessing. It's time for me to move on. 

Sometimes, it doesn't get better; you get stronger.

Comments

[A Facebook User]

It's good to be able to feel open about yourself. I am sorry to hear about the boat sailing to having a good relationship with them. I admire you for the person that you are bare, nervous or otherwise. Hugs.

[David]

The minute you'd posted on Facebook about the parents, I had a feeling an admission like the one you made was coming...and, honestly, the response they had doesn't surprise me.

The biggest fear I had in coming out to my mother was losing my strong, loving relationship with her. Being rejected. Not being loved for who I am completely. My step-father having been killed the prior autumn, wasn't an issue - I know he would have been unsupportive if not downright violent about it. So I suppose his demise gave me an opening. And I took it.

And it went well. While I'm sure she would have liked grandkids, she has always been supportive of me. If anything, more so after coming out. She remains my rock. I'm not sure I'd be sitting here writing this now without her. Mind you, I don't share the kinky side with her - then again, she doesn't need to know - it doesn't impact her or my family the way yours could your family.

I honestly wish you had the same kind of experience in coming out (either time) that I had. I simply do not understand parents that, regardless of whatever qualms they might have, do not love and support their children regardless of their orientation. I get the whole "I'd like my son/daughter to follow my footsteps" or "lead a life like mine", but I would hope the larger concern would be "is my son/daughter happy, healthy, successful and loved?" and "am I being supportive of that?"

I suppose that's too much to ask of some people. I'm sorry to hear your parents seem to be in that category. They are your parents. Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you don't need or love them, regardless of their rejection.

I'm trusting that you've made your peace with this. I'm not sure I could, at least not that easily.

You are right - sometimes, it doesn't get better. But not everyone gets stronger.

Remember Hemingway - “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

One thing I'm certain of in my own life is that being broken is not a bad thing. I've come out stronger every single time. There are days I'm not sure how. Honestly, I think it speaks to my own particular kinks and why they've come to the fore for me as of late.

One thing I'm certain of with you is that you are strong in those broken places. And in sharing what you have here and elsewhere, you help others achieve the same thing. Never doubt that. If you do, I'll be there to kick your skinny ass and remind you. ;)

[Reid]

It's too bad your parents never realized that you would have always ended up being the person you were destined to be, and not some manifestation of some visions, dreams, or hopes they had of their offspring on the day they found out they were pregnant with you. Life never works out the way you want it; you would think religious people would realize that more than anyone else sometimes.

What you did took balls, man. Good for you. You made the decision to follow what you believe in and are passionate about. All I want to say is that if they don't come around, they are missing out on the opportunity to know a truly remarkable, open and honest, effective, and articulate teacher. It's your life to live and your decisions to make, no one else can live your life for you and neither should you be expected to live up to their expectations. How things play out may also surprise you.

[Willco68]

I can honestly say...I'm one of the few men in the world who has leaned on you...who has laughed and loved with you. It is rare that you actually make me cry however. Reading this tonight...the brutal honestly in which you conveyed exactly what happened is difficult...but part of the reason you are such a leader. And we discussed this happening. But, you did it anyway so that you could lead a honest and open life. Who you are and what you have to teach is important to the world as we move forward. You are courageous and inspirational and tonight...even in pain...You showed someone out there that living honesty is better then living closeted.
It is no hidden fact that my family has done the same thing as yours. But I have tied my life to yours...in our business, our friendship, and now our family. I will hug you this weekend as you, the pup, and I...start this adventure together. Brothers and Family.
Remember,
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.
Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof. -Richard Bach

love, life, and leather
Willco68

[ForsakenDAemon]

I know the feeling of wishing that things were different.

I wish that I could share my Mum with you, like I have with my friends. While she may not understand her kinkster son, she loves me and cares for me more than anyone in the world. In fact, she loves all of her boys, some who she's related to, but most of whom she's not.

Watching her has made me realise how lucky I am, and how, although we can't choose our family, we can choose our Family.

So, if you're ever Down Under, you'll have a seat at my table, and my Family's.

- DAemon

[Trikoot]

What you did was courageous and inspiring, not only for coming out in emotionally loaded circumstances, but for standing up for who you are. History has proven again and again that what is acceptable and tolerated in a society changes only when people stand up for themselves and be proud regardless of the consequences.

[Jay]

This must have been an extremely difficult thing to do. Kudos, though, for doing it.

Hope you are well.