The Fox Den

I Got Hit by a Girl

No really. I did.

(This blog is all about honesty, and true to that spirit, I'm going to tell this story as it happened. I know I'm not perfect so PLEASE don't jump down my throat for jumping to inappropriate conclusions. This post is an admission of guilt. Thank you.)

Last night was the first time I've ever stepped foot into Ground Zero Nightclub. It's the "pansexual" BDSM bar, dance club, and demo pit. I've lived in Minnesota for four years now and I've never been! It was just time to start a new adventure.

So I harrassed as many of my friends via text message as I could at the last second, pulled on my rubber chaps, and drove over there. Two problems arise: 1)The parking situation is terrible, so I had to walk the gauntlet with my ass hanging out across 4th Ave to get to the bar, and 2)Ground Zero is situated right betwen two other vanilla straight bars and a restaurant. So once I walked across the street, I then had to dive into a sea of vanilla people wearing cotton to get up to the door! *facepaw*

Ground Zero is a "pansexual" bar. I don't know what that means to you all as readers from other parts of the country and world, but in Minnesota? "Pansexual" means "straight men and women, oh yeah, and women who do it with women because that's hot". Gay men have their own leather/BDSM community - hell, we have our own bar. It's not surprising I felt kind of awkward going in there, but I suppose it's a nice gesture by the management to call the place "pansexual".

Straight bars in Minneapolis usually mix pretty crappy drinks; NOT Ground Zero. The drinks were STRONG! Perfect.

The bar is divided up into several different areas; there's a side bar, a dance floor, and then the performance space where there was a Pro-Domme (Mistress Mara) working over volunteers. There's a whole bunch of chairs set up in front of the stage for people to watch the various acts. So I'm puttering around a bit with my friends having a few drinks, watching the Domme perform on her subs. Most of them are women. Until the 2nd to last one.

Up walks to stage this buff guy with huge muscles, tanned skin, long hair, washboard abs, and a huge upside down triangle tattoo across his shoulders. He tips the Domme as his friends make fun of him (and awful tragedy which shouldn't be tolerated) and proceeds to get cuffed to the restraints hanging from the ceiling! Mistress Mara flogs him a few times and then scratches him some and does something else with an ice cube....

....and in my head, I fell into the slippery slope of discompassion. What I SHOULD have thought to myself was "Maybe it's his first time!" "Maybe he needs her to go light." "Maybe he injured himself already today!" There are any number of infinite possibilities that could explain why this Domme wasn't lashing out on those buldging muscles with every last ounce of her strength. All of them are probably legitamate too. But as I stood there watching, the rum in my drink took over my thoughts. My mind darted around all the other times I've been flogged. The only logical conclusion my tipsy mind could come to was simply that the guy was a PUSSY. I can do better than that.

Move over, Fabio.

I marched up to that stage and asked Mistress Mara what her rates were. I tipped her appropriately (side note: gay kinksters don't tip in our community. I THINK I tipped her appropriately, but I've never had to do that before. Hope she doesn't hate me now) and asked her, "Can you flog a gay-boy, Mistress?"

"Hell yes! How hard can you take it?"

I gritted my teeth, half expecting to regret saying it but also determined to show Fabio what a gay boy can take. "I've been flogged until I've bled before."

Mistress Mara just SMILED and secured my wrists to the shackles in the ceiling.

Being that it was the end of the night, it was a pretty fast flogging. But that doesn't mean she went light on me. It was tough to remember to yell "Thank you MISTRESS" as opposed to my usual "Thank you SIR" or "Thank you MASTER". It hurt, but like I said, I was determined to demonstrate what this gay boy is made of.

At a certain point I felt Mistress Mara slap a couple strips of duct tape against my back. "Just a little blood! No worries!" she said. 

I didn't break. I didn't care. That wasn't the point. Before I even knew it it was over. I said thank you to Mistress, and walked out of the bar, euphoric, and proud.

This morning I wake up, look in the mirror, and realized what happened last night. I let my ego overtake the rational components of my brain, and I thusly paid the price. By getting hit. By. A. Girl.

Something New

So I've been a scootch bit busy lately, what with NACA conventions coming up in just one short month (AAAAHHH OMG!). But I want to keep you all engaged and present, so we're going to try something new! Here is a guest post, written by my best friend and leather brother, WillCo68 aka Karri Plowman.

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To quote Shakespeare, "Can one desire too much of a good thing?"

I’ve been thinking about this sentiment a lot lately, especially after my most recent experience with a new and curious kinkster. I started a conversation with Tynan and he encouraged me to write and submit a blog to him. Being Tynan Fox’s brother…you can imagine I’ve had my fair share of fun in the scene. For those of you that are curious…just read through his blogs regarding the Indigenous person (like this one). 

