A couple weeks ago, one of my friends (Bicycler) said a something to me which is rather flattering. Normally, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but this one made me think. Quite a bit, really. He told me that he admires the fact that, as far as kink is considered, I am so uninhibited. Nothing stops me from exploring my desires.
I never thought about inhibitions with exploring kink. It never crossed my mind. When he first mentioned this, my first reaction was to think, "Why would I be inhibited to explore this?" And then it dawned on me. As Bob Wingate says on his blog when discussing a post I had made, "I love the way young people today not only take their bondage horniness for granted but are wonderfully comfortable with it. How times have changed!"
When I was growing up, I lived in a rather conservative Lutheran household. I was sent to parochial school until 7th grade. My parents didn't even have CABLE in the house (first time I had that was when I left for college). I was a dejected, straight-A nerd with few friends. When I started having fantasies about men, I didn't know what it meant. I had no idea. I knew what the word "gay" meant, and I knew that it was a sin, but I wasn't a sinner, so fantasizing about men meant I wasn't gay.
I turned 13 and started figuring out the truth of the matter. The abridged version is that I went through about three years of unhealthy self-hatred over what was going on with me. There were many, many sleepless nights of praying, crying, and trying to "fix" myself and stop thinking about men in that way, culminating in a failed suicide attempt. Finally when I was 16 or 17 I was able to give in, and accept that this is how it's going to be no matter what I do, and I should probably just get used to it.
Although I didn't start fantasizing about men in particular until I hit puberty, I was fantasizing about bondage ever since I was a child. A YOUNG child. I remember the first time. I remember being about 5 or 6 years old, in the car, on family vacation, doing a coloring book. The picture on the last page of the book was of three cowboys, tied back to back, completely covered in rope from ankles up to their necks, all three mouths stuffed with bandannas. I couldn't quit staring at it. I never thought to ask myself or anyone else "why". And I wasn't ashamed of it either.
This theme has continued on throughout my entire life. Even when I was questioning my sexuality and I hated myself for liking men instead of women, and through all the tears and prayers, I never once apologized for liking bondage. I never thought to. It was natural to me. It was something I craved, something I wanted, and something I wanted to get, very, very badly.
When I say that the bondage is a part of me, I mean that. It's the only thing I've ever known to be true about myself for literally, as long and as far back as I can remember. It's so ingrained that I don't know what I would be like today without it.
It's comforting to know that the fox truly was born inside of me.
I thanked my friend for his wonderful compliment, and gave him a hug. It's such a great thing for someone to say, and a wonderful thing to hear. I wish everyone felt they could explore their kinks without fear, or shame or guilt. I know the world isn't quite there yet, but I think one day, it will be. I smiled for a moment and thought about how truly blessed I am in life.
Then he suspended me in his basement.