Let me set the context. This summer I started to think that I was having too much sex and playing in an unhealthy manner. Not "unsafe" mind you, but mentally I was doing more and more to push my limits and challenge myself. The dirtier, the kinkier, the odder, the better. Each time it was taking more and more to get me off or allow me to shift into the head space I wanted.

I’m a vers, and while I tend to bottom more than top - especially if it comes to fisting - I started creating scenario’s where I could top and/or dominate just to have a different experience. The one that ended it was when I allowed a cute non-kink guy to wear my leathers and gear in the bedroom after coming home from the bar, the whole time ignoring the fact that my room began to reek of cologne and hair gel, just so I can watch this non-kink boy in chaps. At that point I realized he was treating my gear as dress up and a joke.

I love my leather life, it saved me…and I’ve been lucky to live out and proud in leather for several years. But in that minute, my life became a punch line. Luckily I have great leather brothers in both Tynan Fox and Pup Trigger who recognized my confusion, and intervened with me. So I took the last two months off from having sex.

Now we come to the current situation and impetus for this blog. I just had vanilla sex!!

Yes, after two months more or less, I met a wonderful guy, spent a couple of days having great conversation(s) regarding leather, fashion, kink, you name it. Bear in mind, he is young and slightly inexperienced... and to be honest? I never intended to have sex with him at first. I’m always willing to help and offer advice to the new members of our community. It was just nice to meet a guy who was interested in our scene and shared some similar aesthetics as me.

But something happened and all directions indicated we would end up sleeping together. I won’t betray his trust regarding all the details, but I will say since he is new to our kink world we ended up having vanilla sex. No alcohol, no poppers, and no gear or toys. Just two men exploring one another.  

I don’t think I have been more turned on, and more excited, in MONTHS. To use a vulgar expression “I was so hard you would have needed a tire tool to put a condom on me.”

Did you ever have the circumstance where you overate something as a kid? Jello, chips, cookies, something that ended up making you sick? For me it was Capt’n Cruch Berry Cereal. I won’t go into the details, but if it’s red going in, it’s pink on the way out. Consequently, I can’t eat Capt’n Cruch to this day. Never will again. In some ways, I did the same thing with my physical life and I over indulged in the kink lifestyle. I had reached a point that it was so boring because I overindulged. Now this may sound like "wah-wah-woe-is-me" moment to some of the readers who don’t get to play as often as they would like. Yes, I get it. I’m complaining about having too much kink in my life. But if you haven’t put two and two together, not only is this my life, but kink is my profession with Twin Cities Leather. Sex is what I think about everyday as a job PLUS on my personal time. It can become overwhelming, and honestly it did.

I needed the intimacy one finds with a man. I needed to be revived. I needed to just laugh and remember the reason I love leather and kink - to remember that its base is in the love for men. Their smell, their feel, the heat and passion that we can generate. I also needed to remember that good old fashioned vanilla sex can sometimes be one of the most healing things in the world. Vanilla ice cream on a hot summer’s day is just as sweet as chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream on the couch in December. It doesn’t need all the extras, because in that one moment, it is wonderful. 

I don't know if this makes sense or will help anyone, but if I had to put a moral to the story, it's that too much of a good thing can be bad. If you need an epilogue, it's that all I can do is smile. I feel healthier and happier then I have in a long time.

We shall see what happens next with the guy. I’m not jinxing anything; I know at the least I just added another great friend to my life.

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These insights are precisely the reason why this man is my brother. ~Fox

(Anti-)Drama Patrol

Let's be honest; we have problems. I'm not talking about the community level; I'm talking about the individual level. Yes, there are community problems (for more information, see this example at Leatherati), but I think that most of the real problems that dishearten people and drive them away from kink, leather, or BDSM happen down closely at the personal level.

No one is immune from these problems. I'm certainly no exception. 

What causes all the fighting? And no, I'm not referring to the fighting of a board of directors or the organizing of a conference. I'm just talking about standard, normal, kinky people from the same local community. The conflict can be caused by a variety of reasons. 100% of people will not be able to get along 100% of the time.

I think one of the promulgating factors is the personality type of our community. I feel like we're filled with people who have the "Dolphin" personality type. These are the idealists;  The people having this type of personality tend to be giving, trusting, spiritual, and they are focused on personal journeys and human potentials. They are very enthusiastic, they trust their intuition, seek their true self, and dream of attaining wisdom. But they are also a very intelligent, yet very emotional people who can get defensive. If you ever do something wrong to a Dolphin, they will remember it.......forever.

The kink community is too small. We spend too much time together, and people get sick of each other. Tempers flare. True selves come out. It's pretty much unavoidable.

It won't ever stop. So I'm writing this because someone asked me, "How do you cope with the unending drama?" The answer is complex.

There's several factors that help me cope with the unending frustrations and interpersonal meltdowns around me. First, I'm an RN. I have training in mental health nursing, and working in critical care has made me develop a thick skin to a lot of different emotions. It's generally pretty easy for me to keep my temper in check because I've likely developed a stronger wall to stuff it all behind than most poeple. I've heard several of my friends mention to others, "Tynan is pretty tough to anger." I take pride in that. Anger and impulsivity rarely solve anyone's problems.

Second, I live in Rochester. Although that's not the end of the world, the gays in Minneapolis treat the city like it is. I get to run away to the middle of nowhere and escape it all. When I'm not exposed to it seven days a week, it's easier to deal with.

Finally, though, I've developed a poor coping mechanism. I jerk off. A lot. Sometimes I get so stressed out by some of my kinky friends that just the thought of sitting down to write about anything remotely related to fetish makes me want to puke. In those situations, I usually sit down at my desk, and intend to write....but then I end up looking at hot pics on Recon or Tumblr and end up jerking off. For HOURS. Clearly this is not so productive. It's a habit I'm trying to break.

Overall, I would say I just float along and go with the flow of the social situation. I don't, in general, let the fights get to me. I don't know how I ever reached this point in my life for certain, but I think it was sometime in college. One day I just woke up and thought to myself, "Why do I even care? It's not going to change anything, there's not much I can do about it, and it's not my job to police the entire world."

I've taken a personality test before. I'm not a Dolphin, so I'm guessing that also helps my coping skills. But here's my overall advice. These are based upon the ideals with which I try to live my own life:

1) Let it go. Really. When something dramatic happens or someone offends you, first, give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean it or even know they were doing it (whatever "it" is). EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then, Let. It. Go. If you can develop the ability allow the petty shit to roll off your back, you may find that you'll be a more pleasant person overall.

2) If it doesn't concern you, STAY OUT OF IT. There's enough drama queens around. If your friends want to vent, fine, but consider just letting them vent. Not everyone needs advice. Consider the rammifications of your advice getting you involved in an unpleasant situation.

3) Remember that we don't all have to love each other, or hell, we don't even all have to LIKE each other or get along. However, the community is so small that we have an obligation TOLERATE one another. Anyone is capable of that, including you. Instead of bad-mouthing or fighting with that person at the bar that you don't like, consider just ignoring them and finding someone else to talk to or something else to talk about.

4) Never forget that anyone who's kinky should feel welcome in your local community. If actions are happening chronically from an individual that are making this less of a reality, it's your responsibility to speak up about it.

5) Find a productive coping mechanism/outlet for you to engage in when the drama-meter gets too high. That mechanism should NOT be to unload onto a different friend. Read, write, dance, pray, sing, work out, or fuck. Your mechanism should be done in a constructive and healthy manner. If the only way that you can cope with everyone else's drama is to spread it around by "venting" or unloading on others, you're only adding to the problem.

6) When someone asks you, "What's going on with (person x)?" Practice, and become comfortable with the response, "Why don't you go ask (person x) about it?" Triangulation is the heart of most drama and fights. This isn't high school. We're all adults, and we should ask one another directly about our problems.

7) Find peace with the fact that the drama won't stop, because it won't. Accept it. Acknowledge that it's not your job to fix it or stop it. There are steps you can take to reduce its impact, but it won't EVER go away. Find the courage to listen, smile, laugh, and move on. These things really do resolve themselves time after time.

8) Swallow your pride and admit if you've done something wrong. No one is perfect. When you're confronted about a mistake you've made, own it, offer an apology, and try to fix it. Don't make excuses for yourself or make up explanations that don't make sense.

9) Kink isn't a therapy session. We're all brothers by the fetish that we have, but if you find that you spend more of your time in kink communities discussing your own problems, it's really not helpful to the sexual culture that we live and share. This is why they make therapists, psychiatrists, social workers, and other mental health professionals. Seek them out, or check the Kink-Aware Professionals Directory if you want a therapist who specifically knows about kinky issues.

10) Open your heart. Remember that compassion will go a lot farther than hate, grudges, or disdain. Think about the philosophy of compassion in every form for every human being. Remember, you may think you know what life is like through everyone else's eyes, but you don't. You can't. And you never, ever will.